Smallville "Doomsday" Play-by-Play: TiVO Style

So since there was a huge wait on the TV Room today due to an inordinate amount of finales (Bones, Grey's Anatomy, 30 Rock, The Office), I had to wait until four hours later to start watching the season finale of Smallville. I have managed to avoid all discussion of what has happened, so I am full of anxiety and dread and have NO IDEA what's going to happen. Watch as my faith in the show is either restored or smashed to pieces! It's going to be a trainwreck, people! TRAINWRECK.

Deep breath, people. Deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath.

10:55 Preview! Remember all that crap that happened to Chloe? IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Apparently Lois had a storyline? Nice try, preview. I care far more about Tess' awesome curly hair and her glowing disco ball of evil!

10:57 Flying? Who is flying? Rokk! Rokk may be a dipshit, but he's superhot. Also, they arranged a meeting? Really? It's time travel, people. What, did Rokk call him from his inter-time-space Verizon phone? Also, Rokk, you just realized that traveling to the past changes time? Dumbass.

10:59 You'ze gonna die, Clark!

11:00 Why so cute Davis and Chloe? Also, LOVE Greek mythology! Davis, I want to marry you!

11:01 Tess, you're so fucking fierce. Oh noes! No more disco ball! Don't mess with Tess, JLA. She'll wreck your shit.

11:02 Nice ring box, Clark. There's room for a matching bracelet in there.

11:03 Lois is aware of a plot point? What?! Also, SAD letter to the world! Oh, Clark! I feel for you for the first time, like, all season!

11:04 Really, Lois? You didn't notice that Clark left and you suddenly got a phone call? Dumbass. And Clark, stop saying things that make us think you're stalking Lois.

11:05 I'm glad Lois cares about Chloe. I did always love ChloLo. Lois, especially when she cares about Chloe, shows herself to be a legitimate person.

11:06 I feel like this scene is getting a litle too melodramatic for the beginning of the episode. We have too much angst left, people! Pace it!

11:07 A meeting at a phone booth? *headpalm* Too much like the failed coffee date that didn't happen. Does this mean they won't meet? PLEASE?

11:08 Does Hitched or Ditched seem like the best worst show idea EVER to anyone else? LOVE the CW.

11:08 BART!!!! Oh, and Dinah. But BART!!!

11:09 Clark, stop playing your cards too soon! See, because then Oliver comes in and screws with your plans.

11:10 YES! Clark! Verbally bitch slap Ollie!

11:11 Bart: "You guys have some, uh, serious [sexual] tension going on here." LexisOliverPlz?

11:12 Clark, I don't know if you can kick Oliver out of the League. I mena, he's the founder. And is the one with the money. And I'm pretty sure Dinah is screwing him on the side.

11:13 Jimmy is being a superspy in a believable way! OMG! Jimmy/Lois! I love their scenes! SO FUNNY! Smash Lois under that table, Jimmy! Smash her to tiny, iconic bits!

11:14 Jimmy! Don't go alone!

11:15 Regan? Regan! I LOVE YOU! Almost more than Tess. Almost.

11:16 Stabbed in the back! Or, uh, Arrowed in the back! Is it bad that my unholy love of Bart makes this turning on Clark kinda totally okay?

11:17 "The bar has always been a little bit lower for you, hasn't it?" Tess, why so awesome? Put Lois in her place! Kick her ass!

11:18 Legion ring! Crap. Lois to the future.

11:19 I love how Bart is trying to be super-sensitive. He loves Chloe! (Like everyone should.)

11:20 I love when Davis is self-sacrificing. Just highlights how freaking awesome he is.

11:21 Black Kryptonite what up! I love how Chloe is helping fulfill Clark's plan. Even apart, they're on the same team.

11:22 Jimmy's figuring out Kryptonite. He's finding out the secret. He's totally dead. But I love how he is actually so smart. Like, he figured it out in "Identity" and he isn't willing to shove it under the rug. And he was the only one to put it all together, other than Doctor "I'm badass with mah car" Emil Hamilton.

11:23 Why are you killing off Jimmy?! He's so awesome as Clark's little BFF. Also, what gift? Explain, show!

11:24 I wanted tears, dammit! You're seeing Chloe for the first time in forever! TEARS!

11:25 Crap. Lois was totally in the path of Doomsday's destruction. Stupid Legion ring! She could have DIED! *sob*

11:26 Ew...mouth blood.

11:27 Was that...it? Seriously? THAT WAS YOUR FIGHT WITH DOOMSDAY? It lasted, like, three minutes!

