Recap: Smallville 8x04 "Instinct"

Summary:

Tess and Awkward Scientist are trying to find out the origins of the crystal. They proceed, instead, to blow the fricking lid off the Luthor Mansion.They also proceed to send a beacon into space, drawing Maxima the Space Slut to Earth.

Seriously. Luthorcorp spends 80% of its budget rebuilding the mansion.

Maxima wants to mate with Clark and comes to look for him. Instead, she just makes out with a creepy guy who can't handle her kisses and dies.

At This Old Farm, Shelby finally makes an appearance. Clark, however, is not as happy as the audience about Shelby (possibly because Shelby is NOT the same dog as before; she's much fluffier). He's too busy thinking about--what else?--Lana. He apparently keeps her old necklace in the kitchen. I'm telling you, Clark is going from pathetic to psycho in two episodes flat. Lois calls, telling him he's late. Clark superspeeds in.

Despite the new actor, Shelby is still adorably pet-able.

Lois is bitching about how Jimmy is moving in to save money for the wedding. Probably because Chloe's dad, Gabe, is totally MIA and isn't helping them pay for it. Also, she's rather fed up with Clark's Lana talk, which leads her to try to be a Gilmore Girl and mash too many pop culture allusions and metaphors into "Nascar mullets eat thirty one flavors while singing the Lana blues, so get into the saddle, Buckaroo." Or something like that.

Lois gives him a story lead on the guy Maxima just macked to death. Apparently, he was in endorphin overload. Clark interprets this as when someone is playing sports. Lois scoffs and makes a really awkward allusion to sex (repetitive motion, builds to a climax...all while chewing on a pencil). Lois, honey? Clark played football for a year. He's had sex twice. His frame of reference is definitely NOT the same as yours.

Jimmy is moving on up! Into the Talon in the sky! Jimmy likes ABBA. Jimmy finds a letter in Chloe's bookcase and reads it. It's the "Fever" letter!

(A brief side-note: I do read spoilers. I love reading spoilers. But the week this aired I was so out of it that I completely forgot that this week was the "Fever" letter episode. Let's just say I got the full shock value of it and shock quickly morphed into disgust.)

Chloe awkwardly tries to explain how it's not significant anymore (nice try, PS3), but Jimmy's insecurities are really grating on us almost more than the the complete sacrilege of the spat-upon "Fever" letter. So Jimmy does what every reasonable person would do, and goes to a bar to hook up with a hot intergalactic space goddess.

Maxima hits on Jimmy and, Jimmy being Jimmy, is totally into talking up pretty girls while his girlfriend spends her time trying to save the world. Maxima initiates a kiss, which Jimmy at least has the decency to break-off millimeters before their lips touch, but Maxima will have none of it and sticks her tongue down his throat.

Jimmy quickly starts dying. Maxima's pissed. Clark enters and super-speeds to save Jimmy and bring him to the hospital. Maxima sees Clark and knows that she's finally found a man to sex up without building up a body count.

Clark and Jimmy talk about how Jimmy TOTALLY CHEATED ON CHLOE. Clark is far too "meh" about it, especially since he gave Chloe hell two years ago about not telling him that Lana was pregnant with Lex's lovechild. Jimmy angsts about the "Fever" letter. Chloe comes to the hospital and gives Jimmy a hug.

Sex Siren from Space finds Clark at the Daily Planet and throws herself at him. Clark, who can't resist a woman's lips (really--has anyone ever noticed that he's never been able to stop a woman from kissing him, when CLEARLY he has the ability to say no/stop them?), finds himself making out in the elevator with Maxima.The elevator opens and Lois sees them making out. For some reason, Clark feels the need to explain this tongue action to Lois. Oh right. It's because he's in love with her and doesn't watch the Lana tape on repeat while fondling her kryptonite necklace.

Effing HOT. Pin me up against an elevator wall, Clark!
(Also, very reminiscent of the Chlark elevator scene.)

Maxima is pissed and decides to beat the crap out of Lois because of the Clois "connection." Clark saves Lois and sends Maxima deep into outer space, rejecting her offer of hot supersex. Besides, he's at the point where he doesn't even remember what it's like so he rationalizes that it can't be that good anyway.

