Smallville "Doomsday" Play-by-Play: TiVO Style

So since there was a huge wait on the TV Room today due to an inordinate amount of finales (Bones, Grey's Anatomy, 30 Rock, The Office), I had to wait until four hours later to start watching the season finale of Smallville. I have managed to avoid all discussion of what has happened, so I am full of anxiety and dread and have NO IDEA what's going to happen. Watch as my faith in the show is either restored or smashed to pieces! It's going to be a trainwreck, people! TRAINWRECK.

Deep breath, people. Deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath.

10:55 Preview! Remember all that crap that happened to Chloe? IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Apparently Lois had a storyline? Nice try, preview. I care far more about Tess' awesome curly hair and her glowing disco ball of evil!

10:57 Flying? Who is flying? Rokk! Rokk may be a dipshit, but he's superhot. Also, they arranged a meeting? Really? It's time travel, people. What, did Rokk call him from his inter-time-space Verizon phone? Also, Rokk, you just realized that traveling to the past changes time? Dumbass.

10:59 You'ze gonna die, Clark!

11:00 Why so cute Davis and Chloe? Also, LOVE Greek mythology! Davis, I want to marry you!

11:01 Tess, you're so fucking fierce. Oh noes! No more disco ball! Don't mess with Tess, JLA. She'll wreck your shit.

11:02 Nice ring box, Clark. There's room for a matching bracelet in there.

11:03 Lois is aware of a plot point? What?! Also, SAD letter to the world! Oh, Clark! I feel for you for the first time, like, all season!

11:04 Really, Lois? You didn't notice that Clark left and you suddenly got a phone call? Dumbass. And Clark, stop saying things that make us think you're stalking Lois.

11:05 I'm glad Lois cares about Chloe. I did always love ChloLo. Lois, especially when she cares about Chloe, shows herself to be a legitimate person.

11:06 I feel like this scene is getting a litle too melodramatic for the beginning of the episode. We have too much angst left, people! Pace it!

11:07 A meeting at a phone booth? *headpalm* Too much like the failed coffee date that didn't happen. Does this mean they won't meet? PLEASE?

11:08 Does Hitched or Ditched seem like the best worst show idea EVER to anyone else? LOVE the CW.

11:08 BART!!!! Oh, and Dinah. But BART!!!

11:09 Clark, stop playing your cards too soon! See, because then Oliver comes in and screws with your plans.

11:10 YES! Clark! Verbally bitch slap Ollie!

11:11 Bart: "You guys have some, uh, serious [sexual] tension going on here." LexisOliverPlz?

11:12 Clark, I don't know if you can kick Oliver out of the League. I mena, he's the founder. And is the one with the money. And I'm pretty sure Dinah is screwing him on the side.

11:13 Jimmy is being a superspy in a believable way! OMG! Jimmy/Lois! I love their scenes! SO FUNNY! Smash Lois under that table, Jimmy! Smash her to tiny, iconic bits!

11:14 Jimmy! Don't go alone!

11:15 Regan? Regan! I LOVE YOU! Almost more than Tess. Almost.

11:16 Stabbed in the back! Or, uh, Arrowed in the back! Is it bad that my unholy love of Bart makes this turning on Clark kinda totally okay?

11:17 "The bar has always been a little bit lower for you, hasn't it?" Tess, why so awesome? Put Lois in her place! Kick her ass!

11:18 Legion ring! Crap. Lois to the future.

11:19 I love how Bart is trying to be super-sensitive. He loves Chloe! (Like everyone should.)

11:20 I love when Davis is self-sacrificing. Just highlights how freaking awesome he is.

11:21 Black Kryptonite what up! I love how Chloe is helping fulfill Clark's plan. Even apart, they're on the same team.

11:22 Jimmy's figuring out Kryptonite. He's finding out the secret. He's totally dead. But I love how he is actually so smart. Like, he figured it out in "Identity" and he isn't willing to shove it under the rug. And he was the only one to put it all together, other than Doctor "I'm badass with mah car" Emil Hamilton.

