Recap: Top Chef "Watch What Happens Reunion"

Andy Cohen hosts! All the chefs and the judges (including English Toby) are present. The final four sit on a couch: Fabio, Hosea, Stefan, and "Hootie Hoo!" (or Carla, if you're not familiar with her catchphrase). Andy sets up Fan Favorite: viewers voted online and the chef with the most votes wins $10,000. Votes among the cheftestants are split between Carla and Fabio, until Leah (*groan*) jokes that even Stefan could win it, leaving Stefan to talk bigger than big. Tom shakes his head, adamantly saying that Stefan will not win.

Andy asks if anyone doubted Hosea would win. Leah is the only one who raises her hand. She pretends to be kidding, but she's totally not. We get a video reel of Hosea Highlights where he waxes poetic about his goals and his food. We also get a rehash of the Hosea/Stefan rivalry.

Hosea says that he will be putting his money in some to-be-determined business ventures. Tom states that the two parts of the finale had the best food of the season. He also reiterates that Stefan's biggest mistake was dessert. Stefan tries to convince everyone that he's happy that he didn't win.

Questions from the fans begin! When asked about Team Europe's bromance, we get another montage. We get to see some ridiculous joking sequences with the two of them, including lots of kisses (head, cheek) and whisperings into each other's ears. Fabio and Stefan are still best buds in California, but Fabio states firmly that he's straight. Straight. He has sex with women, people! Stefan gets an "I Heart Fabio" shirt, much to his glee.

Next, we get a "Carla gets in tune with the Spirit Guides" video. She mediates, sings, and dances. We also finally have an explanation of "Hootie Hoo!": it's a call and response for when she or her husband is lost. Carla believes that her good attitude helped her do well.

Andy next shows a video of the Birthday Curse: Daniel, Gene, Radhika, and Leah were eliminated on or within a few days of their birthdays.

We next get a Jeff montage of his crazy, creative, complex foods and his gorgeous bangs. Oh, Jeff! You're MY fan favorite!

Tom gets a question about how he saved a woman who was choking. Everyone claps. The chefs say that they're not all familiar with the Heimlich, which Tom recommends everyone learns.

Gail admits that a lot of what is said at the judges' table is either boring or useless. Of course, what we see in the next montage are the most slamming remarks of the past season: "cat food," "inedible," "weapons of mass destruction," etc. Melissa, an often-slammed contestant, says that the montage was hard to watch. Stefan tries to explain that the feeling crosses over into those in the top.

Lauren and Patrick (does anyone remember them?) are criticized by a fan for not being able to make food out of apples and having to pack their knives in the first episode. It's a low blow, but at least we actually get to see the earlier contestants in this reunion show, unlike the Project Runway ones where you forget that there were contestants other than the top six or so.

We finally get the question about Leah and Hosea, including the expected montage where they repeat in interviews that nothing's going on because they're in relationships--until they make out drunk on a couch. Leah, back at the reunion, is pissed that they're showing this montage, especially the kiss. Hosea tries to explain the kiss: they were completely hammered. Stefan doesn't care that they hooked up because everyone cheats at one time or another (Thanks, Stefan. I see that your relationship with Fabio will last!). Hosea insists that other people must have had relations on the show, but they weren't filmed. Andy and Tom joke that they're the ones that have been hooking up. (Ew.)

Next, we find out what happened to Leah and Hosea's relationships back home: both broke up. Hosea insists that right now he and Leah are good friends and that they considered dating but won't because they live so far apart. Leah insists that she would never move from New York for Hosea, but Hosea makes it pretty clear that if he were offered a job in New York, he'd take it.

We then get the expected montage of the stupid stuff that's done in the Glad Room of Glad Products. Unlike drunker, less-creative seasons, these chefs made beds and volleyball nets out of Glad Products. But, of course, the drunkenness still applies: Leah and Jamie got completely sloshed one night and can't completely remember what happened in front of Judges' Table.

Ariane is voted the biggest crier of the show, but we also get a long montage of everyone crying. Leah says that her mother told her not to cry on Top Chef because she'd "look like a little bitch." Uh, no, Leah. Cheating on your boyfriend will make you look like a total bitch. But thanks for playing!

To answer a question about his hubris, Stefan says that he just looks in the mirror every day and reminds himself that he is the best. We then get our Stefan montage of him hitting on Jamie, Andrea, Gail, and Padma. Andy asks the question we've all been wondering: why did Stefan pursue Jamie so fiercely when he knew that she was batting for the home team? Stefan says that he simply respects her cooking and that "she's got a great rack." Jamie says she'd rather die of tequila poisoning than have sex with Stefan. No one thinks Stefan will win Fan Favorite.

The chefs reveal their nicknames for each other: Patrick is "Pocket Chef," Richard is "Big Gay Rich," Jeff is "Don Sorbet Johnson," Hosea is "Old T(estement)", Leah is a "Ho Fo' So'," and Ariane is "Cougar." Thusly, Ariane gets an "I'm a Cougar in the Kitchen" shirt. Both shirts this season are nice, but neither matches the caliber of Andrew's "Culinary Boner" shirt from last year.

Radhika gets called out for constantly Indian-inspired meals, which she denies. As someone who watched the show, I have to say that most of the things she made were, in fact, Indian or Indian-inspired.

Jamie gets her montage. It's mostly her complaining, but Jamie says that it's mostly due to the pressure and her perfectionism. I agree. Jamie always seemed upset with herself, not others.

Andy brings up Jeff's interview in People where Jeff said Tom's food was boring. Jeff claims that he was completely misquoted, which Tom accepts, saying that he's been misquoted in the past as well. Jeff also talks about his treatment as a "sex symbol" how his wife was wondering why he was shirtless every episode. (It was for the greater good, Jeff!)

We next get our Bald Men Montage. Gail was feeling outnumbered by the bald men. We next get some Photoshopped pictures of the bald contestants with hair from other Bravo stars, including Christian Siriano and Richard Blais.

Richard calls Tom "Pecs."

Finally, we find out who the Fan Favorite is! The Fan Favorite is...Fabio! (Of course!) We get our montage of our lovable Fabio, his accent, and his charm. Fabio is very thankful and Stefan takes solace in the fact that he has a faction of female fans who love him. Fabio will be using the money to work on the restaurant and his mother. Hosea asks for support for cancer research on behalf of his dad.

