The Shipping News: Nate and Vanessa

Oh, show. Why are you equally amazing and frustrating?

I agree that the plot of the "The Grandfather" was mostly flawed (really, Serena? you haven’t talked to Dan in a week? Don’t you have school with him? Why is Dan even hanging out with Nate and Vanessa? And Chuck, remember when you used to try to rape people and now you’re too in love to have Blair “that way”? PLEASE.), but I have to say that everything V said and did (minus the “I guess we’re broken up”—jeez, the people on this show need to actually BREAK UP, not suggest it through ambiguous stares) made sense.

Vanessa was actually an incredibly supportive girlfriend in this episode. Unlike Dan and Serena who are constantly ripped apart by class issues, Vanessa is able to take it in stride. She wants Nate to be happy. That means encouraging him to be with his family instead of her on their pierogi date, or, heck, convincing him to forgive his grandfather in the first place. At the beginning of the episode, she reminds Nate how important his family is to him. It’s a small but very clear glimpse into Nate and Vanessa’s relationship, especially compared to his with Blair: Nate feels comfortable opening up to Vanessa in a way that we don’t see with any other character, except perhaps Chuck. (But not really because when was the last time we had a Chuck/Nate scene?)

And when it comes to the internship, obviously she has selfish motives when it comes to her not wanting him to take it. But she’s also afraid that he’ll become something he’s not. In an episode about reminiscencing about what should have been, Vanessa is trying to tell him that he can pick his own path. With Nate and Vanessa, it’s all about opening the road that the other person wouldn’t travel in order to make him/her consider his/her options: Nate convinces V to take the SATs even though her family doesn’t go to college and V convinces Nate that there are more things in life than becoming a Vanderbilt. I truly believe that if Vanessa felt that Nate really wanted the internship (let’s face it: Nate did a pretty piss-poor job of convincing her by NOT TELLING HER), she would support him whole-heartedly.

The show has established that Nate and Vanessa are able to work through their issues if they get enough time and distance; also, if Nate picked Vanessa over Duchess Cougar and Raccoon-Eyed Jenny, I’ve gotta think that what he feels for her is incredibly strong. If the show wasn’t so keen on pushing Blair/Nate for the extra drama, I would have no doubt that after this episode, Vanessa would go to Nate and apologize for the way she acted, the same way she did in the previous episode. She’s passionate and she says the wrong thing sometimes without thinking, but unlike Dan, she knows when she did something wrong.

I mean, let’s be frank. Vanessa and Nate are the most functional couple the show has shown us. No secret children (Rufus/Lily), cheating (Everyone), or chastising (Dan/Serena). They have the SEX! the show requires (the only good part of the secret society storyline was Nate and Vanessa’s later role play), but also the heart and the common sense. (Ignore the Jenny stuff, which was ridiculous from the start.) All Nate wants is to be loved, and Vanessa gives that to him with a proper amount of sass, which Nate gives back in return. She’s a thinking girlfriend who knows what she wants from the relationship and thinks about what’s best for herself AND Nate (how novel, compared to Nate’s other conquests). She doesn’t want Nathaniel Archibald, Vanderbilt but Nate Archibald, ESPN lover. And Nate doesn’t need a society girl for a good wife or an activist to show his political interests. All he needs is someone willing to listen to him and help him out through quite frankenly some of the crappiest crap that any of the characters have to deal with, the majority of which is not his fault. Vanessa gives good Nate a kind ear and, when needed, a supportive intervention.

What frustrates me is that the entirety of Gossip Girl shows that the showrunners do not think ahead when they plot the show. I feel that a lot of this Chuck/Blair/Nate/Vanessa drama would have been so much better with the appropriate build (uh, maybe by dropping that horrible secret society storyline that Chuck had?). Le sigh.

TO CONCLUDE. Nate/Vanessa = <3. Showrunners = Suck. Hopefully, Nate and Vanessa will get back together at some point. Otherwise, we’re pretty much assured Dan/Vanessa and then I truly won’t care if we ever go to Brooklyn.

(P.S. Fic Rec: This Won’t Be a Sad Song, the best Nate/Vanessa fic I have read thus far.)

Spoiler Snark: Gossip Girl, Greek, and Smallville

Where I will snark about spoilers. (Boy, I'm being adventurous with my newfound blogging love.)

In this outing: Who’s hooking up on Gossip Girl? Who’s deactivating on Greek? And who’s Smallville’s latest superhero?

Gossip Girl

As Watch with Kristin reported, Nate and Blair are officially ON.

To quote Kristin’s insider: "Blair and Nate are both at a crossroads. Blair has to accept she isn't going to Yale. Nate is being sucked into his family's expectations, and they are both there for each other and enjoy the familiarity. At first it's platonic, but, of course, that doesn't last long."

