Recap: Top Chef "Watch What Happens Reunion"

Andy Cohen hosts! All the chefs and the judges (including English Toby) are present. The final four sit on a couch: Fabio, Hosea, Stefan, and "Hootie Hoo!" (or Carla, if you're not familiar with her catchphrase). Andy sets up Fan Favorite: viewers voted online and the chef with the most votes wins $10,000. Votes among the cheftestants are split between Carla and Fabio, until Leah (*groan*) jokes that even Stefan could win it, leaving Stefan to talk bigger than big. Tom shakes his head, adamantly saying that Stefan will not win.

Andy asks if anyone doubted Hosea would win. Leah is the only one who raises her hand. She pretends to be kidding, but she's totally not. We get a video reel of Hosea Highlights where he waxes poetic about his goals and his food. We also get a rehash of the Hosea/Stefan rivalry.

Hosea says that he will be putting his money in some to-be-determined business ventures. Tom states that the two parts of the finale had the best food of the season. He also reiterates that Stefan's biggest mistake was dessert. Stefan tries to convince everyone that he's happy that he didn't win.

Questions from the fans begin! When asked about Team Europe's bromance, we get another montage. We get to see some ridiculous joking sequences with the two of them, including lots of kisses (head, cheek) and whisperings into each other's ears. Fabio and Stefan are still best buds in California, but Fabio states firmly that he's straight. Straight. He has sex with women, people! Stefan gets an "I Heart Fabio" shirt, much to his glee.

Next, we get a "Carla gets in tune with the Spirit Guides" video. She mediates, sings, and dances. We also finally have an explanation of "Hootie Hoo!": it's a call and response for when she or her husband is lost. Carla believes that her good attitude helped her do well.

Andy next shows a video of the Birthday Curse: Daniel, Gene, Radhika, and Leah were eliminated on or within a few days of their birthdays.

We next get a Jeff montage of his crazy, creative, complex foods and his gorgeous bangs. Oh, Jeff! You're MY fan favorite!

Tom gets a question about how he saved a woman who was choking. Everyone claps. The chefs say that they're not all familiar with the Heimlich, which Tom recommends everyone learns.

Gail admits that a lot of what is said at the judges' table is either boring or useless. Of course, what we see in the next montage are the most slamming remarks of the past season: "cat food," "inedible," "weapons of mass destruction," etc. Melissa, an often-slammed contestant, says that the montage was hard to watch. Stefan tries to explain that the feeling crosses over into those in the top.

Lauren and Patrick (does anyone remember them?) are criticized by a fan for not being able to make food out of apples and having to pack their knives in the first episode. It's a low blow, but at least we actually get to see the earlier contestants in this reunion show, unlike the Project Runway ones where you forget that there were contestants other than the top six or so.

We finally get the question about Leah and Hosea, including the expected montage where they repeat in interviews that nothing's going on because they're in relationships--until they make out drunk on a couch. Leah, back at the reunion, is pissed that they're showing this montage, especially the kiss. Hosea tries to explain the kiss: they were completely hammered. Stefan doesn't care that they hooked up because everyone cheats at one time or another (Thanks, Stefan. I see that your relationship with Fabio will last!). Hosea insists that other people must have had relations on the show, but they weren't filmed. Andy and Tom joke that they're the ones that have been hooking up. (Ew.)

Next, we find out what happened to Leah and Hosea's relationships back home: both broke up. Hosea insists that right now he and Leah are good friends and that they considered dating but won't because they live so far apart. Leah insists that she would never move from New York for Hosea, but Hosea makes it pretty clear that if he were offered a job in New York, he'd take it.

We then get the expected montage of the stupid stuff that's done in the Glad Room of Glad Products. Unlike drunker, less-creative seasons, these chefs made beds and volleyball nets out of Glad Products. But, of course, the drunkenness still applies: Leah and Jamie got completely sloshed one night and can't completely remember what happened in front of Judges' Table.