And that, my friends, was Top Chef Season 5! Not quite as good as last season, but we did get to have Team Europe and Jeff the BangsMaster, so it was a season well-spent.

Recap: Top Chef "Finale Part 2"

Previously on Top Chef:

Fabio said arrivederci, leaving Carla, Hosea, and Stefan enter the final cook-off.

Recap:

We’re in New Orleans, baby! The finalists get to eat breakfast on a ferry. Carla is confident that she can win. Hosea says he worked his ass off (that and his cheating lips) to get here. Stephan is still upset that his European lover has left, but he smack talks enough for both himself and the eliminated Fabio.

They greet Padma and Tom, who present the final challenge: a three course meal, dessert optional. They will be cooking at the Commander’s Palace. Sous chefs arrive. In walk past season finalists who didn’t win: Marcel (Season 2 asshole), Casey (who screwed up in Season 3), and Richard (from Season 4. Oh, Richard my love! How good your non-frosted hair looks!). The finalists pick knives to pick sous chefs. Hosea selects Richard. Stefan picks Marcel. Carla gets Casey.

Into the kitchen! Hosea and Stefan fight over foie gras. Richard is as good-natured as ever, fully putting his all into Hosea’s food. Carla wants to make some meat and potatoes, but Casey wants to make the steak sous vide, which Carla is hesitant about, but is pushed-over into making. Marcel, surprisingly, hasn’t said anything ass-hole-ish, put that’s probably because they haven’t shown him in any one-on-one interviews. As they leave the kitchen for the night, Richard and Hosea fist bump.

A voodoo tarot card reader comes in to entertain the finalists at the hotel. Stefan asks if he has a girlfriend in his future, specifically someone named Jamie (Really, Stefan. How have you not figured out she’s a lesbian yet?). He also mentions how he wants voodoo dolls named Carla and Hosea to poke.

Tom greets them in the kitchen with alligator, blue crab, and red fish. Carla’s eyes pop out of her head. They each get a slice of King Cake. Whoever gets the piece with the baby in it will pick the protein for everyone else. Hosea finds the tiny plastic baby. Hosea takes the fish, gives Carla the crab, and slaps the alligator onto his nemesis Stefan.

Stefan has never cooked alligator before, but figures that the tail is probably the most edible part. Carla gets clipped by a live crab.

Hosea is making blackened red fish on corn cake with creole roumelade; a sashimi trio of black bass, tuna, and hamachi; seared scallop with foie gras on pain perou, apple preserves, and foie gras foam; and pan-roasted venison with chestnut and celery root puree, wild mushrooms, and carbonated blackberries.

Stefan is making alligator soup with celeraic and puff pastry; smoked salmon and halibut carpaccio with microgreens; pan-seared squab with braised cabbage, schupfnudeln, foie gras, and grape jus; and stracciatella ice cream, chocolate mousse, and banana lollipop in vanilla syrup.

Carla is making sisho soup with blue crab; seared snapper with saffron aioli, braised fennel, and grilled clam; sous vide NY strip steak with seared potato rod in Merlot sauce; and an apple tart coin, walnut crumble, micro greens, and marmalade. She is focusing on a French meal. Casey suggests making a bleu cheese souffle, and Carla agrees to make it.

It’s Party Time! The chefs plate as the guests (mostly executive chefs at New Orleans restuarants) arrive. English Toby is one of the them, but I hope he doesn’t talk. I’m not in the mood for him comparing alligator to Penelope Cruz’s acceptance speech.

Appetizers Ahoy! Hosea’s red fish appetizer goes over well. Stefan’s alligator soup actually turns out well. Carla’s crab soup also does well. I guess the chefs are really bringing it.

First Course! Carla’s was great, but Hosea’s didn’t pop. Stefan’s dish has mixed reviews.

Second Course! Carla’s steak is too tough. Stefan’s squab was delicious. Hosea’s was well-done. Rocco DiSpirito complains that foie gras is overdone/passé, and Gail rolls her eyes (my reaction to most of what Rocco says as well).

Third Course! Carla curdles her souffles, so she doesn’t plate them (although she tells the judges she messed up). Stefan’s desert is good, but dated. Hosea’s venison is well-done, but they question his decision not to make a dessert. Fabio votes for Hosea, which seals the deal for me that Hosea is going to win. If Team Europe is voting against Stefan, it’s a done deal.

As the kitchen closes, Carla laments her poor meal. Hosea and Stefan finally put away the rivalry and hope for the best.

Judge’s Table! The judges call Carla out on letting Casey control too much of the menu. Hosea admits that it was fun to stick it to Stefan with the alligator. Toby calls Hosea out on not doing a dessert, which Hosea defends against well, stating that he would rather present the best dishes he can, especially if there are only three dishes required. Stefan’s squab is called the strongest meal of the night, although his first course is still panned.

Carla tries to wax poetic with tears to win over the judges. Stefan shows a heart and tries to hug her. When they return to the hotel holding room, Stefan wipes away her tears in a really sweet gesture. Too bad she has a husband, Stefan!

Stefan’s meal was structurally sound, but the carpaccio was weak and the dessert was mundane. Toby dislikes Hosea’s dinner, but Gail and Tom say that Hosea showed a good progression.

Tom praises the contestants: Carla’s heart, Hosea’s consistency, and Stefan’s highs, despite the lows. Padma, as usual, draws out the name of the winner. Hosea is named the winner of Top Chef.

Stefan is disappointed, but he looks to the future. Eliminated contestants come out. We get lots of shots of Jeff and his bangs. Carla breaks down, saying how she wanted to teach people how to cook with love. Hosea is gleeful about kicking Stefan’s ass and winning. As a form of congratulations, Leah kisses Hosea on the lips (guess her boyfriend broke up with her due to her cheating ways).

Next Week:

Are Hosea and Leah dating? Find out on the Reunion Special!

Recap: Top Chef "Finale Part 1"

Previously on Top Chef:

Fabio rocks. Leah sucks.

Recap:

Hosea, Fabio, Stephan, and Carla make it to the finals, which are taking place in New Orleans. It's been a few months. Hosea has further manscaped his goatee. Fabio has a mohawk and a pink scarf, further confirming his Eurotrash status. Carla has straightened her hair and legitimately looks good. Stephan is just as arrogant as ever. Everyone waxes poetic about how great New Orleans' cuisine is.