11:28 No! Don't get Chimmy back together! I totally acknowledge that Jimmy is full of awesome now, but nooooooooooo! "Watch over you"? No, JIMMY! I know it's going to become Watchtower, but I *sobs* I can't believe how much I'm actually going to miss you! You're so not a douchebag! And you know how Chloe is awesome! So awesome!

11:29 NO! CHIMMY KISS?! WHY?!

11:30 NO! Davis! I like how Davis is like, "This was all for Clark?" Not, "Why the hell are you making out with your drug addict ex-husband?!"

11:31 Wow. Killing both Doomsday and Davis took, like, two seconds. COP OUT.

11:32 NO! JIMMY! God, I actually care! I actually care! You had so much potential! Stop making Chloe cry! She has NO ONE now! NO ONE!

11:33 Film negatives! God! WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! Dipshit writers!

11:34 Dinah exchanges a look with Ollie... (What? I can ship, even at a funeral.)

11:35 No! Jimmy has a little brother? And was that his alcoholic dad? He looks really put-together. And you just can't make his younger brother ICONIC Jimmy Olsen. I mean, what kind of dumbass parents would name both their kids James? ASSHATS. Otherwise, he'd have to CHANGE HIS NAME.

11:36 Love Chloe and Dinah friends.

11:37 Clark's alive? COP OUT. Ooh, love the exchange over the grave. Very Lexian over Lionel.

11:38 Chlark hug! Hug her until the pain goes away, Clark! HUG HER!

11:39 She has lost everyone! Clark, even you!

11:40 Chloe is sounding a little crazy. Also, the whole Jimmy thing totally means that Chloe could never leave Watchtower. Dammit.

11:41 Seriously, Clark? Get over yourself. "I'm human, blah blah blah, I suck." Shut up.

11:41 "Clark Kent" was your metaphorical death? BULLSHIT. Also, how the hell could you leave Chloe? You fucking Dipshit!

11:42 I also don't like the way Chloe's grabbing at her belly...

11:42 So much love for you, Tess, and your amazing robe.

11:43 ZOD! HELL YEAH! I would have liked some lingering SWbeard eye candy to go along with it, but whatever.

Initial Reaction Before I Smash Something and Then Study for My Midterm

• RIP Jimmy. Who would have ever thought that you would end up too good for this show?
• GOD I'M SO ANGRY.
• Also, wasn't it convenient that Lois disappeared instead of the writers actually having to try putting her into a relevant plotline?
• Seriously, Clark. You just acknowledged that Chloe has NO ONE. Absentee dad, insane mom, dead ex-husband, dead ex-serial killer love interest, missing cousin, and now her BFF decides to be a FUCKING DUMBASS and leave her ALL ALONE. DIP FREAKING SHIT.
• Davis?! Why so evil?!
• Tess, there is no way to explain how much I love you.
• BART!!!
• Lex in Ollie Suit! Make it happen!
  
• CHLOE!!! Why do the writers hate you so much?! WHY?!
• Already over Watchtower. How is that going to be any different than Isis, especially without the JLA?
  
• *SOB* JIMMY OLSEN!
• So, you were saving your budget for those three-second fights, eh? Reeeeeeeeeeeally impressive, TPTB.
  

I can't believe I have to STUDY after this. Why are my fandoms wonking out on me?!

Spoiler Snark: Smallville's Upcoming Deaths

Okay lovers. Let's talk Smallville. (I know, I know, we're usually talking Smallville so it isn't that much different than normal.)

From our BFF, Ausiello:

Multiple sources confirm to me exclusively that two pivotal characters will bite the dust in this May's season finale. And in a bit of a departure for Smallville, both deaths will stick. "These characters will die and they will stay dead," maintains my insider. "This is the real deal."

Of course, that's not to say producers aren't planning a twist or two, because they are. But I'm told those twists do not involve bringing either character back to life.

If you're looking for another clue, you're out of luck. I'm not even going to do one of those morbid charts where I assess each character's chances for survival. I wouldn't want to do anything beyond writing this spoilery story to ruin the surprises in store.

Eh, one more little tease won't hurt anyone: One character qualifies as a Smallville vet... the other one, not so much.