Clark finally goes to tell Chloe that Jimmy was drooling into another woman's mouth. Chloe says that she figured it out from his endorphin levels. Clark asks about the letter. Chloe treats it like it meant nothing (even though even CLARK can tell it meant something, and that boy has the deduction skills of Mr. Magoo).

"Is this letter secretly mocking me because I can't fly?"

Clark acts like this is the first time he's ever heard of Chloe having feelings for him (because he wasn't present during "Devoted" or "Vessel," don't you know). Chloe shrugs it off and says that she's with the (gag) perfect person now and asks Clark to give her away at her wedding. Because, as we all know, Chloe doesn't, like, HAVE A FATHER NAMED GABE SULLIVAN who could do that. (Seriously, Smallville. At least explain your plotholes. "Give me away because my dad died a horrible painful death two seasons ago and that's why I've been Pod!Chloe.")

Clark and Lois then have the old time-y loft scene. Clark angsts about how he'll never meet his soulmate because he's been Lana pussy-whipped. Lois reassures him that he will, all while giving him gooey tear eyes.

Immediately after, I scream and vomit repeatedly due to the supersuck of this episode.

1. The "Fever" Letter.

*Okay. Breathe in. Breathe out. Think rational thoughts*

It is not exaggerating to say that the "Fever" letter is holy in the canon of Chlark. It is rife with the Superman imagery that the Smallville writers love while being passionate and heart-felt and honest without being gimmicky. It's the only piece of corny romantic dialogue that TPTB have ever made work, thanks mostly to Allison Mack's beautiful performance. And the writers just crapped on it.

If we are Facebook friends, you'll notice that of all the TV shows that I love and all the quotes from said TV shows, only the "Fever" letter graces my quotes section:

"My dad told me that there are two types of girls: the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter."
-Chloe Sullivan, Smallville

So really, she's neither type of girl. She's the girl that Jimmy Olsen (that stalwart exemplar of taste--trust me, I'll get to Jimmy next) takes because Kara was boring as a bowl of Corn Flakes and Lois won't show him her boobs.

PS3 took the letter and made it pimp CLOIS and CHIMMY. Basically, they turn LOIS into the girl that Clark will grow into and JIMMY into the guy Chloe grows into. I can't even begin to say how wrong this all is. I feel like it's such a slap in the face to disregard this letter and treat it as nothing. Chloe's feelings for Clark very actively defined five seasons of the show.

Do you move on from your first huge unrequited crush? Sure. With the right distance, yeah. But with the way Chloe and Clark rely on each other? There's no way that Chloe would feel nothing for him and vice versa. Chloe's line of "I'm not the only person in the world who needs your help" and Clark's angst, reluctant expression following it? Harkens right back to "Arrival" in a good way.

I think bringing back the letter also shows how far the show has come in a bad way. In season two, the characters were consistent and pure in their motivations and they all held such promise for the future. I mean, that letter promised us that Clark would at least FLY. But now, all we get are muddled characters that are used as plot devices and a Clark that is still stuck on the ground-level. I can't even recall what events led us here (probably because they all happened in OffScreenville where Clark got a college degree and has been writing small journalism pieces in the Ledger for the past two years).

I've been so upset about the mistreatment of the letter for so long that now I'm just numb. I can't think about it anymore.

2. Jimmy is the New Dan Humphrey.

"How dare you like other boys! It's not like I have eye-sex
with every hot girl that...no wait, I do."

"Not only do I have eye-sex, I totally make-out with other chicks too!"

To steal from a previous entry: Jimmy does the douche.

Seriously. Chloe had a crush on her best friend SIX YEARS AGO and to punish her you're going to make out with an Intergalatic Sex Goddess? Ladies and gentleman, this is Chloe Sullivan's Perfect Guy.

Let me get one thing clear first. Very rarely do I blame actors for characterization. Especially on Smallville. You have to be an incredible actor to pull off some of the crap the writers on this show spew without looking like a complete idiot or a tool (Rosenbaum, Mack). So I don't blame Aaron Ashmore. He's trying super-hard, but you can't make this Jimmy likable. This Jimmy, who will throw his girlfriend under the bus because he wants to be a super spy. This Jimmy, who acts like a jealous moron half the time. This Jimmy, whose eyes are planted on any exposed cleavage in visual range.

Chloe deserves better, Writers of Smallville. Stop trying to convince us that she should be happy with such an unparalleled loser.