They drive up to a planation where EMERIL is waiting for them, looking as greasy as ever. Padma is wearing a gorge blue sweater with kick-ass boots. Tom has layered on so much clothing I'm pretty sure it's added a good inch all around. (If it seems like I'm doing too much commentary on the clothing, it's only because Project Runway should be in full swing right now and I'm still kinda upset.)

For the quickfire, Padma announces that the finalists won't be cooking. Who will, you ask? Out comes Jeff (of the beautiful, beautiful bangs), Jamie (of Team Rainbow, who has FABULOUS new highlights), and Leah (of the boyfriend cheating). The winner of this quickfire will become a finalist. It's very Clay Aiken in American Idol season 2.

The quickfire picks a New Orleans staple: crawfish. Leah decides to do a gumbo, despite the fact that she's never made it before or used crawfish (but, she's learned how to use the trinity from Emeril, so she thinks she's golden). Jeff is making crawfish and grits. Jamie is making crawfish and sausage over poached eggs.

Emeril announces that Jeff will be added the the finalists, which annoys me because I wanted Jamie to get another chance. In order to continue, Jeff will have to win the elimination challenge. In the meantime, we will get a lot more shots of him interviewing in that very, very nice grey zip-up.

Jeff and Fabio embrace. Or, well, Jeff nearly tackles Fabio with a hug.

They get to eat at Emeril's restaurant. Jeff has unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt. Mmm...I mean...um...Everyone talks about how their families are important to them. Fabio wants to support his mother. Carla, her husband and stepson. Hosea and Stephan, obviously family-less, talk more about winning. Stephan wears a shirt that says "Nothing Tips Like a Cow," which almost makes me like him, but then he says that this isn't a "butt-rubbing competition" and I remember why he's not on my good side.

The next day they go to Mardi Gras world. They will have to create two dishes and one cocktail in the creole style for a masquerade ball. To sweeten the pot, they will be giving away a TOYOTA. A TOYOTA, did you hear? TOYOTA!!!

Also, apparently Fabio dresses up as female superheroes for Halloween. Namely, Catwoman and Wonder Woman.

Hosea is making a duck, andouille, and chicken gumbo, pecan-crusted catfish, and a hurricane with Grand Marnier and Rum. Carla is making an oyster stew, a shrimp andouille beignet, and a non-alcoholic cranberry spritzer. However, the oysters aren't shucked, so she will have to do it by hand. Stephan will be making suck and rabbit gumbo with grits, apple beignets, and a black cherry and rum cocktail. Jeff is super-nervous, as shown by him running around the kitchen, bangs blowing in the breeze. He's making fried oysters with sausage, crawfish pot de creme, and a cucumber mojito. Fabio, our Eurotrash lover, is making sausage and rabbit (What is with all the rabbit? Are they secretly native to New Orleans?) maque choux with grits, crawfish and crab stew with caserecci pasta, muffuletta bread, and a bell pepper martini.

Hosea and Stephan are both making gumbo, which apparently takes constant supervision. Stephan ignores this and goes out for a smoking break, as well as using packaged sausage, to the chargin of his competiters. Tom comes around, a smile intact, and gives everyone support. Fabio studied the "flavor profile" of New Orleans, but wants to stay Italian, leading Tom to be concerned. He's not as concerned about Jeff, who's from the South. Tom is worried about Carla's time--shucking will take a long time. Stephan is too confident in his opinion, and Hosea isn't taking enough risks.

Carla makes a MacGyver reference and becomes my new favorite.

They get to the location and Carla is STILL not done shucking. Everyone gets a bartender and teaches them how to make their drink. Padma and the judges come down wearing masks. Gail is finally back (THANK GOD!). They all look fabulous, and Padma's boobs take the forefront in her corset dress with a drop-waist.

Hosea forgot some of his utensils so he doesn't know how he's going to serve his gumbo. Carla bemoans having so many oysters left to shuck.

Fabio seems to equate "masquerade ball" with "porno." (Oh, Fabio. You never cease to amaze me with your metaphors.)

Jeff's meal gets raves, especially his cockatil, giving me hope that I will see his bangs in the next episode. Stephan's gumbo turns out a little lighter than it should be, but he otherwise does well. Fabio's food is good, but is missing the "heat." Carla reiterates that she's putting LOVE in her food, which must have worked, because they love how authetic it is. Hosea has captured "the spirit of New Orleans" according to Emeril. Thanks for keeping us guessing, judges!

Judge's Table. Everyone is called out. Two chefs will be eliminated. I'm on the fricking edge of my seat and I'm not kidding. Jeff is complimented for all of his dishes. Fabio gets called out for lacking heat and having a too-sweet cocktail. Stephan is called out for not having a dark enough gumbo, a rather sweet cocktail, and a bad attitude. Carla is praised overall, as is Hosea. They are sent away while the judges deliberate, but not to the Glad! Room of Product Placement, but a nice sitting room.

The judges agree that Jeff is in the top three, but they don't know if he was good enough to win. Team Europe are both the bottom two dishes.

The chefs are all brought in. Carla wins, leaving Jeff to be eliminated for the second time, leaving to him with sad eyes and the most pressed smile I've ever seen. So now it's between Stephan and Fabio. Fabio, our wonderous little piece of Eurotrash, is eliminated. He and Stephan embrace in the unity that is Team Europe. Fabio praises Stephan, knowing that he is the best (right, because that's why he was in the bottom two).

Next Week:

Carla, Hosea, and Stephan cook it out!

Recap: Smallville 8x05 "Committed"

Summary:

Chloe and Jimmy have one of those photo cakes which I totally hate because even though the photo part is edible, it takes like plastic. What's wrong with delicious frosting, America? Not novel enough for you?! Bah.

Jimmy cuts off Sugar Photo Chloe's head. Now that's what I call foreplay.

Lois, ever-the-alcoholic, emerges from her drunken stupor as the only voice of reason. I mean, the sloppy, slutty voice of reason, but the voice of reason all the same. She says that Chimmy ain't soulmates. What? The next thing you'll tell me is that bacon is bad for me. Mmm. Bacon.

"Jimmy Olsen hates puppies. There. I said it. That douchebag."
(Also, how effing contrived is that ferris wheel photo?)