So we pretty much know the non-vet death is Doomsday. I don't see how killing off Tess would be beneficial to the storyline, especially because she's the only thing connecting us to the Luthor legacy at this point, however tenuous and frayed that thread is. And no matter how much I love Sam Witwer, I can't see prolonging Doomsday at this point because you can't have a "SMASHSMASHSMASH" villian for an entire season without it being confusing as to why they aren't "SMASHSMASHSMASH"-ing the whole time (see: Buffy and Glory). So the first death is definitely Doomsday. Will Sam come back as Zod as some people are hoping? Sure. I'd love that. But Doomsday is definitely going to die in the finale.

That takes us to the second death: a veteran on the show. Since it can't be Clark, it leaves us with Chloe Sullivan, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and Oliver Queen.

The only character that I'm positive will not die is Jimmy. Please. He's actually iconic and has a purpose on the show, even if that has been clouded by douche-baggery. I actually think Season 9 will be Jimmy's best season since 6, finally giving him a chance to just be an earnest photographer and not a haphazard love interest.

I'm hoping the death is Oliver. First and foremost, Justin Hartley is too good for this show. Secondly, if your set is a plane, obviously there are some issues including your plotlines. Thirdly, the Green Arrow actually does die (for an amount of time) in the comics, so it'd fit with the DC continuity the writers claim to sample from (however loosely in reality).

But, of course, in a fandom where there can only be one true love for Clark Kent and we have two women remaining, the key characters everyone is focusing on are Chloe and Lois. It's pretty much been decided that the season finale will decide for once and for all who Clark's soulmate is. Either Chloe dies and Lois is the last girl standing (as her ICONIC! name implies), or Lois dies and the executive producers actually had the balls to pull off Chlois and give Chloe her reward for seasons of crap.

There are arguments in favor of both. Lois has the name, the attitude, and the lightswitch!crushing on her side. Chloe has the spirit, friendship, and undying love on hers. I'm not going to discuss the ins and outs of each. Both have points and in the end, it comes down to if we can trust TPTB to do something extraordinary. Something unexpected. Something that will change the way people view Superman forever. (I mean, wasn't that the point of Smallville in the first place?)

I don't think we can trust them to do that. All we can trust them to do is shove ICONIC!CLOIS down our throats and crappy characterization down Chloe's. Which is what is scaring me so much. I know I get too invested in my television shows. But I don't know if I could recover from Chloe's death. I'm used to my ships not getting together, but when it's a forcible ripping apart (a la Sheppard and Weir), it's insanely upsetting. And with Smallville, I'm the most invested I've ever been. Chloe's death will devastate me or numb me completely or make me hate the whole show, which I've never really been able to do, even with the crappy writing. I feel like TPTB are stealing my ability to believe in earning what you get and that true love is being a support system, not cleavage and innuendo.

But maybe they're just releasing these spoilers to stir up a war in the fandom and in the end Oliver will die. Let's hope so.

Also, I'm going on Spring Break soon, so I'm bringing back Smallville recaps, starting with "Infamous" and working backwards. And may I say that "Infamous" didn't suck? In fact, it was actually enjoyable, if terribly paced.

Spoiler Snark: Smallville Renewed, Stargate Universe Cast

Make way for the ranting...

Smallville

Has been renewed for a ninth season. Why? This season has featured some of the WORST episodes in the entire run of the season. The arc has been weak. Not to mention, how can you have an enemy bigger than Doomsday?

Every character has been ruined this season. Chloe? She's a step beyond Pod!Chloe. She's Possessed!DoomsdayFeeding!Chloe. Lois? A desperate hot mess. Clark? Let's turn the dial from just plain whiny to ANGST!INCONSISTENCY. Oliver? Douche-y and extraneous. The only good characters are Dooms and Tess, and unless Tess unleashes her evil army of meteor freaks, I'm not going to like her that much either.

Please, TPTB, tell me how you plan to write next season. Tell me a smattering of what you have planned. Because after this season, it could only be more crap that serves to dishonor the mythos of Superman and the glory that was the early years of the show.

Stargate Universe

is now boasting a ridiculously large, ridiculously seasoned cast, including Robert Carlyle, Lou Diamond Phillips, Ming-Na, Alaina Huffman, Elyse Levesque, David Blue, Justin Louis, Brian J. Smith, and Jamil Walker Smith. Yes. That's NINE main cast members, although Mr. Phillips may just be recurring. Stargate has never had more than, what, six cast members? And even at that, it sucks. They cut the fat, replace characters, and never give enough development unless you're part of a ship or you're a break-out. I figure they're trying to go for a Lost-style "we have so many people on this ship that's in the middle of nowhere" feel, but Stargate isn't Lost. It doesn't have the same fondness for mythology or character development. I'm worried about even watching this show because I know that it will be a risk getting attached to any of them (I'm still not over the deaths of Janet, Beckett, and Elizabeth).