Ariane is voted the biggest crier of the show, but we also get a long montage of everyone crying. Leah says that her mother told her not to cry on Top Chef because she'd "look like a little bitch." Uh, no, Leah. Cheating on your boyfriend will make you look like a total bitch. But thanks for playing!

To answer a question about his hubris, Stefan says that he just looks in the mirror every day and reminds himself that he is the best. We then get our Stefan montage of him hitting on Jamie, Andrea, Gail, and Padma. Andy asks the question we've all been wondering: why did Stefan pursue Jamie so fiercely when he knew that she was batting for the home team? Stefan says that he simply respects her cooking and that "she's got a great rack." Jamie says she'd rather die of tequila poisoning than have sex with Stefan. No one thinks Stefan will win Fan Favorite.

The chefs reveal their nicknames for each other: Patrick is "Pocket Chef," Richard is "Big Gay Rich," Jeff is "Don Sorbet Johnson," Hosea is "Old T(estement)", Leah is a "Ho Fo' So'," and Ariane is "Cougar." Thusly, Ariane gets an "I'm a Cougar in the Kitchen" shirt. Both shirts this season are nice, but neither matches the caliber of Andrew's "Culinary Boner" shirt from last year.

Radhika gets called out for constantly Indian-inspired meals, which she denies. As someone who watched the show, I have to say that most of the things she made were, in fact, Indian or Indian-inspired.

Jamie gets her montage. It's mostly her complaining, but Jamie says that it's mostly due to the pressure and her perfectionism. I agree. Jamie always seemed upset with herself, not others.

Andy brings up Jeff's interview in People where Jeff said Tom's food was boring. Jeff claims that he was completely misquoted, which Tom accepts, saying that he's been misquoted in the past as well. Jeff also talks about his treatment as a "sex symbol" how his wife was wondering why he was shirtless every episode. (It was for the greater good, Jeff!)

We next get our Bald Men Montage. Gail was feeling outnumbered by the bald men. We next get some Photoshopped pictures of the bald contestants with hair from other Bravo stars, including Christian Siriano and Richard Blais.

Richard calls Tom "Pecs."

Finally, we find out who the Fan Favorite is! The Fan Favorite is...Fabio! (Of course!) We get our montage of our lovable Fabio, his accent, and his charm. Fabio is very thankful and Stefan takes solace in the fact that he has a faction of female fans who love him. Fabio will be using the money to work on the restaurant and his mother. Hosea asks for support for cancer research on behalf of his dad.

And that, my friends, was Top Chef Season 5! Not quite as good as last season, but we did get to have Team Europe and Jeff the BangsMaster, so it was a season well-spent.

Recap: Top Chef "Finale Part 2"

Previously on Top Chef:

Fabio said arrivederci, leaving Carla, Hosea, and Stefan enter the final cook-off.

Recap:

We’re in New Orleans, baby! The finalists get to eat breakfast on a ferry. Carla is confident that she can win. Hosea says he worked his ass off (that and his cheating lips) to get here. Stephan is still upset that his European lover has left, but he smack talks enough for both himself and the eliminated Fabio.

They greet Padma and Tom, who present the final challenge: a three course meal, dessert optional. They will be cooking at the Commander’s Palace. Sous chefs arrive. In walk past season finalists who didn’t win: Marcel (Season 2 asshole), Casey (who screwed up in Season 3), and Richard (from Season 4. Oh, Richard my love! How good your non-frosted hair looks!). The finalists pick knives to pick sous chefs. Hosea selects Richard. Stefan picks Marcel. Carla gets Casey.

Into the kitchen! Hosea and Stefan fight over foie gras. Richard is as good-natured as ever, fully putting his all into Hosea’s food. Carla wants to make some meat and potatoes, but Casey wants to make the steak sous vide, which Carla is hesitant about, but is pushed-over into making. Marcel, surprisingly, hasn’t said anything ass-hole-ish, put that’s probably because they haven’t shown him in any one-on-one interviews. As they leave the kitchen for the night, Richard and Hosea fist bump.