ANYWAY, Clark, for some reason, decides that drunk Lois is making a scene and counters all of her very valid, yet slurred, points with gag-worthy platitudes.

Chloe and Jimmy go outside to say goodbye to their guests. Chloe is impressed by how Jimmy isn't jealous of Clark anymore and how that deserves some sexytime. Jimmy's all for it. Unfortunately for Little James, a masked man comes out of nowhere and stuns them! Oh Nos!

Lois wakes up at the Kent farm in Clark's football jersey. He gives her some antacid, not aware that Lois eats pickles for her hang-overs. She tables the antacid, highly concerned that she and Clark slept together. Clark finds this idea laughable. Getting puked on by a drunk girl while having sex isn't his thing. Well, actually, sex isn't his thing.

Tess hasn't been able to find "X." Oliver shows up at the Daily Planet. Tess wants Oliver to move on; Lex taught her that. (Let's hold for a moment while the entire fandom laughs hysterically at the idea of Lex ever moving on from anything.) Oliver asks Mercy out to dinner. "A meal's just a meal," he says. Uh, not when you also send the girl dresses. They plan a dinner date for later that night.

Lois and Clark go to Chloe's apartment. No sign of Chimmy, but there are some furry handcuffs. Lois is turned on. Clark wonders if Jimmy uses them to pin down delinquent cats.

It turns out that Lois drunk dials Chloe. She deletes it before we hear it all.

"...and he's such a gentleman, cos I just showed him
my rack. My boooobies! Heehee! BOOBS."

Clark and Lois realize that Chimmy are the latest in a string of couples that have been abducted. All of them went to the same baker, stationary shop, and jewelry vendor (and, you'll notice, Chloe sports a new engagement ring in this episode).

Chimmy are tied up to electric chair lie detectors. Crazy guy says that true lovers have no secrets (uh, sure). Crazy MoFo asks Jimmy if he's cheated on Chloe. Oh, you mean like last week? He says no. Chloe gets shocked. Jimmy freaks out and backtracks. Yeah. Way to pick a winner, Chlo.

Lois comes up with the idea that she and Clark pose as a couple to find whoever is doing this. She proposes marriage. Clark looks constipated.

"Pre-nup condition #1: I keep Shelby."

Jeweler's. Lois and Clark think for some reason that all couples give each other nicknames related to food and small canines. Oliver walks in and is shocked to see Lois and Clark there. When asked for an explanation, they tell Oliver that they're getting married. Ollie doesn't take it well and gives Clark the look of "Man, Bro Code. Bros before hos!" Clark, unfamiliar with the bro code as evidenced by trying to steal his ex-best friend's fiance away from him on their wedding day, looks away awkwardly before Lois leads them out.

Back to Basement of Doom! Crazy Guy asks Chloe if she loves anyone else. She waits for an insanely long moment before saying "no." I feel like we must have been missing a subtext.

"Do you love any other self-involved, skirt-chasing photographers
who are so beneath you that the only interaction you should have with
them is when they bring you your morning coffee?"

"No. Dammit. I didn't think this engagement out, did I?"

Oliver and Mercy spar with kendo sticks before she pins him against the wall. HOT. Then they make-out. HOTTER.

Lois gets kidnapped by Crazy Guy.

Chloe and Jimmy wake up in the bed of love. Instead of, you know, freaking the hell out because they were just tortured, they decide to kiss fondly first and wax poetic about their "perfect" relationship.

Clark finds Lois in the Basement of Doom! Before Clark can free her, Crazy Mo'Fo stops him with his kryptonite jewelry. He hooks them up to his makeshift killer lie detector. Crazy Mo'Fo asks Lois if she's ever cheated on Clark. She says no. He gets shocked anyway. Uh, why? How could she be lying? See! Lie detectors are the suck and don't work.

Lois confesses that she loves Clark. (Really TPTB? REALLY?) Clark sends Crazy's green bracelet down the drain and saves Lois.

Lois and Chloe talk about how Lois is, basically, the worst person to have at an engagement party. Chloe takes Lois' bottle of crazy insanely well. Lois talks about how torn up she feels because she and Ollie fell apart (but she's NOT in love with him, because she loves Clark. Right? Right?).

Jimmy confesses to Chloe that he is not who she thinks he is...because he's the son of DRUNKS! WHAT?! Chloe briefly entertains angry thoughts but then realizes that she keeps secrets all the effing time and probably has no rationale to judge anyone else for keeping secrets, especially considering she's keeping the secret of where her own father's been since season 3. Jimmy asks Chloe if she wants to break off the engagement because guys like him don't get guys like her. Jimmy, this is SMALLVILLE. The only guys Chloe gets are annoying creeps.

After waking up from their nighttime rendezvous, Ollie is all about sexing up Tess again. He offers her jewelry he picked up after his meeting with Lois and Clark. She scoffs and says that he was just scratching her itch.

Lois and Clark have awkward elevator time where Lois says that she lied and tricked the machine. Lois says she's just glad Clark didn't have to answer. Clark has confused face.

Elevators are like flying!

1. Chimmy?

"I guess Lois left more than her White Snake albums."

It was nice to see cute Chimmy. I did like Chimmy back in season six when they were uncomplicated and cute. But, like all Chimmy-ness, it devolves into painful viewing. This episode was so pointed: Chloe doesn't love Clark anymore! Chimmy 4-eva! Why, oh WHY does every episode have to suddenly be about how strong Chloe's feelings aren't for Clark?

I feel that Lois' concerns she voiced at the engagement party really weren't addressed at all. Chloe has that feeling that she and Jimmy are forever. I also have a feeling that Chloe's being controlled by Brainaic and have stopped associating her looks with her character that I used to love.

And how LAME was that secret? Watch how much I don't care.

2. Clois?
Con-fricking-trived. Unbelievable. Too soon. Pushed too hard. I've talked about this before. Just. UGH.

3. Clollie?

The ONLY scene I liked. Absolutely hilarious.

"Wait. You're getting married? But Clark can't have sex."

"He's making an honest woman out of me because
I'm having your love child."

"Wait--WHAT?!"

4. Tellie?
It's like a mini soap opera, full of good shirtless action! I love their history, I love their banter. I love LOVE LOVE them.