And, despite my loyal Chair/Bluck love, I am super-excited about this development. I know, I’m in the minority. But let’s think about how this is good for the show:

1. Nate hooking up with Blair totally shows Chuck what he’s lost and hopefully will give him a good kick in the rear to get his priorities in order.

2. Nate will finally be back in the central plot where he belongs. While I do love the Nate/Vanessa cuteness, Nate is not a B-plot character. And I’m excited to actually have Chace Crawford’s man-bangs cross my TV screen for more than three minutes a week, if even.

3. It will heat up a Nate/Chuck rivalry, meaning they'll actually have screentime together. Does anyone else miss season one Nate and Chuck when they smoked pot in Central Park and were just effortlessly cool and bromantic? Or when they fought over Blair and it was so effing amazing that you were angry that Nate gave up too easily? Yeah. I miss my Nate/Chuck interaction of any type and a Nate/Blair/Chuck love triangle works well to help re-establish their on-screen chemistry.

4. Anything that takes away from the Dan/Serena “we’ve broken up three times and still haven’t learned our lesson” drama is more than welcome in my book.

Plus, we all know that Blair and Chuck are endgame. So I don’t mind our Queen B getting some hot biceped action in the meantime. (And how romantic/gorgeous/exhilarating is that kissing-in-the-snow photo?)

P.S. If Blair’s not going to Yale, where IS she going? If everyone ends up at Columbia, I’m going to be so underwhelmed.

Greek

Two pieces of news:

From Watch with Kristin

“Max has given up grad school for Casey, which he'll make a point of a lot, but when he goes out of town for a month, look for Cappie and Casey to get into some trouble.”

No! Not my beloved Max! Seriously. I’m Cappie-ed out. I realize that he’s the charming slacker that we should all root for Logan Echolls-style, but Max is so wonderfully cute and smart and generous of spirit. I avoided falling in love with Max because I knew that I’d get my heart broken since Cappie/Casey is obviously what the writers and fans want, but he’s irresistibly a-dork-able. Stupid Casey. Maybe Max can get together with Ashleigh?

From Ask Ausiello

“Sources confirm to me exclusively that ding, dong the witch is dead. The witch in this case being Zeta Beta beeyatch Frannie, played with wicked zeal by Tiffany Dupont.”

This actually is freaking me out a bit. Without Frannie to act as the Big Bad, the show just makes Rebecca and Evan do unbelievably stupid stuff. Frannie is the go-to bitch character. I don’t care about her character’s redemption, unlike Rebecca’s and Evan’s. I’m really afraid that without Frannie that Evan will fully embrace the dark side that he has been wading in all of last season or that Rebecca and Casey will finally start an all-out war.

Smallville

Can't. Look. Away. From. Photoshopped. Chest.

From Ask Ausiello
“Anywhoo, by now you probably know that episode 19 finds Lois concocting her very own superhero alter ego, Stiletto, in an effort to smoke out the Red Blue-Blur. (She attacks bad guys with her pointy heels. Get it?) Well, what you may not know is that in that same episode, Chloe willingly begins harboring a fugitive whose name rhymes with Broomsday. (Second hint: He turned her wedding day into a low-budget Cloverfield.) And being the dutiful hostess that she is, she even throws in free meals. Wait 'till you see what, er, who she serves for dinner on Day One.”

Yes, ladies and gents. You read right. Lois Lane becomes a superhero named STILETTO. Like the shoes that you wear to your sorority’s formal before tossing them off because you can’t dance to K-Clarkson’s new single in them. I know I’m probably the only one still watching this show, but come on! Superman should not be about Lois Lane’s fetish for spiky footwear inspiring her to be a superhero.

Also, why is Chloe harboring Doomsday/Davis? Remember how he trashed your wedding? And do I really have to watch Chloe serve him people ala Little Shop of Horrors? I thought old school reporter Chloe would return once Brainiac was extracted from her, but it just seems like the writers want Chloe to just be the most nonsensical character on the already ridiculous show.

LET CHLOE BE HAPPY, TPTB! She deserves it after all the crap you've put her through!

Recap: Gossip Girl 2x06 "New Haven Can Wait"

Summary:

Blair wakes from a dream where her Audrey Hepburn is out-classed by Serena in My Fair Lady. Upon waking, she tries to push her insecurities aside and keep herself happy with her upcoming visit to her father's alma mater, Yale. Serena is planning to visit Brown, despite getting a handwritten letter to visit Yale because (as she shows in her limited humanity in this episode) it's Blair's school. Also, Serena is dumb as Helen Keller pre-The Miracle Worker. (Get it? Because she couldn't talk?...oh, whatever, I thought it was hilarious.)