11:23 Why are you killing off Jimmy?! He's so awesome as Clark's little BFF. Also, what gift? Explain, show!

11:24 I wanted tears, dammit! You're seeing Chloe for the first time in forever! TEARS!

11:25 Crap. Lois was totally in the path of Doomsday's destruction. Stupid Legion ring! She could have DIED! *sob*

11:26 Ew...mouth blood.

11:27 Was that...it? Seriously? THAT WAS YOUR FIGHT WITH DOOMSDAY? It lasted, like, three minutes!

11:28 No! Don't get Chimmy back together! I totally acknowledge that Jimmy is full of awesome now, but nooooooooooo! "Watch over you"? No, JIMMY! I know it's going to become Watchtower, but I *sobs* I can't believe how much I'm actually going to miss you! You're so not a douchebag! And you know how Chloe is awesome! So awesome!

11:29 NO! CHIMMY KISS?! WHY?!

11:30 NO! Davis! I like how Davis is like, "This was all for Clark?" Not, "Why the hell are you making out with your drug addict ex-husband?!"

11:31 Wow. Killing both Doomsday and Davis took, like, two seconds. COP OUT.

11:32 NO! JIMMY! God, I actually care! I actually care! You had so much potential! Stop making Chloe cry! She has NO ONE now! NO ONE!

11:33 Film negatives! God! WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! Dipshit writers!

11:34 Dinah exchanges a look with Ollie... (What? I can ship, even at a funeral.)

11:35 No! Jimmy has a little brother? And was that his alcoholic dad? He looks really put-together. And you just can't make his younger brother ICONIC Jimmy Olsen. I mean, what kind of dumbass parents would name both their kids James? ASSHATS. Otherwise, he'd have to CHANGE HIS NAME.

11:36 Love Chloe and Dinah friends.

11:37 Clark's alive? COP OUT. Ooh, love the exchange over the grave. Very Lexian over Lionel.

11:38 Chlark hug! Hug her until the pain goes away, Clark! HUG HER!

11:39 She has lost everyone! Clark, even you!

11:40 Chloe is sounding a little crazy. Also, the whole Jimmy thing totally means that Chloe could never leave Watchtower. Dammit.

11:41 Seriously, Clark? Get over yourself. "I'm human, blah blah blah, I suck." Shut up.

11:41 "Clark Kent" was your metaphorical death? BULLSHIT. Also, how the hell could you leave Chloe? You fucking Dipshit!

11:42 I also don't like the way Chloe's grabbing at her belly...

11:42 So much love for you, Tess, and your amazing robe.

11:43 ZOD! HELL YEAH! I would have liked some lingering SWbeard eye candy to go along with it, but whatever.

Initial Reaction Before I Smash Something and Then Study for My Midterm

• RIP Jimmy. Who would have ever thought that you would end up too good for this show?
• GOD I'M SO ANGRY.
• Also, wasn't it convenient that Lois disappeared instead of the writers actually having to try putting her into a relevant plotline?
• Seriously, Clark. You just acknowledged that Chloe has NO ONE. Absentee dad, insane mom, dead ex-husband, dead ex-serial killer love interest, missing cousin, and now her BFF decides to be a FUCKING DUMBASS and leave her ALL ALONE. DIP FREAKING SHIT.
• Davis?! Why so evil?!
• Tess, there is no way to explain how much I love you.
• BART!!!
• Lex in Ollie Suit! Make it happen!
  
• CHLOE!!! Why do the writers hate you so much?! WHY?!
• Already over Watchtower. How is that going to be any different than Isis, especially without the JLA?
  
• *SOB* JIMMY OLSEN!
• So, you were saving your budget for those three-second fights, eh? Reeeeeeeeeeeally impressive, TPTB.
  

I can't believe I have to STUDY after this. Why are my fandoms wonking out on me?!