5. What Happened to Plot?

Not that I don't love my soapy shippy goodness. But Smallville actually used to have plots. Adventures. Mysteries. I miss those days. I know most people probably watch this show for Justin Hartley's shirtless moments, but it never hurts to have a great FotW that isn't just a psycho with some electrical tape and pliers.

Recap: Smallville 8x04 "Instinct"

Summary:

Tess and Awkward Scientist are trying to find out the origins of the crystal. They proceed, instead, to blow the fricking lid off the Luthor Mansion.They also proceed to send a beacon into space, drawing Maxima the Space Slut to Earth.

Seriously. Luthorcorp spends 80% of its budget rebuilding the mansion.

Maxima wants to mate with Clark and comes to look for him. Instead, she just makes out with a creepy guy who can't handle her kisses and dies.

At This Old Farm, Shelby finally makes an appearance. Clark, however, is not as happy as the audience about Shelby (possibly because Shelby is NOT the same dog as before; she's much fluffier). He's too busy thinking about--what else?--Lana. He apparently keeps her old necklace in the kitchen. I'm telling you, Clark is going from pathetic to psycho in two episodes flat. Lois calls, telling him he's late. Clark superspeeds in.

Despite the new actor, Shelby is still adorably pet-able.

Lois is bitching about how Jimmy is moving in to save money for the wedding. Probably because Chloe's dad, Gabe, is totally MIA and isn't helping them pay for it. Also, she's rather fed up with Clark's Lana talk, which leads her to try to be a Gilmore Girl and mash too many pop culture allusions and metaphors into "Nascar mullets eat thirty one flavors while singing the Lana blues, so get into the saddle, Buckaroo." Or something like that.

Lois gives him a story lead on the guy Maxima just macked to death. Apparently, he was in endorphin overload. Clark interprets this as when someone is playing sports. Lois scoffs and makes a really awkward allusion to sex (repetitive motion, builds to a climax...all while chewing on a pencil). Lois, honey? Clark played football for a year. He's had sex twice. His frame of reference is definitely NOT the same as yours.

Jimmy is moving on up! Into the Talon in the sky! Jimmy likes ABBA. Jimmy finds a letter in Chloe's bookcase and reads it. It's the "Fever" letter!

(A brief side-note: I do read spoilers. I love reading spoilers. But the week this aired I was so out of it that I completely forgot that this week was the "Fever" letter episode. Let's just say I got the full shock value of it and shock quickly morphed into disgust.)

Chloe awkwardly tries to explain how it's not significant anymore (nice try, PS3), but Jimmy's insecurities are really grating on us almost more than the the complete sacrilege of the spat-upon "Fever" letter. So Jimmy does what every reasonable person would do, and goes to a bar to hook up with a hot intergalactic space goddess.

Maxima hits on Jimmy and, Jimmy being Jimmy, is totally into talking up pretty girls while his girlfriend spends her time trying to save the world. Maxima initiates a kiss, which Jimmy at least has the decency to break-off millimeters before their lips touch, but Maxima will have none of it and sticks her tongue down his throat.

Jimmy quickly starts dying. Maxima's pissed. Clark enters and super-speeds to save Jimmy and bring him to the hospital. Maxima sees Clark and knows that she's finally found a man to sex up without building up a body count.

Clark and Jimmy talk about how Jimmy TOTALLY CHEATED ON CHLOE. Clark is far too "meh" about it, especially since he gave Chloe hell two years ago about not telling him that Lana was pregnant with Lex's lovechild. Jimmy angsts about the "Fever" letter. Chloe comes to the hospital and gives Jimmy a hug.

Sex Siren from Space finds Clark at the Daily Planet and throws herself at him. Clark, who can't resist a woman's lips (really--has anyone ever noticed that he's never been able to stop a woman from kissing him, when CLEARLY he has the ability to say no/stop them?), finds himself making out in the elevator with Maxima.The elevator opens and Lois sees them making out. For some reason, Clark feels the need to explain this tongue action to Lois. Oh right. It's because he's in love with her and doesn't watch the Lana tape on repeat while fondling her kryptonite necklace.

Effing HOT. Pin me up against an elevator wall, Clark!
(Also, very reminiscent of the Chlark elevator scene.)

Maxima is pissed and decides to beat the crap out of Lois because of the Clois "connection." Clark saves Lois and sends Maxima deep into outer space, rejecting her offer of hot supersex. Besides, he's at the point where he doesn't even remember what it's like so he rationalizes that it can't be that good anyway.

Clark finally goes to tell Chloe that Jimmy was drooling into another woman's mouth. Chloe says that she figured it out from his endorphin levels. Clark asks about the letter. Chloe treats it like it meant nothing (even though even CLARK can tell it meant something, and that boy has the deduction skills of Mr. Magoo).

"Is this letter secretly mocking me because I can't fly?"

Clark acts like this is the first time he's ever heard of Chloe having feelings for him (because he wasn't present during "Devoted" or "Vessel," don't you know). Chloe shrugs it off and says that she's with the (gag) perfect person now and asks Clark to give her away at her wedding. Because, as we all know, Chloe doesn't, like, HAVE A FATHER NAMED GABE SULLIVAN who could do that. (Seriously, Smallville. At least explain your plotholes. "Give me away because my dad died a horrible painful death two seasons ago and that's why I've been Pod!Chloe.")

Clark and Lois then have the old time-y loft scene. Clark angsts about how he'll never meet his soulmate because he's been Lana pussy-whipped. Lois reassures him that he will, all while giving him gooey tear eyes.

Immediately after, I scream and vomit repeatedly due to the supersuck of this episode.

1. The "Fever" Letter.

*Okay. Breathe in. Breathe out. Think rational thoughts*

It is not exaggerating to say that the "Fever" letter is holy in the canon of Chlark. It is rife with the Superman imagery that the Smallville writers love while being passionate and heart-felt and honest without being gimmicky. It's the only piece of corny romantic dialogue that TPTB have ever made work, thanks mostly to Allison Mack's beautiful performance. And the writers just crapped on it.

If we are Facebook friends, you'll notice that of all the TV shows that I love and all the quotes from said TV shows, only the "Fever" letter graces my quotes section:

"My dad told me that there are two types of girls: the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter."
-Chloe Sullivan, Smallville

So really, she's neither type of girl. She's the girl that Jimmy Olsen (that stalwart exemplar of taste--trust me, I'll get to Jimmy next) takes because Kara was boring as a bowl of Corn Flakes and Lois won't show him her boobs.

