Recap: Gossip Girl 2x03 "The Dark Night"

Last time on Gossip Girl:
Dan: Wow, I can spend an entire summer banging random chicks and Serena will still hook up with me! I'm made of win!
Marcus: I'm English! Hear my accent! SOO English!
Jenny: Does anyone really care about my storylines?
Vanessa: Nate! U + me = sexy sex?
Nate: Sorry, gotta wait until my gigolo-related STDs are cured.

Back to Manhattan's elite!

GG: It's hot! Notice how glistening everyone's skin is?

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Milord! Sex me?
Marcus: Please. I'm English.

The Gallery
Vanessa: I'm so desperate for a storyline! I'm willing to call Nate for sex!
Nate: GOD. I may be young and virile, but I can't keep the juices pumping 24/7. Get in line behind the woman who's willing to PAY me.

Streets of NYC
Dan: It's hot! Notice the ice cream!
Serena: Let's make out in front of that girl with a camera phone! No one will ever know about our secret relationship!

Nate: Vanessa? Sex?
Vanessa: Are you using my va-jay-jay as a distraction for your family's financial troubles?
Nate: Yours and others. But I'm using yours for free!

Waldorf Apartment
Serena: Pay attention to me, Blair! I'm dating Dan the Douche and you don't care!
Blair: I'm sorry, I'm trying to seduce an Englishman. I have bigger fish and chips to fry.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment
Nate: Me want your money, Chuck.
Chuck: Really, last week you were an asshole and now you want my money? Unless you're planning to service me, get out!

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: Life as an intern sucks! I have good taste despite the crappy unoriginal designs you see me make!

Central Park
GG Groupie #1: Dan! Your brooding and cheating ways are sexy!
GG Groupie #2: Dan! You're better than that coke-dispensing Serena!
GG Groupie #3: Dan! You're a whiny little bitch who doesn't deserve to be part of the show's central couple!

The Gallery
Vanessa: Kiss me!
Nate: I'd rather text message my sugar mommy.
Blair: Look at the cuddly! Come to my party!
Nate: Sounds like a trap.
Blair: Wow. It took two years of dating for you to realize I'm devious. Congrats.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment
Chuck: I can't get hard! Blair has ruined my sex drive!
Serena: If I show you my boobs, will you leave me alone?
Chuck: You be Marcia, I'll be Greg.
Serena: Ew.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: I can't believe the woman I work for can't design her way out of a garbage bag.
Mrs. Waldorf: Surprise! I'm here and you're fired!

Humphrey Apartment
Vanessa: Nate canceled on me!
Rufus: Show up anyway! What could go wrong?

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Hey guests! Have you all heard about how my boyfriend is English? Prince Harry! Oxford! Piccadilly Circus!
Chuck: Let's have sex!
Blair: Uh, excuse you. We're in public. But feel free to erotically grope me.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment into Elevator
Serena: You know we're meant to break up because of our awkward small talk.
Dan: You're so pretty! Pretty pretty! Did I say pretty already?
Serena: And you want to be a writer with that vocabulary? Thank GOD I'm breaking this off.

Waldorf Apartment
Catherine: Nate! Sex! Now!
Nate: Take that fifty out of my man panties!
Vanessa: Nate! Why is this older woman holding your peeper?

BLACKOUT. Fo' sho'.

Nate: Vanessa! I'm having sex with her, but I love YOU.
Vanessa: I didn't sign up to be in some creepy love triangle with you and someone's mom!*

*The actual line. The show is actually that ridiculous and self-aware.

Nate: Understand! She's paying me! And you're a dirt poor, home-schooled outcast, so I know you can't afford my rate!

Elevator
Dan: Phone people! Send help for the future Pulitzer Prize winner Daniel Humphrey!
Serena: A hint: when you name drop, make sure it's someone that people actually care about.

Waldorf Apartment
Catherine: Where's Man Bangs?
Blair: Excuse you, like I care, my party blows.
Catherine: Speaking of, you know who you won't be blowing? Marcus. 'Cause he's English. Get yourself an American gigolo while you still have an independent spending account.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: Mrs. Waldorf! Watch me suck in the up direction!
Mrs. Waldorf: Are you still here? Didn't I fire you?
Jenny: I'm like the Friday the 13th movies. I keep coming back despite horrible reviews.

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Marcus! Sex in my room. Now.
Marcus: Did my accent change back into American? No. So keep your hands away from my junk.
Blair: Whatever. I'm going to pretend you said yes. I'll be in my room. In case anyone in the general listening vicinity wants to see me slut up.

Catherine: I'm rich.
Vanessa: Ooh, I knew I was going to lose this one.

Blair: Marcus? Is that you on the edge of my doorway, despite you being shorter and with way worse fashion sense than you were minutes ago?
Chuck: ENGLISH ACCENT!
Blair: Good enough.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: I LOVE YOU, MRS. WALDORF.
Mrs. Waldorf: Don't make any sudden movements, Eleanor, or she'll pounce and use your skin for a trench coat.

Elevator
Serena: You suck, Dan!
Dan: I have arm muscles!
Serena: Aaaaaaaaaaand, you're dumped.

Waldorf Apartment

LIGHTS ON!

Nate: Where's Vanessa?
Catherine: In my special place. Want to check?

Marcus: You're making out with that motherchucker?
Blair: You won't have sex with me!
Marcus: Fine, if you just shut up, I'll do it. *under his breath* Americans.

Nate: Vanessa!
Vanessa: Stay with the mom-pimp for reasons I won't tell you but you probably should have figured out when you told her where your dad was hiding from the government.

Waldorf Workroom
Rufus: Jenny, are you okay?
Mrs. Waldorf: Oh. Maybe I should make sure Blair's alright.
Jenny: Isn't she, like, the mother of the effing year?

Elevator
Serena: The door's open! Sayonara, loser! Go back to your poor friends!

Limo
Chuck: My penis doesn't work!
Girl: Still? Then stop calling me!

Bridge
Dan: Serena and I broke up.
Vanessa: Excuse you. You didn't make out with a man whore.
Dan: At least his man-whore status matches his man bangs.

GG: I like seasons! They're seasonal!