Also, I guess with Alaina cast, there goes the Green Arrow/Black Canary spin-off.

TV, why do you hate me?

Shippy Moment of the Day: "I Can't Lose You" (Smallville)

Chloe Fights to Save Her Memory of Clark
"Abyss" from Smallville Season 8

Recap: Chloe's memories are being erased by Brainiac. We just viewed the CUTEST scene, where Chloe remembers her first kiss with Clark. All of a sudden the lights change and items begin disappearing from her memory.

Tiny!Chloe's "Oh Shit!" Face.

Chloe: Oh, no. It's happening again.

Tiny!Handholding!

Chloe: I have to get you out of here and into another memory!

I like how hard they tried to make Chloe's hair like it was

it whatever episode it was supposed to be. Also, I still
have so much love for that jacket. Love the color. Superfab.

Chloe: Dark Thursday.

Clark: Chloe!

Chloe: Clark!

Unfortunately, Clark's wardrobe is exactly the same as it always is.

Clark: What's happening? All the streetlights are out.

Chloe: Come with me!

Chloe is freaking the hell out. There's so
much desperation. She needs Clark.

Chloe: I can't lose you, Clark.

He's so sincere. Obviously Memory!Clark thinks Chloe's on crack,
but he still cares so much about her that, craziness aside,
he comforts and reassures her with the one truth
that all Chlarkers know to be true:

Clark: Chloe, I'll never leave you.

Falling down a black hole in Chloe's memory = as close to flying as Clark will ever get.

Chloe: Clark!

AM!Chloe's "Oh Shit!" Face.

Thoughts:

For a season full of anti-Chlark moments (the crapping on the "Fever" letter, the atrocity that was "Commited"), "Abyss" just reiterates how incredibly, irreplacably important Clark is to Chloe. We see Chloe beginning to forget Jimmy in the opening of this episode and, while she's freaked, she doesn't even try to save his memory. With Clark, she's desperate. She needs to save him. She can't forget him.

It's not that she values him as a friend/possible romantic interest, which is heavily evident through this scene. I would argue that her memories of Clark are part of what defines who Chloe has become. Clark has strengthened her, encouraged her, and helped define her priorities. Her desire to find out his secret and her subsequent character arc with Lionel taught her what it means not just to be an upstanding journalist, but an upstanding person. Without Clark, she is reduced to a clingy, frantic mess. Admittedly, if you only remembered one person, you'd probably react in a similar manner. But the way Chloe holds onto Davis without thinking about any other options? Is completely different than how our intrepid reporter reacts. She's usually strong and stalwart when faced with a challenge but without her memories (and, I would argue, her memories of Clark in particular), she is no longer as independent and able.

Plus, we got lots of intermittent shots of the BEST. KISS. EVER.

Shippy Moment of the Day: Clark and Chloe's First Kiss (Smallville) - Part 2

Clark and Chloe's First Kiss (Part Two)
"Abyss" from Smallville Season 8

Recap: Brainiac is slowly taking over Chloe's body, stripping her of all of her memories. Jimmy (the dumbass) takes her to the hospital for an MRI.

Warning: I may overuse the word "cute" in this entry. But OMG! SOOOOO CUTE!

MRIs are scary, man.

Chloe: Got any advice for an MRI rookie?

Technician: It won't take long. Your best bet --just close your eyes and think of a place that makes you happy. All right.

Her happy place.

Her happy, sexual-tension-y place.

Her happy, sexual-tension-y, beautiful, wonderful, perfect place.

Tiny!Chloe! Tiny!Clark! I want to gobble them up! They're SOOO cute!

Chloe: Wow. Sweet setup, Clark. Spend your nights spying on any unsuspecting neighbors?

I love the call-back to Clark being a stalking creeper.

Clark: No, I like looking at the stars.

Chloe: I guess you truly are a gentleman farmer. Emerson and Thoreau have nothing on you. I spend way too much of my time reading.

Clark: Actually, I love reading. I don't have that much time to make a lot of friends. My dad keeps me pretty busy with chores.

Sad!Chloe can relate to not having friends. BTW, where's Pete?

Chloe: My mom left me when I was really young. After that I was afraid to make friends because I just thought they'd all end up leaving, too. So I buried my nose in books. Although, I think I lost one of my favorites when we moved -- "Tales of the Weird & Unexplained." Something tells me I won't find much of the weird or unexplained here, in Norman Rockwell's neighborhood.