Blair points out to Serena that she's as dumb as the aforementioned Keller and Serena decides that the best thing to do is to go to Yale to screw over Blair. Right. Really mature, Serena.

Why, yes, I AM planning to major in New Bitch-ish Literature!
How did you know?

Serena gets all personable with the Dean and gets invited to his special gathering, which Blair is not invited to. Blair, being Blair, connives her way into the soirée, where each prospective Yale student must fill out a person they would most like to meet. Serena, livid at Blair for crashing the party, steals her person. Blair, being Blair, switches the entry to the name of the man Serena "killed" last season. This leads to a bitch-fight outside, which Serena totally starts by pushing Blair. After their fight, they decide not to be friends anymore.

Finally, Serena and Blair come to terms with their rivalry (that lasted all of two episodes), decide to be BFFs again, and decide that going to Yale together would be, jeepers, so cool and Gilmore Girls-esque. The Dean calls Serena, offering her admission, despite, you know, supposedly killing a man. However, he says Blair will find out in the spring. (Which makes NO sense, since Yale is her first choice and there's no way Blair didn't Early Decision that application.)

MEANWHILE, the boys are also visiting Yale. Chuck convinces Nate to visit Yale with him because he wants to join the Skull and Bones. Nate is a begrudging participant since his dad's illegal money matters ruined many a trust fund there.

Dan needs a letter of recommendations, so the Dean mandates that he get one from a professor. At Yale. By the end of his visit. I mean, maybe this is why I don't go to an Ivy League school, but seriously? You won't just take a recommendation from his high school English teacher, someone who has actually talked to him and seen repeated examples of his work? Seriously?

Nate lands himself a college girl (well, he does like his older women), but says his name is Dan Humphrey so that he doesn't get in trouble with the guys that are pissed off at his dad. It turns out that Dan needs help from said college girl to secure a prof rec and he totally cock-blocks Nate, ruining his cover.

I'm sorry, I'm not interested unless you're underage.

Chuck gets kidnapped by the Skull and Bones and must prove his awesomeness. He provides women. Women who do their work best in threes. Kinky threes. The men enjoy the women, but also need a show of loyalty from Chuck: he will deliver them Nate for them to pummel. Chuck, still fuming from last week, gives them Dan instead, who they tie up. Nate and College Girl help Dan down.

Shirtless, immobile Dan? The best kind.

Nate is furious that Chuck did that to Dan. I guess Nate and Dan are suddenly friends after no previous interaction? I mean, why the hell not? Chuck, on the other hand, now has blackmail photos of all the guys in Skull and Bones in kinky positions with his ladies.

CONCURRENTLY, Jenny convinces Rufus to let her work and be home schooled (Home schooled by whom is a good question, but it is never brought up. I love Rufus, but I doubt Rufus is the calculus sort.). She totally seals the deal by having Rufus all loosened up by Lilly Van der Woodsen. And my coupling of the "old" people on the CW continues.

1. Serena v. Blair

We all have our perfect person that we secretly always compare ourselves to. Our Natasha, to borrow from Sex and the City. My high school Natasha kicked my ass at speech team, goes to Princeton, and dated the sweetest guy ever. She is also ridiculously pretty and personable. A monster hit on all counts. Blair has Serena, who is effortlessly charming and affable, despite her dull wit and naïveté.

But Serena proved in this episode to be quite a hard pill to swallow. There are three types of bitches. Two are lovable (well, ish), and the third is draining and obnoxious:

1. The Bitch who Knows It and Owns It.
2. The Bitch who Is Hiding Her Insecurity.
3. The Bitch who Thinks She's the Nicest Girl Since Pollyanna.

Blair falls into the first two categories; Serena squarely into the third. The third category is also inhabited by Cady from Mean Girls. No one hates Regina in Mean Girls. She's a #1 Bitch and she's living the life. Cady, however, still seems to think that she's the sweetest thing despite her bitchery, which just makes you want to bitch-slap some self-awareness into her. Same goes for Serena.

Serena still thinks that she's just letting her inner sparkle shine. Whatever. What she's really doing is taking over the role of massive tool from Dan the Douche for a couple of episodes.

Blair's journey in this episode really hit home for me. As a high-achieving, perpetually self-doubting angst monkey, I take a lot of things very seriously. College admissions is one of them. Now, I lucked out in the grand scheme of things when it came to applying to colleges: there was very little overlap between the schools my friends and I applied to, and if we applied to the same one, the result tended to be the same. Very little drama. But interfering with college admissions is a HUGE no-no for me. I mean, it's a primary reason why I don't like Gabriella from High School Musical. And Serena messing with Yale? Inexcusable.

Did Blair go too far by putting Serena's "murder victim" into the Dean's hands? Yes. But Blair gets stupid when she gets desperate. And Serena made her take that step.