A voodoo tarot card reader comes in to entertain the finalists at the hotel. Stefan asks if he has a girlfriend in his future, specifically someone named Jamie (Really, Stefan. How have you not figured out she’s a lesbian yet?). He also mentions how he wants voodoo dolls named Carla and Hosea to poke.

Tom greets them in the kitchen with alligator, blue crab, and red fish. Carla’s eyes pop out of her head. They each get a slice of King Cake. Whoever gets the piece with the baby in it will pick the protein for everyone else. Hosea finds the tiny plastic baby. Hosea takes the fish, gives Carla the crab, and slaps the alligator onto his nemesis Stefan.

Stefan has never cooked alligator before, but figures that the tail is probably the most edible part. Carla gets clipped by a live crab.

Hosea is making blackened red fish on corn cake with creole roumelade; a sashimi trio of black bass, tuna, and hamachi; seared scallop with foie gras on pain perou, apple preserves, and foie gras foam; and pan-roasted venison with chestnut and celery root puree, wild mushrooms, and carbonated blackberries.

Stefan is making alligator soup with celeraic and puff pastry; smoked salmon and halibut carpaccio with microgreens; pan-seared squab with braised cabbage, schupfnudeln, foie gras, and grape jus; and stracciatella ice cream, chocolate mousse, and banana lollipop in vanilla syrup.

Carla is making sisho soup with blue crab; seared snapper with saffron aioli, braised fennel, and grilled clam; sous vide NY strip steak with seared potato rod in Merlot sauce; and an apple tart coin, walnut crumble, micro greens, and marmalade. She is focusing on a French meal. Casey suggests making a bleu cheese souffle, and Carla agrees to make it.

It’s Party Time! The chefs plate as the guests (mostly executive chefs at New Orleans restuarants) arrive. English Toby is one of the them, but I hope he doesn’t talk. I’m not in the mood for him comparing alligator to Penelope Cruz’s acceptance speech.

Appetizers Ahoy! Hosea’s red fish appetizer goes over well. Stefan’s alligator soup actually turns out well. Carla’s crab soup also does well. I guess the chefs are really bringing it.

First Course! Carla’s was great, but Hosea’s didn’t pop. Stefan’s dish has mixed reviews.

Second Course! Carla’s steak is too tough. Stefan’s squab was delicious. Hosea’s was well-done. Rocco DiSpirito complains that foie gras is overdone/passé, and Gail rolls her eyes (my reaction to most of what Rocco says as well).

Third Course! Carla curdles her souffles, so she doesn’t plate them (although she tells the judges she messed up). Stefan’s desert is good, but dated. Hosea’s venison is well-done, but they question his decision not to make a dessert. Fabio votes for Hosea, which seals the deal for me that Hosea is going to win. If Team Europe is voting against Stefan, it’s a done deal.

As the kitchen closes, Carla laments her poor meal. Hosea and Stefan finally put away the rivalry and hope for the best.

Judge’s Table! The judges call Carla out on letting Casey control too much of the menu. Hosea admits that it was fun to stick it to Stefan with the alligator. Toby calls Hosea out on not doing a dessert, which Hosea defends against well, stating that he would rather present the best dishes he can, especially if there are only three dishes required. Stefan’s squab is called the strongest meal of the night, although his first course is still panned.

Carla tries to wax poetic with tears to win over the judges. Stefan shows a heart and tries to hug her. When they return to the hotel holding room, Stefan wipes away her tears in a really sweet gesture. Too bad she has a husband, Stefan!

Stefan’s meal was structurally sound, but the carpaccio was weak and the dessert was mundane. Toby dislikes Hosea’s dinner, but Gail and Tom say that Hosea showed a good progression.

Tom praises the contestants: Carla’s heart, Hosea’s consistency, and Stefan’s highs, despite the lows. Padma, as usual, draws out the name of the winner. Hosea is named the winner of Top Chef.

Stefan is disappointed, but he looks to the future. Eliminated contestants come out. We get lots of shots of Jeff and his bangs. Carla breaks down, saying how she wanted to teach people how to cook with love. Hosea is gleeful about kicking Stefan’s ass and winning. As a form of congratulations, Leah kisses Hosea on the lips (guess her boyfriend broke up with her due to her cheating ways).