PS3 took the letter and made it pimp CLOIS and CHIMMY. Basically, they turn LOIS into the girl that Clark will grow into and JIMMY into the guy Chloe grows into. I can't even begin to say how wrong this all is. I feel like it's such a slap in the face to disregard this letter and treat it as nothing. Chloe's feelings for Clark very actively defined five seasons of the show.

Do you move on from your first huge unrequited crush? Sure. With the right distance, yeah. But with the way Chloe and Clark rely on each other? There's no way that Chloe would feel nothing for him and vice versa. Chloe's line of "I'm not the only person in the world who needs your help" and Clark's angst, reluctant expression following it? Harkens right back to "Arrival" in a good way.

I think bringing back the letter also shows how far the show has come in a bad way. In season two, the characters were consistent and pure in their motivations and they all held such promise for the future. I mean, that letter promised us that Clark would at least FLY. But now, all we get are muddled characters that are used as plot devices and a Clark that is still stuck on the ground-level. I can't even recall what events led us here (probably because they all happened in OffScreenville where Clark got a college degree and has been writing small journalism pieces in the Ledger for the past two years).

I've been so upset about the mistreatment of the letter for so long that now I'm just numb. I can't think about it anymore.

2. Jimmy is the New Dan Humphrey.

"How dare you like other boys! It's not like I have eye-sex
with every hot girl that...no wait, I do."

"Not only do I have eye-sex, I totally make-out with other chicks too!"

To steal from a previous entry: Jimmy does the douche.

Seriously. Chloe had a crush on her best friend SIX YEARS AGO and to punish her you're going to make out with an Intergalatic Sex Goddess? Ladies and gentleman, this is Chloe Sullivan's Perfect Guy.

Let me get one thing clear first. Very rarely do I blame actors for characterization. Especially on Smallville. You have to be an incredible actor to pull off some of the crap the writers on this show spew without looking like a complete idiot or a tool (Rosenbaum, Mack). So I don't blame Aaron Ashmore. He's trying super-hard, but you can't make this Jimmy likable. This Jimmy, who will throw his girlfriend under the bus because he wants to be a super spy. This Jimmy, who acts like a jealous moron half the time. This Jimmy, whose eyes are planted on any exposed cleavage in visual range.

Chloe deserves better, Writers of Smallville. Stop trying to convince us that she should be happy with such an unparalleled loser.

3. Lois is on Crack.

"Get it? I'm talking about sex with a phallic object in my mouth?
Yeah. It's a reference to a blow job. What up. Sexual innuendo five!"

I'm sorry. Did no one else watch "Toxic"? You know. That episode that aired, uh, LAST WEEK, where Lois admitted how much she still cared about Oliver? Yeah. That one.

But, of course, the writers (who have no sense of continuity or how to map an arc for an entire season) ignore that emotional moment that nearly made me cry for the Lollie goodness because it's so much better to have Clark and Lois have sudden, inexplicable chemistry! It's Canon! It's Iconic! It's Out of Character!

I have admitted before that I love the stupid Superman references. I really, really do. Back in the first season when Clark pointed to a suit of armor with an "S" on it and looked at it like it was designed by Blayne Walsh? That's FUNNY.

What's NOT funny? Or even entertaining? Is how hard they're pushing Clois. They're not even pushing Clois, really; they're pushing the idea of Clois. The future of Clois. They're waving Carrots of Clois in front of the audience, trying to entice them into loving what isn't currently in their grasp but is in their future. There has been NO build. I mean, sure we've gotten one or two angsty glances. But that is NOTHING compared to how creepy!Clark stalked Lana.

I am a big fan of going where your chemistry is and not where you planned to go before the characters were even developed. Hence my shipping of Brooke/Lucas and Harry/Hermione. I realize that there's little you can do when characters are "Meant to Be," but don't you owe a service to the glory that is Lois and Clark by doing it convincingly?

I wonder if they have just stopped trying to make things believable.Even more than that, I wonder it they just don't care about their characters anymore. Pod!Chloe. Jealous!Jimmy. Underqualified!Clark. And now, Boobilicious, Smack-Talking, Strangely-Emotional Lois.

Whoa. Lois. Someone needs some Valium.

What I love about Lois Lane (and what I've loved about her ever since my Lois and Clark days) is that she is smart and witty and full of integrity. She makes the occasional snide remark to Clark, but it's always obvious that she respects him deeply. The Lois Lane that I love is not the Lois Lane on Smallville. And before this season, that was okay. I even dealt with GroisGate with a grain of salt. But this season has made me completely hate her. She's either so bitchy/whiny that I want to throw my remote control at her head (but don't because we just got HD and my sisters would kill me if I had to explain what happened to the TV) or so emotional that I would rather watch Bambi's mother die than deal with her crocodile tears.

See? I'm sad. Which means I'm in love with you. SEE?!?!?!

I know Smallville has a really hard time writing strong female characters. But someone needs to tell them that there is a difference between chemistry!teasing and enemy!bickering, because they sooo don't get how badly Clois is coming across due to Lois' bitchery.

4. Tess = Love.

So, the first time Ollie sent a girl a dress? Flirty and sexy.
The second time? The gay vibes are starting.

I was so anxious about bringing Tess into the mix before this season started. No one could replace the delicious Michael Rosenbaum, right? They'd just hire some hottie with no acting ability and call it a day.

But Cassidy Freeman has completely won me over. I don't know if it's just because everyone else on the show is so lackluster and OOC now, but she is a breath of fresh air. She has a wonderful presence on camera and really sells Tess. Not to mention she has the only storyline worth watching: find Lex. Get his bald head of sexiness back here ASAP. I'd rather watch the adventures of Tess Mercer and The Scientists as they search for Lex for an hour than have Chimmy shoved down my eye sockets.

Not to mention, she and Allison have THE BEST bitch-offs.

"I know everything about you. You used to be a highly motivated
reporter who actually posed a threat to Luthorcorp. Now you're a
push-over doormat with a slutty fiance."

"And you're a poor little Marine Biologist with a fetish for
billionaires. By the way, the smoky eye is out for good, bitch.
Get over it."