Isn't it what you always fear? That your stupid best friend, just because she's prettier than you, will end up with everything you ever wanted? (See: Smallville and Chloe.)

Maybe I'm too decidedly Team Blair.

Nah.

2. The Fight.

LAME. Seriously, man. I wanted a full-on fight (see: Brooke and Peyton in OTH), not a glimpse of a fight and then a cutway and the next time we see them, they're adjusting their clothes. For all I know, they had sex and that's why they stopped fighting.

But it definitely featured the best lines from the episode:

"I really hate that stupid headband!"

"Ow! My headband!"

3. Poor Little Rich Boy.

Jeez, his man bangs look AWESOME in this cap.

Oh, Nate. How your angst makes me want to give you a hug. But seriously. I know you're a horny teenage boy, but considering you just got out of a two-episode love triangle, moving in on a college girl (while age-wise, in between your two former lovers), is kind of skanky.

Also, who else wanted to hear the words, "I'm Chuck Bass" slip from Nate's lips when asked his name? Why would you want to be Dan Humphrey when you can be Chuck Bass?

4. Rufus/Lilly!

HOT DAMN, Lilly.

How I love them. That is all.

5. THE MOTHERCHUCKER IN ACTION

Chuck is such a BAMF. The final twist in the end was PHENOM and pure Chuck. Really, when Chuck does things like this, you are reminded how perfect he is for Blair because, together, they'd rule the world.

But Chuck has also been having major angst issues of late. Like Blair, he's lost a lot. He's never had his dad, he's lost Blair, and now he's lost Nate. But just like Blair, when the world is taken from him, he gets ruthless. And that's when he's the most interesting to watch.

Next Week: Gossip Girl meets Cruel Intentions. Blair will have sex with Chuck if he seduces Vanessa. I have no idea how this works with the plot or how this isn't a blatant rip-off of CI, but I'm super-excited.

The Perfect Relationship Goes South

I am so angry this week. I have not been this angry at my TV since Michelle Kwan got the silver at Nagano. I am literally livid, boiling with anger.

I know, I know, I'm a week behind in recaps and I am the suck. But the ranting will take place now, and I will recap tomorrow after work, catching up with two weeks of TV.

Let's look at the shows, shall we?

Gossip Girl
Didn't even air this week. MADE OF LOSE.

Greek
I have a half-written post on the back burner written about this, but I hate hate hate how they treated Casey/Evan in the episode. The show has been very clear that Casey and Evan really had deep feelings for each other and the episode just trivialized them because it was "funny" and "dramatic" to have Evan be a jerk and have Cappie and Rebecca break up once more because he has "feelings" for Casey. The only good part of the episode was Rusty and Ashleigh. That was adorable. But the rest? I'm not impressed nor won over.

NCIS
Haven't watched it yet. But with my luck, Tony and McGee accidentally killed each other in friendly fire.

Project Runway
THE BIGGEST BS IN PROJECT RUNWAY HISTORY. Jerell won what was supposed to be the challenge before Bryant Park. He EARNED his spot. And instead of giving it to him, the designer with the most wins of the entire season, the show slaps him down and treats him like he is tasteless vomit. I am so angry about this it hurts.

Smallville
This is the final straw of my TV watching this week. The "Fever" letter is sacred. SACRED. And even if the writers don't think it has the level of holiness that a Chlarker does, it doesn't mean they should attempt to ruin the pillar of the ship just so they can fail at justifying Chimmy and Clois. The Chloe/Clark relationship deserves better. The fans deserve better.

I am so disgusted with this week of TV. I want to punch things. Writers. Producers. Actual televisions.

Television, I expect better from you. If I'm going to skip out on homework because of you, you have a responsibility to make it worth my while.

Recap: Gossip Girl 2x05 "The Serena Also Rises"

Let me first and foremost say how much I love the puns in the episode titles? I mean, nothing with ever beat "The Blair Bitch Project," but this one is pretty good.

As for the episode itself, it's a bit of a step down from the previous two episodes, but it was still good.

***

Summary: Eleanor Waldorf is having her fashion show! Blair gets to do the seating arrangements. No big names (Kristin Dunst isn't a big name since when?) are coming, so, under Jenny's suggestion, Serena brings her socialite posse to sit in the front row instead of staying backstage with Blair, as is tradition. Blair gets back at Jenny by telling Rufus that Jenny's been cutting class. Jenny has two options: be at fashion week or grovel to the headmistress to stay at school. She chooses fashion week.