Unlike Lois' annoying Gilmore-isms, I love Chloe's pop culture refs.

Clark: Smallville's more than just dairy cows. We have a pretty good public library.

Somehow, Clark went to the library, found the book, checked it out,
and got back to the loft in five seconds. I'm finding this a little improbable,
but the gesture was so cute that I can't help but forgive the fact that Clark
obviously stole the book from the library.

Chloe, lacking her later journalistic instincts, also ignores the obvious...

...because Clark is just THAT cute. *squish those cheeks!*

Clark: What was that for?

ADORABLE smile! He's totally into her!

And then Chloe does what she always does...

Chloe: I know you've been thinking about it all day. So I figured we'd just get it out of the way and be friends.

Thoughts:

Oh, Chloe. It's like you're allergic to making yourself happy. Whenever she has a chance with Clark ("Heat" or "Zod" anyone?) she blows it because she shrugs off her feelings and puts up that shield. What's nice about this scene is that they address that and her reluctance to attach to people. She's afraid that people will leave and rightly so (unlike Lana whose parents DIED BY A METEOR AND DIDN'T LEAVE YOU).

There's already such an ease in the relationship between Clark and Chloe. You get how both parts of the Chloe/Clark relationship develop in this scene. First, you get the playful teasing. And then, and most importantly, you see how their support system forms. She's sharing an incredibly personal moment and is desperately in need of some support. And Clark goes above and beyond by getting her favorite book from the library for her.

The one thing that I love the most about this scene is that it really gives Chloe a reason to kiss him. It's not just that she was attracted to his adorableness. She's attracted to his heart and (since she doesn't know he super-sped to the library) because she thinks that he checks out the same books as she does. The fact that they bond over reading is the absolute cuteness.

Tiny!Clark doesn't quite have the emotional range of TW!Clark, but it's clear that he's flattered and pleased and amused by Chloe and her kiss, as evidenced by TW!Clark's reaction in "Obscura." Overall, I was incredibly touched by this scene and felt it was a great flashback that really did justice to Clark's memory.

Tomorrow's Shippy Moment: We continue the "Abyss" memory to its Eternal Sunshine moment.

Spoiler Snark: Gossip Girl, Greek, and Smallville

Where I will snark about spoilers. (Boy, I'm being adventurous with my newfound blogging love.)

In this outing: Who’s hooking up on Gossip Girl? Who’s deactivating on Greek? And who’s Smallville’s latest superhero?

Gossip Girl

As Watch with Kristin reported, Nate and Blair are officially ON.

To quote Kristin’s insider: "Blair and Nate are both at a crossroads. Blair has to accept she isn't going to Yale. Nate is being sucked into his family's expectations, and they are both there for each other and enjoy the familiarity. At first it's platonic, but, of course, that doesn't last long."

And, despite my loyal Chair/Bluck love, I am super-excited about this development. I know, I’m in the minority. But let’s think about how this is good for the show:

1. Nate hooking up with Blair totally shows Chuck what he’s lost and hopefully will give him a good kick in the rear to get his priorities in order.

2. Nate will finally be back in the central plot where he belongs. While I do love the Nate/Vanessa cuteness, Nate is not a B-plot character. And I’m excited to actually have Chace Crawford’s man-bangs cross my TV screen for more than three minutes a week, if even.

3. It will heat up a Nate/Chuck rivalry, meaning they'll actually have screentime together. Does anyone else miss season one Nate and Chuck when they smoked pot in Central Park and were just effortlessly cool and bromantic? Or when they fought over Blair and it was so effing amazing that you were angry that Nate gave up too easily? Yeah. I miss my Nate/Chuck interaction of any type and a Nate/Blair/Chuck love triangle works well to help re-establish their on-screen chemistry.

4. Anything that takes away from the Dan/Serena “we’ve broken up three times and still haven’t learned our lesson” drama is more than welcome in my book.

Plus, we all know that Blair and Chuck are endgame. So I don’t mind our Queen B getting some hot biceped action in the meantime. (And how romantic/gorgeous/exhilarating is that kissing-in-the-snow photo?)

P.S. If Blair’s not going to Yale, where IS she going? If everyone ends up at Columbia, I’m going to be so underwhelmed.

Greek

Two pieces of news:

From Watch with Kristin

“Max has given up grad school for Casey, which he'll make a point of a lot, but when he goes out of town for a month, look for Cappie and Casey to get into some trouble.”