Also, how funny is it that she has already dealt with the Luthor mansion's made-of-lamesauce security?

At least you haven't been shot yet, Mercy.

5. Hook-Up!

I absolutely loved when Clark lifted her and twirled her
against the wall. Gentlemanly AND sexy.

How awesome/awkward would it be to be hired to make-out with guys for an entire episode? I mean, that's what Maxima did for half the episode. I wonder if she had to have a kissing screen test to get the part.

Recap: Smallville 8x03 "Toxic"

Summary:

Clark and Chloe are at a party. Chloe is wearing one of those maxi-dresses that I hate, but she still looks cute. Chloe is obviously jealous of Lois and Clark working together. Oliver comes in with some Hottie McWhore and collapses. Oh Nos! Poison!

Chloe calls Davis because Oliver doesn't want to be taken to a hospital. You would think that in his final breath he would say, "Leech me!" (as shown later in the episode) but whatever. Let's go for the angst.

Oliver relives his island days. Oliver eats bugs! After, you know, becoming friends with the them. He tries to get a wild pig by running at it. Then we have a triumphant arrow-making sequence. He has even made rudimentary clothing that is very reminiscent of his current uniform. Training sequence. He dramatically can shoot blindfolded.

You must be swift as a coursing river!
With all the strength of a great typhoon!

With all the strength of a raging fire!
Mysterious as the dark side of the mooooooon!

Success!

Oliver gets poisoned. He wakes up covered in leeches and Tess Mercer. Apparently, she was a marine biologist and the leeches will suck out the poison; if he went to a hospital, they would treat him with adrenaline and kill him. I have such a hard time buying that (all of that, marine biology included), but whatever. Cassidy Freeman is fabulous.

The leech enzymes? Actually an aphrodisiac.

Ollie and Tess flirt. The captors come in and kill Tess's best friend. Oliver prevents them from killing Tess. Later on, Tess thinks Oliver is seducing her. In reality, he's stealing her hairtie to make a makeshift arrow. They escape!

While Ollie is relieving all of this in a sweaty haze, Lois is having more chemistry with his unconscious body than she ever has with Clark, lamenting her break-up with Ollie. Clark goes to Tess to get the cure. We find out that the one who poisoned Ollie was their captor from the Island. Tess promptly begins to kick his ass before Clark helps her out when the going gets tough. Luckily, Tess totally gets to kill the guy before the episode is out. That bitch ownz!

We also find out that Lionel, more likely than not, killed the Queens. Well, duh. But Ollie angsts over it all the same.

Davis proves to be a creepy stalker type, rummaging around Isis. I guess it goes with psycho murderer. Chloe proceeds to tell Davis more secrets for no apparent reason. Davis tells her that he has a part of him that he's holding beneath the surface. I can't tell if it comes off as creepy or seductive.

1. Lollie!

"Look at us, the noble couple. I let you go and in return,
you were supposed to save the world. But this, Ollie.
This isn't saving the world, is it? This is you backing out
on your end of the deal. You know, maybe we had
it wrong...The truth is, sometimes I wonder if I
should have ever let you go."

Lois and Ollie have ridiculous, amazing, wonderful chemistry. I'm tempted to say they have the most chemistry out of any canon couple in Smallville. There's such passion and love and heartache that it's hard not to ship them. Lois' speech to Oliver was so moving that I was actually pissed at Clark for ruining it. A side note to the writers: if your "Iconic" couple has less chemistry than a couple where one of them is unconscious, it's a bad sign. It's an even worse sign if the audience wants to watch more of said scene and not your "Iconic" couple.

Also, why ruin the wonderfulness of Lollie by slapping it with Superman metaphors? Calling him the "Man of Tomorrow" and talking about how all she does is write about him? I was so upset that they basically threw out Lollie with this episode. Lois is admitting huge, consuming feelings for Ollie and, what? They mean nothing? Why didn't we get a Lois/Oliver-is-Awake scene? Even an angsty one reaffirming their break-up would have been better than her waxing poetic about kittens.

My final comment has more to do with practicality than shipping:

"Lois, breathe for me"? Uh, how does Davis know if she's qualified in CPR? Also, aren't the breaths being fazed out? Whatever. They probably just wanted to get in a Lollie "kiss" Mulder/Scully style and avoid a Oliver/Davis lip-lock at the same time.

2. Chlark!

"I guess I just always thought that I would be the one circling your typos."

It's really evident that Chloe misses spending time with Clark and, also, spending time on the newspaper. She's also super-jealous of how much time Lois and Clark spend together.

And Clark is so concerned about Chloe-iac. Well, we're all concerned about her.

"Chloe, you're too smart."

"Clark, when you're a Big Dumb Alien, a toaster strudel is smart."

Although, Clark admitting he's watched his "Goodbye Lana" tape more than once? Reeks of pathetic.

3. Tess "Mercy" Mercer.

Don't mess with the best cause the best don't mess.

Can I just say once again how much I LOVE Tess? She's sardonic and dry and confident and ruthless...just wonderful. And this episode really focused on showing what Tess was compared to what she became. She and Justin Hartley have amazing chemistry, and although I love my Lollie, I wouldn't mind seeing these two pursuing some alone time, angst included.

Tellie Tension.

Also, how FAB is her license plate?

And finally,

How cute is it that Clark calls her "Miss Mercer"? It's like she's his teacher.

4. Shirtless Oliver!


5. Lois' Hangover Cure.

It's pickles.

Recap: Gossip Girl 2x06 "New Haven Can Wait"

Summary:

Blair wakes from a dream where her Audrey Hepburn is out-classed by Serena in My Fair Lady. Upon waking, she tries to push her insecurities aside and keep herself happy with her upcoming visit to her father's alma mater, Yale. Serena is planning to visit Brown, despite getting a handwritten letter to visit Yale because (as she shows in her limited humanity in this episode) it's Blair's school. Also, Serena is dumb as Helen Keller pre-The Miracle Worker. (Get it? Because she couldn't talk?...oh, whatever, I thought it was hilarious.)

Blair points out to Serena that she's as dumb as the aforementioned Keller and Serena decides that the best thing to do is to go to Yale to screw over Blair. Right. Really mature, Serena.

Why, yes, I AM planning to major in New Bitch-ish Literature!
How did you know?