When Jenny undermines Blair by redoing the seating again, Blair sends all the models home so Jenny, who is in charge of getting the models out, gets in trouble. Jenny convinces Serena and the socialites to do the show. Socialite Poppy tells Serena to let her inner star shine and get over Blair's insecurities. Blair, in a last ditch effort to ruin Jenny's life, tells Serena to put on the final dress, which Blair has switched with one of Jenny's designs. However, the dress is well-received and Eleanor decides not to rip Jenny to shreds.

Rufus, however, knows better and chastises Jenny, who huffs off, saying that she's more talented than he ever was and that she's not going back to school and he can't tell her what to do. Really maturely. Blair apologizes to Serena and Serena bitches about how Blair should just be happy for her and just accept that she's not as cool as her.

MEANWHILE, Dan's mentor tells him to experience the life of his character "Charlie Trout" in order to find better material to write. Dan and Chuck hang out. Chuck makes Dan do drugs. Chuck makes Dan walk home without shoes. Chuck tries to pay a whore-y looking girl for sex and her boyfriend takes offense. Dan hits said boyfriend. Chuck and Dan go to jail. Chuck tells Dan that his dad doesn't love him because his wife died either giving birth or in the Andes. Chuck says he'll get his lawyer to get Dan out of jail. Chuck finds out that Dan was writing about him and is livid. Dan has to call his mentor to get him out of jail. Dan bitches out mentor and writes story about how mentor made him live on the dark side.

CONCURRENTLY, Mama Van der Woodsen tries to buy a naked photo of herself to hang in the apartment to traumatize her children. Bart Bass has enough common sense and decorating taste to NOT want that. Mama VdW finds out that Bart has a file on her, including some incriminating secret yet to be divulged!

***

Let's do our top five, ladies and gents.

1. Blair Needs a Hug.

Oh, Blair.

I know a lot of people probably found Blair's actions in this episode inexcusable. And they were. But people. Blair is hurting and hurting badly. She just found out her third love interest of the show was cheating on her (just like her previous two), only to have her best friend spend time with a socialite instead of comforting her. Her mother is too busy with her collection and her new psuedo-daughter Jenny. I am not being sarcastic when I say life is HARD for Blair.

Should she have been thinking of her mother's show when Serena wasn't going to be with her backstage in order to draw in the clientèle? Yes. But is it completely understandable that she would be upset? Yes. All Blair really wants is her best friend back. She wants the good times back. Once more, everything has been taken from her and she's alone.

With everything falling apart, she had one thing in her control: the seating chart. With that taken away from her, she had nothing.

What kills me is that when Blair finally mans up and apologizes, Serena shoots her down. And people wonder why Blair constantly has a shield around herself.

I'm so sorry! I've been really upset lately--

Uh, sorry, I've got to "shine." You should love me
because I'm awesome and you're just a spiteful little
bitch. Laters!

2. Chuck Also Needs a Hug.

We saw a new side to Chuck tonight, both from Chuck himself and from the scene with Bart and Lily. We already knew about the daddy issues from "Victor, Victrola," but the sheer sense of loneliness that radiates off of him is usually deflected by his quips with Blair or his slurred asides to Nate. Without either of them, he's forced to turn to others outside of his circle: Erik (like in the last episode) and Dan.

Anyone else super-excited that Mama Van der Woodsen has a secret? I love parental drama!

3. Serena Is a Bitch (But Not in a Good Way)

I'm tired of Serena.

Jenny is right. Everything just gets handed to Serena, sort of inexplicably. She's pretty, yes, but she's as bland as flour. She's sooo unremarkable that I am always surprised when characters are drawn to her. Even her voice is so bleh. Outside of "killing a man" (way to blow that one out of proportion), Serena is a pretty girl with a nice mom, awesome brother, and great clothes. Sure, she broke up with her boyfriend, but he was a complete loser. And when Blair tries to help her out (in her own Blair way), Serena shuts her down.

This entire episode for Serena was supposed to teach her to shine and sparkle and shimmy and shake because she's SOO fabulous.

It's a fashion show, dumbass. You don't stay at the end
of the runway and pose, you walk forward, shake your little tush,
and then walk back.

The only reason I've ever liked Serena is because when the crap goes down, she's a good friend. When she was picked as a model and found out Blair wasn't? She dropped out. She may have slept with Nate, but otherwise she's always had Blair's back. This episode changed that. Now, I believe in choosing oneself when the time is right, but the time is NOT right when your best friend is having her entire world being ripped from her.

4. Dan Doesn't Suck.

Was anyone else surprised when the episode ended and you didn't hate Dan Humphrey? I mean, you definitely realize he has limited potential as a writer since he only writes what he knows best (his life) and doesn't even bother to use good pseudonyms. Although, "I'm Charlie Trout," sounds a little stupid. Well, "Charlie Trout" sounds stupid. We couldn't have, like, "I'm Charles Tuna"? "I'm Chuckie Mackerel"? *Le sigh*

Dan used "Lady of the Night" in a short story! HAHAHA.