No! Not my beloved Max! Seriously. I’m Cappie-ed out. I realize that he’s the charming slacker that we should all root for Logan Echolls-style, but Max is so wonderfully cute and smart and generous of spirit. I avoided falling in love with Max because I knew that I’d get my heart broken since Cappie/Casey is obviously what the writers and fans want, but he’s irresistibly a-dork-able. Stupid Casey. Maybe Max can get together with Ashleigh?

From Ask Ausiello

“Sources confirm to me exclusively that ding, dong the witch is dead. The witch in this case being Zeta Beta beeyatch Frannie, played with wicked zeal by Tiffany Dupont.”

This actually is freaking me out a bit. Without Frannie to act as the Big Bad, the show just makes Rebecca and Evan do unbelievably stupid stuff. Frannie is the go-to bitch character. I don’t care about her character’s redemption, unlike Rebecca’s and Evan’s. I’m really afraid that without Frannie that Evan will fully embrace the dark side that he has been wading in all of last season or that Rebecca and Casey will finally start an all-out war.

Smallville

Can't. Look. Away. From. Photoshopped. Chest.

From Ask Ausiello
“Anywhoo, by now you probably know that episode 19 finds Lois concocting her very own superhero alter ego, Stiletto, in an effort to smoke out the Red Blue-Blur. (She attacks bad guys with her pointy heels. Get it?) Well, what you may not know is that in that same episode, Chloe willingly begins harboring a fugitive whose name rhymes with Broomsday. (Second hint: He turned her wedding day into a low-budget Cloverfield.) And being the dutiful hostess that she is, she even throws in free meals. Wait 'till you see what, er, who she serves for dinner on Day One.”

Yes, ladies and gents. You read right. Lois Lane becomes a superhero named STILETTO. Like the shoes that you wear to your sorority’s formal before tossing them off because you can’t dance to K-Clarkson’s new single in them. I know I’m probably the only one still watching this show, but come on! Superman should not be about Lois Lane’s fetish for spiky footwear inspiring her to be a superhero.

Also, why is Chloe harboring Doomsday/Davis? Remember how he trashed your wedding? And do I really have to watch Chloe serve him people ala Little Shop of Horrors? I thought old school reporter Chloe would return once Brainiac was extracted from her, but it just seems like the writers want Chloe to just be the most nonsensical character on the already ridiculous show.

LET CHLOE BE HAPPY, TPTB! She deserves it after all the crap you've put her through!

Shippy Moment of the Day: Clark and Chloe's First Kiss (Smallville)

Okay. I've been super-lame about updating. Which is completely my fault. Well, half my fault. My fault for overloading and stage managing three shows back-to-back (with the fourth yet to come). And then Smallville's fault for sucking so hardcore. (Except for "Legion," which was, in a word, amazing. But I'll get to that in an upcoming recap.)

So, in an effort to get my blogging back on track, I'm starting a "Shippy Moment of the Day" feature where I wax poetic about some of my favorite couples and their best moments. These can be happy, sexy, or angsty, but they're all moments that I personally love as a viewer and a fan of these couples.

Our first pick for Shippy Moment of the Day:

Clark and Chloe's First Kiss (Part One)
"Obscura" from Smallville, Season 1

To recap for those of you who don't watch Smallville or haven't seen season one since it aired eight years ago...

Chloe has been kidnapped. Clark freaks the hell out and realizes how much Chloe means to him. In his freak-out, he tells Lana (his "true wuv") about his first kiss.

Look how sad he is! He misses her soooo much!

Clark: I keep wishing Chloe would just walk up those steps. I never appreciated how much she meant to me till now. The thought of never seeing her again…

Lana's so pretty. Even if she is cray-cray.

Lana: Clark. You can't think that way.

There's this moment of silent angst. And then all of a sudden Clark
gets this beautiful, private smile and he can't help but share the memory
with Lana with no reservations.

Clark: You know, I remember the first time I met her. It was eighth grade. She'd just transferred from Metropolis and I was assigned to show her around. The first thing she wanted to know was where she could buy a copy of the Planet so she could keep in touch with civilisation. When she found out I lived on a farm, she insisted I invite her over to experience it firsthand. Think she thought I was Amish. When I brought her up here … she just kissed me, right out of the blue.

Happy Clark!

Lana: Why did she do that?

So happy! Dorkishly happy!

Clark: She said I know you've been thinking about that all day, so I figured we'd get it out of the way and be friends. It was my first kiss.