3. Lois is on Crack.

"Get it? I'm talking about sex with a phallic object in my mouth?
Yeah. It's a reference to a blow job. What up. Sexual innuendo five!"

I'm sorry. Did no one else watch "Toxic"? You know. That episode that aired, uh, LAST WEEK, where Lois admitted how much she still cared about Oliver? Yeah. That one.

But, of course, the writers (who have no sense of continuity or how to map an arc for an entire season) ignore that emotional moment that nearly made me cry for the Lollie goodness because it's so much better to have Clark and Lois have sudden, inexplicable chemistry! It's Canon! It's Iconic! It's Out of Character!

I have admitted before that I love the stupid Superman references. I really, really do. Back in the first season when Clark pointed to a suit of armor with an "S" on it and looked at it like it was designed by Blayne Walsh? That's FUNNY.

What's NOT funny? Or even entertaining? Is how hard they're pushing Clois. They're not even pushing Clois, really; they're pushing the idea of Clois. The future of Clois. They're waving Carrots of Clois in front of the audience, trying to entice them into loving what isn't currently in their grasp but is in their future. There has been NO build. I mean, sure we've gotten one or two angsty glances. But that is NOTHING compared to how creepy!Clark stalked Lana.

I am a big fan of going where your chemistry is and not where you planned to go before the characters were even developed. Hence my shipping of Brooke/Lucas and Harry/Hermione. I realize that there's little you can do when characters are "Meant to Be," but don't you owe a service to the glory that is Lois and Clark by doing it convincingly?

I wonder if they have just stopped trying to make things believable.Even more than that, I wonder it they just don't care about their characters anymore. Pod!Chloe. Jealous!Jimmy. Underqualified!Clark. And now, Boobilicious, Smack-Talking, Strangely-Emotional Lois.

Whoa. Lois. Someone needs some Valium.

What I love about Lois Lane (and what I've loved about her ever since my Lois and Clark days) is that she is smart and witty and full of integrity. She makes the occasional snide remark to Clark, but it's always obvious that she respects him deeply. The Lois Lane that I love is not the Lois Lane on Smallville. And before this season, that was okay. I even dealt with GroisGate with a grain of salt. But this season has made me completely hate her. She's either so bitchy/whiny that I want to throw my remote control at her head (but don't because we just got HD and my sisters would kill me if I had to explain what happened to the TV) or so emotional that I would rather watch Bambi's mother die than deal with her crocodile tears.

See? I'm sad. Which means I'm in love with you. SEE?!?!?!

I know Smallville has a really hard time writing strong female characters. But someone needs to tell them that there is a difference between chemistry!teasing and enemy!bickering, because they sooo don't get how badly Clois is coming across due to Lois' bitchery.

4. Tess = Love.

So, the first time Ollie sent a girl a dress? Flirty and sexy.
The second time? The gay vibes are starting.

I was so anxious about bringing Tess into the mix before this season started. No one could replace the delicious Michael Rosenbaum, right? They'd just hire some hottie with no acting ability and call it a day.

But Cassidy Freeman has completely won me over. I don't know if it's just because everyone else on the show is so lackluster and OOC now, but she is a breath of fresh air. She has a wonderful presence on camera and really sells Tess. Not to mention she has the only storyline worth watching: find Lex. Get his bald head of sexiness back here ASAP. I'd rather watch the adventures of Tess Mercer and The Scientists as they search for Lex for an hour than have Chimmy shoved down my eye sockets.

Not to mention, she and Allison have THE BEST bitch-offs.

"I know everything about you. You used to be a highly motivated
reporter who actually posed a threat to Luthorcorp. Now you're a
push-over doormat with a slutty fiance."

"And you're a poor little Marine Biologist with a fetish for
billionaires. By the way, the smoky eye is out for good, bitch.
Get over it."

Also, how funny is it that she has already dealt with the Luthor mansion's made-of-lamesauce security?

At least you haven't been shot yet, Mercy.

5. Hook-Up!

I absolutely loved when Clark lifted her and twirled her
against the wall. Gentlemanly AND sexy.

How awesome/awkward would it be to be hired to make-out with guys for an entire episode? I mean, that's what Maxima did for half the episode. I wonder if she had to have a kissing screen test to get the part.