I am never unsure of Dan's motives. He's pretty transparent. And you could tell that he really did enjoy--or if not enjoy, appreciate--his time with Chuck. He wanted to write about Chuck, but more than that, I think he wanted to see how the other side lives. He's been separated from Serena, has had no social contact outside of Jenny or Off-Screen Vanessa. And Chuck represents (and, okay, stay with me here) Serena to Dan. He represents the life she lives, the life she chooses to live without Dan. Dan misses Serena, and, more than anything, still has his huuuuuge class issues. He wants to know what Serena can't find in him and then wants to convince himself that he doesn't need that.

Sometimes, Danny Boy, I actually feel for you.

(Side note: did anyone else notice how they're getting everyone to go to Yale in order to continue GG to college? "Dartmouth's entire English Department was poached by Yale" my ass. Did Yale pay the CW for all their characters to go there? Or maybe just paid for the Girls: Gilmore and Gossip.)

5. Jenny Needs a Slap.

This is how I do unappreciative little pig.

OMG. The moment I think Jenny might be tolerable, she reverts to her self-centered brat. I may be biased, since I think that Rufus can do no wrong, but all he wants is for his daughter to get a good education. He's paying really good money to help her and she's throwing it away.

Oh, Rufus. Such a cool guy. Such awful kids.

The only way to save Jenny from being totally hated was her sweet little one-on-one with Blair. But even that doesn't make up for her stupidity and rudeness.

Jenny: I'm going to drop out of high school!
Blair: That's nice, sweetie. I'll send you a postcard from Yale.

I am so over her. No wonder Josh Schwartz isn't doing an It Girl spin-off with her. No one would watch.

Next Week: Blair throws beer bottles at Serena's head!

Recap: Gossip Girl 2x04 "The Ex-Files"

Gossip Girl this week was so fabulous it hurt. FABULOUS, I say. And it can all be boiled down three main points:

1. Dan Does the Douche

Douche!

MEGADOUCHE!

So much douche-age it burns!

Douche to the infinity!

Douche-y McDoucheman.

Even Jenny is sick of the douche-iness. If
Jenny hadn't clocked him one for the audience,
there would probably be a riot about
Dan's Supreme Douchedom.

Penn Badgley is soooo lucky I saw him in John Tucker Must Die and fell in love with him before he become Douche Personified.

2. Serena Unleashes her Inner Bitch

We were all waiting for it to happen and it did.

Fear for your life, little Doucheman. Fear for it!

Serena even (subtly) took Blair down by completely tagging her and treating her like a puppy, stroking her hair and tying handkerchiefs around her.

The thing about Bitchy Serena is that I don't know how well it can be done. Season One pretty much established that Old Serena was really just a huge drunk/slut, not really a bitch. And not the say anything mean about Blake, but I don't know if she can do bitch. She's just too...laidback. She doesn't have the high-strung Queen Bee nature of Blair/Leighton.

Speaking of Blair...

3. HOLY HANNAH, IT'S THE LORD AND THE DUCHESS.

Who saw that one coming? Doesn't it add new layers to Catherine's "stay away from Marcus" aside to Blair? We all thought Blair was being warned about the dangers of Englishmen and the Not Having Sex, but in fact, she wanted the Little Lord to conserve his juices for her.

I love this show.

But poor Blair. I felt so bad for her in this episode. Gets cheated on and gets de-throned.

But she's still a bitch and she works it.

Is everyone so excited about the next episode? Not only do we get Fashion Week, but we'll finally see the depths of Bitchy Serena we could only dream of before.

Hell yeah, Motherchuckers!

Recap: Gossip Girl 2x03 "The Dark Night"

Last time on Gossip Girl:
Dan: Wow, I can spend an entire summer banging random chicks and Serena will still hook up with me! I'm made of win!
Marcus: I'm English! Hear my accent! SOO English!
Jenny: Does anyone really care about my storylines?
Vanessa: Nate! U + me = sexy sex?
Nate: Sorry, gotta wait until my gigolo-related STDs are cured.

Back to Manhattan's elite!

GG: It's hot! Notice how glistening everyone's skin is?

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Milord! Sex me?
Marcus: Please. I'm English.

The Gallery
Vanessa: I'm so desperate for a storyline! I'm willing to call Nate for sex!
Nate: GOD. I may be young and virile, but I can't keep the juices pumping 24/7. Get in line behind the woman who's willing to PAY me.

Streets of NYC
Dan: It's hot! Notice the ice cream!
Serena: Let's make out in front of that girl with a camera phone! No one will ever know about our secret relationship!

Nate: Vanessa? Sex?
Vanessa: Are you using my va-jay-jay as a distraction for your family's financial troubles?
Nate: Yours and others. But I'm using yours for free!