I love his realization here. Like he didn't even understand
how important it was that Chloe was his first kiss until that
very moment. Like it didn't seem unusual or significant until
he truly understood how important she is to him.

Lana: It's nice it was with someone you still care about.

Jealous!

And then it finally occurs to Clark that he has a crush on Lana.
After gushing about Chloe without hesitation. Chloe elicits a smile.
Lana, self-consciousness.

What I love about this moment is that it's all about Chloe. Clark has been angsting over Lana for the entire season and this is the first moment where we get the sense that if Clark let himself, he could really fall in love with Chloe and pick her over Lana. Here's Lana, the object of his affection, sitting next to him and he can't stop talking about the girl who's not there. He's not doing it because he wants to make Lana jealous or simply because he's concerned as a friend for Chloe. He brings up a very personal, very romantic memory from his time with Chloe and shares it with Lana. He's so wrapped up in the moment that he doesn't even seem to remember that he likes Lana until the end when he looks away. He picks Chloe over Lana for the briefest moment and he is truly, sincerely happy.

I just love how Tom Welling played this entire scene. It's not sappy. It could have been sappy and angsty, but instead it is perfectly lovely and beautiful and sweet. You can totally see Tom imagining the event before his eyes and drawing real pleasure from it.

Not to excessively foreshadow, but tomorrow's post will be about the Chlark kiss from Chloe's perspective as shown in "Abyss." Yay for underage cuteness! (Which, of course, is supposed to take place a year before this episode...and yet the kids look so much more age-appropriate. Oh, WB/CW and your Dawson casting!)

Recap: Smallville 8x05 "Committed"

Summary:

Chloe and Jimmy have one of those photo cakes which I totally hate because even though the photo part is edible, it takes like plastic. What's wrong with delicious frosting, America? Not novel enough for you?! Bah.

Jimmy cuts off Sugar Photo Chloe's head. Now that's what I call foreplay.

Lois, ever-the-alcoholic, emerges from her drunken stupor as the only voice of reason. I mean, the sloppy, slutty voice of reason, but the voice of reason all the same. She says that Chimmy ain't soulmates. What? The next thing you'll tell me is that bacon is bad for me. Mmm. Bacon.

"Jimmy Olsen hates puppies. There. I said it. That douchebag."
(Also, how effing contrived is that ferris wheel photo?)

ANYWAY, Clark, for some reason, decides that drunk Lois is making a scene and counters all of her very valid, yet slurred, points with gag-worthy platitudes.

Chloe and Jimmy go outside to say goodbye to their guests. Chloe is impressed by how Jimmy isn't jealous of Clark anymore and how that deserves some sexytime. Jimmy's all for it. Unfortunately for Little James, a masked man comes out of nowhere and stuns them! Oh Nos!

Lois wakes up at the Kent farm in Clark's football jersey. He gives her some antacid, not aware that Lois eats pickles for her hang-overs. She tables the antacid, highly concerned that she and Clark slept together. Clark finds this idea laughable. Getting puked on by a drunk girl while having sex isn't his thing. Well, actually, sex isn't his thing.

Tess hasn't been able to find "X." Oliver shows up at the Daily Planet. Tess wants Oliver to move on; Lex taught her that. (Let's hold for a moment while the entire fandom laughs hysterically at the idea of Lex ever moving on from anything.) Oliver asks Mercy out to dinner. "A meal's just a meal," he says. Uh, not when you also send the girl dresses. They plan a dinner date for later that night.

Lois and Clark go to Chloe's apartment. No sign of Chimmy, but there are some furry handcuffs. Lois is turned on. Clark wonders if Jimmy uses them to pin down delinquent cats.

It turns out that Lois drunk dials Chloe. She deletes it before we hear it all.

"...and he's such a gentleman, cos I just showed him
my rack. My boooobies! Heehee! BOOBS."

Clark and Lois realize that Chimmy are the latest in a string of couples that have been abducted. All of them went to the same baker, stationary shop, and jewelry vendor (and, you'll notice, Chloe sports a new engagement ring in this episode).

Chimmy are tied up to electric chair lie detectors. Crazy guy says that true lovers have no secrets (uh, sure). Crazy MoFo asks Jimmy if he's cheated on Chloe. Oh, you mean like last week? He says no. Chloe gets shocked. Jimmy freaks out and backtracks. Yeah. Way to pick a winner, Chlo.