Next Week:

Are Hosea and Leah dating? Find out on the Reunion Special!

Recap: Top Chef "Finale Part 1"

Previously on Top Chef:

Fabio rocks. Leah sucks.

Recap:

Hosea, Fabio, Stephan, and Carla make it to the finals, which are taking place in New Orleans. It's been a few months. Hosea has further manscaped his goatee. Fabio has a mohawk and a pink scarf, further confirming his Eurotrash status. Carla has straightened her hair and legitimately looks good. Stephan is just as arrogant as ever. Everyone waxes poetic about how great New Orleans' cuisine is.

They drive up to a planation where EMERIL is waiting for them, looking as greasy as ever. Padma is wearing a gorge blue sweater with kick-ass boots. Tom has layered on so much clothing I'm pretty sure it's added a good inch all around. (If it seems like I'm doing too much commentary on the clothing, it's only because Project Runway should be in full swing right now and I'm still kinda upset.)

For the quickfire, Padma announces that the finalists won't be cooking. Who will, you ask? Out comes Jeff (of the beautiful, beautiful bangs), Jamie (of Team Rainbow, who has FABULOUS new highlights), and Leah (of the boyfriend cheating). The winner of this quickfire will become a finalist. It's very Clay Aiken in American Idol season 2.

The quickfire picks a New Orleans staple: crawfish. Leah decides to do a gumbo, despite the fact that she's never made it before or used crawfish (but, she's learned how to use the trinity from Emeril, so she thinks she's golden). Jeff is making crawfish and grits. Jamie is making crawfish and sausage over poached eggs.

Emeril announces that Jeff will be added the the finalists, which annoys me because I wanted Jamie to get another chance. In order to continue, Jeff will have to win the elimination challenge. In the meantime, we will get a lot more shots of him interviewing in that very, very nice grey zip-up.

Jeff and Fabio embrace. Or, well, Jeff nearly tackles Fabio with a hug.

They get to eat at Emeril's restaurant. Jeff has unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt. Mmm...I mean...um...Everyone talks about how their families are important to them. Fabio wants to support his mother. Carla, her husband and stepson. Hosea and Stephan, obviously family-less, talk more about winning. Stephan wears a shirt that says "Nothing Tips Like a Cow," which almost makes me like him, but then he says that this isn't a "butt-rubbing competition" and I remember why he's not on my good side.

The next day they go to Mardi Gras world. They will have to create two dishes and one cocktail in the creole style for a masquerade ball. To sweeten the pot, they will be giving away a TOYOTA. A TOYOTA, did you hear? TOYOTA!!!

Also, apparently Fabio dresses up as female superheroes for Halloween. Namely, Catwoman and Wonder Woman.

Hosea is making a duck, andouille, and chicken gumbo, pecan-crusted catfish, and a hurricane with Grand Marnier and Rum. Carla is making an oyster stew, a shrimp andouille beignet, and a non-alcoholic cranberry spritzer. However, the oysters aren't shucked, so she will have to do it by hand. Stephan will be making suck and rabbit gumbo with grits, apple beignets, and a black cherry and rum cocktail. Jeff is super-nervous, as shown by him running around the kitchen, bangs blowing in the breeze. He's making fried oysters with sausage, crawfish pot de creme, and a cucumber mojito. Fabio, our Eurotrash lover, is making sausage and rabbit (What is with all the rabbit? Are they secretly native to New Orleans?) maque choux with grits, crawfish and crab stew with caserecci pasta, muffuletta bread, and a bell pepper martini.

Hosea and Stephan are both making gumbo, which apparently takes constant supervision. Stephan ignores this and goes out for a smoking break, as well as using packaged sausage, to the chargin of his competiters. Tom comes around, a smile intact, and gives everyone support. Fabio studied the "flavor profile" of New Orleans, but wants to stay Italian, leading Tom to be concerned. He's not as concerned about Jeff, who's from the South. Tom is worried about Carla's time--shucking will take a long time. Stephan is too confident in his opinion, and Hosea isn't taking enough risks.