Serena gets all personable with the Dean and gets invited to his special gathering, which Blair is not invited to. Blair, being Blair, connives her way into the soirée, where each prospective Yale student must fill out a person they would most like to meet. Serena, livid at Blair for crashing the party, steals her person. Blair, being Blair, switches the entry to the name of the man Serena "killed" last season. This leads to a bitch-fight outside, which Serena totally starts by pushing Blair. After their fight, they decide not to be friends anymore.

Finally, Serena and Blair come to terms with their rivalry (that lasted all of two episodes), decide to be BFFs again, and decide that going to Yale together would be, jeepers, so cool and Gilmore Girls-esque. The Dean calls Serena, offering her admission, despite, you know, supposedly killing a man. However, he says Blair will find out in the spring. (Which makes NO sense, since Yale is her first choice and there's no way Blair didn't Early Decision that application.)

MEANWHILE, the boys are also visiting Yale. Chuck convinces Nate to visit Yale with him because he wants to join the Skull and Bones. Nate is a begrudging participant since his dad's illegal money matters ruined many a trust fund there.

Dan needs a letter of recommendations, so the Dean mandates that he get one from a professor. At Yale. By the end of his visit. I mean, maybe this is why I don't go to an Ivy League school, but seriously? You won't just take a recommendation from his high school English teacher, someone who has actually talked to him and seen repeated examples of his work? Seriously?

Nate lands himself a college girl (well, he does like his older women), but says his name is Dan Humphrey so that he doesn't get in trouble with the guys that are pissed off at his dad. It turns out that Dan needs help from said college girl to secure a prof rec and he totally cock-blocks Nate, ruining his cover.

I'm sorry, I'm not interested unless you're underage.

Chuck gets kidnapped by the Skull and Bones and must prove his awesomeness. He provides women. Women who do their work best in threes. Kinky threes. The men enjoy the women, but also need a show of loyalty from Chuck: he will deliver them Nate for them to pummel. Chuck, still fuming from last week, gives them Dan instead, who they tie up. Nate and College Girl help Dan down.

Shirtless, immobile Dan? The best kind.

Nate is furious that Chuck did that to Dan. I guess Nate and Dan are suddenly friends after no previous interaction? I mean, why the hell not? Chuck, on the other hand, now has blackmail photos of all the guys in Skull and Bones in kinky positions with his ladies.

CONCURRENTLY, Jenny convinces Rufus to let her work and be home schooled (Home schooled by whom is a good question, but it is never brought up. I love Rufus, but I doubt Rufus is the calculus sort.). She totally seals the deal by having Rufus all loosened up by Lilly Van der Woodsen. And my coupling of the "old" people on the CW continues.

1. Serena v. Blair

We all have our perfect person that we secretly always compare ourselves to. Our Natasha, to borrow from Sex and the City. My high school Natasha kicked my ass at speech team, goes to Princeton, and dated the sweetest guy ever. She is also ridiculously pretty and personable. A monster hit on all counts. Blair has Serena, who is effortlessly charming and affable, despite her dull wit and naïveté.

But Serena proved in this episode to be quite a hard pill to swallow. There are three types of bitches. Two are lovable (well, ish), and the third is draining and obnoxious:

1. The Bitch who Knows It and Owns It.
2. The Bitch who Is Hiding Her Insecurity.
3. The Bitch who Thinks She's the Nicest Girl Since Pollyanna.

Blair falls into the first two categories; Serena squarely into the third. The third category is also inhabited by Cady from Mean Girls. No one hates Regina in Mean Girls. She's a #1 Bitch and she's living the life. Cady, however, still seems to think that she's the sweetest thing despite her bitchery, which just makes you want to bitch-slap some self-awareness into her. Same goes for Serena.

Serena still thinks that she's just letting her inner sparkle shine. Whatever. What she's really doing is taking over the role of massive tool from Dan the Douche for a couple of episodes.

Blair's journey in this episode really hit home for me. As a high-achieving, perpetually self-doubting angst monkey, I take a lot of things very seriously. College admissions is one of them. Now, I lucked out in the grand scheme of things when it came to applying to colleges: there was very little overlap between the schools my friends and I applied to, and if we applied to the same one, the result tended to be the same. Very little drama. But interfering with college admissions is a HUGE no-no for me. I mean, it's a primary reason why I don't like Gabriella from High School Musical. And Serena messing with Yale? Inexcusable.

Did Blair go too far by putting Serena's "murder victim" into the Dean's hands? Yes. But Blair gets stupid when she gets desperate. And Serena made her take that step.

Isn't it what you always fear? That your stupid best friend, just because she's prettier than you, will end up with everything you ever wanted? (See: Smallville and Chloe.)

Maybe I'm too decidedly Team Blair.

Nah.

2. The Fight.

LAME. Seriously, man. I wanted a full-on fight (see: Brooke and Peyton in OTH), not a glimpse of a fight and then a cutway and the next time we see them, they're adjusting their clothes. For all I know, they had sex and that's why they stopped fighting.

But it definitely featured the best lines from the episode:

"I really hate that stupid headband!"

"Ow! My headband!"

3. Poor Little Rich Boy.

Jeez, his man bangs look AWESOME in this cap.

Oh, Nate. How your angst makes me want to give you a hug. But seriously. I know you're a horny teenage boy, but considering you just got out of a two-episode love triangle, moving in on a college girl (while age-wise, in between your two former lovers), is kind of skanky.

Also, who else wanted to hear the words, "I'm Chuck Bass" slip from Nate's lips when asked his name? Why would you want to be Dan Humphrey when you can be Chuck Bass?

4. Rufus/Lilly!

HOT DAMN, Lilly.

How I love them. That is all.

5. THE MOTHERCHUCKER IN ACTION

Chuck is such a BAMF. The final twist in the end was PHENOM and pure Chuck. Really, when Chuck does things like this, you are reminded how perfect he is for Blair because, together, they'd rule the world.

But Chuck has also been having major angst issues of late. Like Blair, he's lost a lot. He's never had his dad, he's lost Blair, and now he's lost Nate. But just like Blair, when the world is taken from him, he gets ruthless. And that's when he's the most interesting to watch.

Next Week: Gossip Girl meets Cruel Intentions. Blair will have sex with Chuck if he seduces Vanessa. I have no idea how this works with the plot or how this isn't a blatant rip-off of CI, but I'm super-excited.