Lois comes up with the idea that she and Clark pose as a couple to find whoever is doing this. She proposes marriage. Clark looks constipated.

"Pre-nup condition #1: I keep Shelby."

Jeweler's. Lois and Clark think for some reason that all couples give each other nicknames related to food and small canines. Oliver walks in and is shocked to see Lois and Clark there. When asked for an explanation, they tell Oliver that they're getting married. Ollie doesn't take it well and gives Clark the look of "Man, Bro Code. Bros before hos!" Clark, unfamiliar with the bro code as evidenced by trying to steal his ex-best friend's fiance away from him on their wedding day, looks away awkwardly before Lois leads them out.

Back to Basement of Doom! Crazy Guy asks Chloe if she loves anyone else. She waits for an insanely long moment before saying "no." I feel like we must have been missing a subtext.

"Do you love any other self-involved, skirt-chasing photographers
who are so beneath you that the only interaction you should have with
them is when they bring you your morning coffee?"

"No. Dammit. I didn't think this engagement out, did I?"

Oliver and Mercy spar with kendo sticks before she pins him against the wall. HOT. Then they make-out. HOTTER.

Lois gets kidnapped by Crazy Guy.

Chloe and Jimmy wake up in the bed of love. Instead of, you know, freaking the hell out because they were just tortured, they decide to kiss fondly first and wax poetic about their "perfect" relationship.

Clark finds Lois in the Basement of Doom! Before Clark can free her, Crazy Mo'Fo stops him with his kryptonite jewelry. He hooks them up to his makeshift killer lie detector. Crazy Mo'Fo asks Lois if she's ever cheated on Clark. She says no. He gets shocked anyway. Uh, why? How could she be lying? See! Lie detectors are the suck and don't work.

Lois confesses that she loves Clark. (Really TPTB? REALLY?) Clark sends Crazy's green bracelet down the drain and saves Lois.

Lois and Chloe talk about how Lois is, basically, the worst person to have at an engagement party. Chloe takes Lois' bottle of crazy insanely well. Lois talks about how torn up she feels because she and Ollie fell apart (but she's NOT in love with him, because she loves Clark. Right? Right?).

Jimmy confesses to Chloe that he is not who she thinks he is...because he's the son of DRUNKS! WHAT?! Chloe briefly entertains angry thoughts but then realizes that she keeps secrets all the effing time and probably has no rationale to judge anyone else for keeping secrets, especially considering she's keeping the secret of where her own father's been since season 3. Jimmy asks Chloe if she wants to break off the engagement because guys like him don't get guys like her. Jimmy, this is SMALLVILLE. The only guys Chloe gets are annoying creeps.

After waking up from their nighttime rendezvous, Ollie is all about sexing up Tess again. He offers her jewelry he picked up after his meeting with Lois and Clark. She scoffs and says that he was just scratching her itch.

Lois and Clark have awkward elevator time where Lois says that she lied and tricked the machine. Lois says she's just glad Clark didn't have to answer. Clark has confused face.

Elevators are like flying!

1. Chimmy?

"I guess Lois left more than her White Snake albums."

It was nice to see cute Chimmy. I did like Chimmy back in season six when they were uncomplicated and cute. But, like all Chimmy-ness, it devolves into painful viewing. This episode was so pointed: Chloe doesn't love Clark anymore! Chimmy 4-eva! Why, oh WHY does every episode have to suddenly be about how strong Chloe's feelings aren't for Clark?

I feel that Lois' concerns she voiced at the engagement party really weren't addressed at all. Chloe has that feeling that she and Jimmy are forever. I also have a feeling that Chloe's being controlled by Brainaic and have stopped associating her looks with her character that I used to love.

And how LAME was that secret? Watch how much I don't care.

2. Clois?
Con-fricking-trived. Unbelievable. Too soon. Pushed too hard. I've talked about this before. Just. UGH.

3. Clollie?

The ONLY scene I liked. Absolutely hilarious.

"Wait. You're getting married? But Clark can't have sex."

"He's making an honest woman out of me because
I'm having your love child."

"Wait--WHAT?!"

4. Tellie?
It's like a mini soap opera, full of good shirtless action! I love their history, I love their banter. I love LOVE LOVE them.

5. What Happened to Plot?

Not that I don't love my soapy shippy goodness. But Smallville actually used to have plots. Adventures. Mysteries. I miss those days. I know most people probably watch this show for Justin Hartley's shirtless moments, but it never hurts to have a great FotW that isn't just a psycho with some electrical tape and pliers.