Waldorf Apartment
Serena: Pay attention to me, Blair! I'm dating Dan the Douche and you don't care!
Blair: I'm sorry, I'm trying to seduce an Englishman. I have bigger fish and chips to fry.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment
Nate: Me want your money, Chuck.
Chuck: Really, last week you were an asshole and now you want my money? Unless you're planning to service me, get out!

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: Life as an intern sucks! I have good taste despite the crappy unoriginal designs you see me make!

Central Park
GG Groupie #1: Dan! Your brooding and cheating ways are sexy!
GG Groupie #2: Dan! You're better than that coke-dispensing Serena!
GG Groupie #3: Dan! You're a whiny little bitch who doesn't deserve to be part of the show's central couple!

The Gallery
Vanessa: Kiss me!
Nate: I'd rather text message my sugar mommy.
Blair: Look at the cuddly! Come to my party!
Nate: Sounds like a trap.
Blair: Wow. It took two years of dating for you to realize I'm devious. Congrats.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment
Chuck: I can't get hard! Blair has ruined my sex drive!
Serena: If I show you my boobs, will you leave me alone?
Chuck: You be Marcia, I'll be Greg.
Serena: Ew.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: I can't believe the woman I work for can't design her way out of a garbage bag.
Mrs. Waldorf: Surprise! I'm here and you're fired!

Humphrey Apartment
Vanessa: Nate canceled on me!
Rufus: Show up anyway! What could go wrong?

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Hey guests! Have you all heard about how my boyfriend is English? Prince Harry! Oxford! Piccadilly Circus!
Chuck: Let's have sex!
Blair: Uh, excuse you. We're in public. But feel free to erotically grope me.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment into Elevator
Serena: You know we're meant to break up because of our awkward small talk.
Dan: You're so pretty! Pretty pretty! Did I say pretty already?
Serena: And you want to be a writer with that vocabulary? Thank GOD I'm breaking this off.

Waldorf Apartment
Catherine: Nate! Sex! Now!
Nate: Take that fifty out of my man panties!
Vanessa: Nate! Why is this older woman holding your peeper?

BLACKOUT. Fo' sho'.

Nate: Vanessa! I'm having sex with her, but I love YOU.
Vanessa: I didn't sign up to be in some creepy love triangle with you and someone's mom!*

*The actual line. The show is actually that ridiculous and self-aware.

Nate: Understand! She's paying me! And you're a dirt poor, home-schooled outcast, so I know you can't afford my rate!

Elevator
Dan: Phone people! Send help for the future Pulitzer Prize winner Daniel Humphrey!
Serena: A hint: when you name drop, make sure it's someone that people actually care about.

Waldorf Apartment
Catherine: Where's Man Bangs?
Blair: Excuse you, like I care, my party blows.
Catherine: Speaking of, you know who you won't be blowing? Marcus. 'Cause he's English. Get yourself an American gigolo while you still have an independent spending account.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: Mrs. Waldorf! Watch me suck in the up direction!
Mrs. Waldorf: Are you still here? Didn't I fire you?
Jenny: I'm like the Friday the 13th movies. I keep coming back despite horrible reviews.

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Marcus! Sex in my room. Now.
Marcus: Did my accent change back into American? No. So keep your hands away from my junk.
Blair: Whatever. I'm going to pretend you said yes. I'll be in my room. In case anyone in the general listening vicinity wants to see me slut up.

Catherine: I'm rich.
Vanessa: Ooh, I knew I was going to lose this one.

Blair: Marcus? Is that you on the edge of my doorway, despite you being shorter and with way worse fashion sense than you were minutes ago?
Chuck: ENGLISH ACCENT!
Blair: Good enough.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: I LOVE YOU, MRS. WALDORF.
Mrs. Waldorf: Don't make any sudden movements, Eleanor, or she'll pounce and use your skin for a trench coat.

Elevator
Serena: You suck, Dan!
Dan: I have arm muscles!
Serena: Aaaaaaaaaaand, you're dumped.

Waldorf Apartment

LIGHTS ON!

Nate: Where's Vanessa?
Catherine: In my special place. Want to check?

Marcus: You're making out with that motherchucker?
Blair: You won't have sex with me!
Marcus: Fine, if you just shut up, I'll do it. *under his breath* Americans.

Nate: Vanessa!
Vanessa: Stay with the mom-pimp for reasons I won't tell you but you probably should have figured out when you told her where your dad was hiding from the government.

Waldorf Workroom
Rufus: Jenny, are you okay?
Mrs. Waldorf: Oh. Maybe I should make sure Blair's alright.
Jenny: Isn't she, like, the mother of the effing year?