Carla makes a MacGyver reference and becomes my new favorite.

They get to the location and Carla is STILL not done shucking. Everyone gets a bartender and teaches them how to make their drink. Padma and the judges come down wearing masks. Gail is finally back (THANK GOD!). They all look fabulous, and Padma's boobs take the forefront in her corset dress with a drop-waist.

Hosea forgot some of his utensils so he doesn't know how he's going to serve his gumbo. Carla bemoans having so many oysters left to shuck.

Fabio seems to equate "masquerade ball" with "porno." (Oh, Fabio. You never cease to amaze me with your metaphors.)

Jeff's meal gets raves, especially his cockatil, giving me hope that I will see his bangs in the next episode. Stephan's gumbo turns out a little lighter than it should be, but he otherwise does well. Fabio's food is good, but is missing the "heat." Carla reiterates that she's putting LOVE in her food, which must have worked, because they love how authetic it is. Hosea has captured "the spirit of New Orleans" according to Emeril. Thanks for keeping us guessing, judges!

Judge's Table. Everyone is called out. Two chefs will be eliminated. I'm on the fricking edge of my seat and I'm not kidding. Jeff is complimented for all of his dishes. Fabio gets called out for lacking heat and having a too-sweet cocktail. Stephan is called out for not having a dark enough gumbo, a rather sweet cocktail, and a bad attitude. Carla is praised overall, as is Hosea. They are sent away while the judges deliberate, but not to the Glad! Room of Product Placement, but a nice sitting room.

The judges agree that Jeff is in the top three, but they don't know if he was good enough to win. Team Europe are both the bottom two dishes.

The chefs are all brought in. Carla wins, leaving Jeff to be eliminated for the second time, leaving to him with sad eyes and the most pressed smile I've ever seen. So now it's between Stephan and Fabio. Fabio, our wonderous little piece of Eurotrash, is eliminated. He and Stephan embrace in the unity that is Team Europe. Fabio praises Stephan, knowing that he is the best (right, because that's why he was in the bottom two).

Next Week:

Carla, Hosea, and Stephan cook it out!

Who Has the Chops to Make It to the Top?

Much thanks to my dear friend Ryan who has fueled my blogging self. I've done the lj thing for a while and will continue to fic there. This, though, will serve as an outlet for my rants and raves (television or otherwise).

Top Chef: Chicago Finale

Congratulations, Stephanie!

Chicago and womanhood represent! Stephanie, our cheery little girl-next-door, has been awarded Top Chef and all of the Glad goodies that come with it! (She is also rewarded with the nickname of "Steph-Top," which I think is adorably clever due to my love of her, Top Chef, and stuffing.) I seriously could not be happier. After Jillian lost Project Runway and Rachel didn't even make the finals of I'd Do Anything, I was ready to just think that the reality TV gods were messing with my head. Lisa's appearance in the final was upsetting to say the least (kicking Antonia out for undercooked beans? Oh, Tommy C, why must you do just unjust things and make my heart pang worse than when Nick was kicked off of Runway instead of Santino?).

Santino's hideous craftsmanship a la PR2. Made a grown
woman cry to see sweet Nick eliminated with this crap
on the runway, I swear.

But worse than Lisa just showing her bitchy crossed arms in the finale, she looked like an actual freaking contender. And then proceeded to shove that in Richard and Stephanie's faces in the Glad Room of Product Placement and Despair. She should have been eliminated when she was in the bottom two with Dale, period. Even Tommy agrees.

As for Richard, I feel bad for the man. He's super-sweet and never came across as mean or vindictive. He accomplished many great things in this competition and was truly one of the most innovative chefs Top Chef has ever seen.

Also, I have never seen a winner announcement milked as hard as that one. I literally was ready to throw a pillow cushion at Padma.

That's all for now, kiddies! Next entry will be about my new obsession, Gossip Girl, and how a TV show can be awesome without you actually having to care about the characters!