Elevator
Serena: The door's open! Sayonara, loser! Go back to your poor friends!

Limo
Chuck: My penis doesn't work!
Girl: Still? Then stop calling me!

Bridge
Dan: Serena and I broke up.
Vanessa: Excuse you. You didn't make out with a man whore.
Dan: At least his man-whore status matches his man bangs.

GG: I like seasons! They're seasonal!

Gossip Girl Season Premiere!

It was pretty much amazing. Here are my five favorite moments.

5. Dan walking in while Serena and Nate are kissing. Classic teen drama for a reason, and they reaped all the benefits it bestows.

4. When Blair and Serena are gossiping about the summer and Chuck walks by. Because Serena? Is pretty bad at picking up on the not-so-subtle clues Blair often drops.

3. Pretty much anything Erik said. "Yeah. Uh, 'How well do you know Blair Waldorf?' is kinda boring for those of us who actually know Blair Waldorf." Plus his turn as Jenny's gay knight in armor made for an excellent showing for Mr. Van der Woodsen. I'm so happy he's (rumored to be) getting a boy toy this season that's not a douche in the closet.

2. When James/Marcus dropped his American accent and started talking in his English lord British accent mid-sentence to an amazed Blair. ("Milord!") I sincerely hope Ed Westwick will use his real British accent to mock Marcus' at some point. BTW, Patrick Heusinger, who I cannot wait to get more of, is actually American (born in Florida), a graduate of Julliard, and recently finished doing the national tour of Spamalot.

and the best scene?

1. "Give me a reason. And 'I'm Chuck Bass' doesn't count."


Although, you know, there are still questions. Where was Vanessa? Why was PsychoBitch Granny being nice (probably because Kelly Rutherford wasn't available for filming)? Why is Nate with a cougar? Why is there so little backlash from Nate and Blair's break-up (since Chuck feels free to talk about his designs on her in front of Nate)? And why are Dan and Serena back together, especially when Dan has become even more of a judgmental jerk and probably slept with all of NYC over the summer?

But all in all, totally squeal-worthy. This season promises to be just as good, if not better, than last season.

On a One Tree Hill side note? Lucas, you picked wrong. You could have had classy, articulate Lindsay or generous, strong Brooke and you chose whiny-ass Peyton. Like I'm actually going to watch the Lucas and Peyton show. Please.

You Know You Love Me (But You Don't Know Who I Am)

GOSSIP GIRL

I will preface everything by saying I didn't read the books. Not that that should be a shocker to anyone since I have not read a novel outside of class since January and that was Princess Mia from the Princess Diaries series. I like my teen chick lit fluffy and angsty in only the most teenage way-- "Does the love of my life know I exist? Will I fail Calculus?"--because, that, my friends, is how high school worked for me. The only book I read (it had some vain title about loving oneself or being awesome or rich or something) featured Blair, I think, three pages in, talking about how rich she was and how pretty she was and how she was going to have sex with her really hot boyfriend and how she was going to get into Yale. Which is quite ridiculous and grating and so the book was shelved.

But the actual show? Pretty addictive. But, gentle reader, you ask, "What's different about the show? How is it less annoying?"

Let's just say Josh Schwartz has learned much from his years on The O.C.. He's learned to create characters (yes, he's created them and they are not nearly as vain or pompous or just plain weird as in the books) that are flawed in ways that make sure we don't hate them. But more importantly, he's learned how to weave a plot that is heightened but not One Tree Hill-ridiculous.

(GG's Serena, an excerpt: I left town because I had sex with my best friend's boyfriend and then was present when a guy overdosed on coke! And now I'm dating a social outsider!)

(OTH's Peyton, an excerpt: My mom's dead! No, that was my adoptive mom! My biological mom has cancer! She's dead! But I have a brother! He's my brother! No, he's a stalker! My actual brother's black!...and during all this time, she romanced her ex-boyfriend's brother/best friend's boyfriend, a teen parent, and Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy.)

But let's get back to the characters. While I do think all of the characters have a point (and it's a common and deadly problem when characters don't), few of them are actually compelling, even if they're all very good-looking.

Penn Badgley plays Dan. I first fell in love with him in
John Tucker Must Die. He's much hotter in Gossip Girl, though.

Serena spends most of her time looking sad. Nate is either smoking pot, trying to sex up Serena or Blair, or looking sad. Dan pretends he's not judgmental when he kicks his damaged girlfriend to the curb repeatedly. Jenny wants to be Queen Bee.

The only characters I care about are Blair, Chuck, Rufus, and Lily. BECAUSE THEY'RE INTERESTING. They change! They do unexpected things! Blair loses her virginity, but not to her boyfriend of the past million years! Chuck falls in love! Rufus and Lily combat her need for stability and cash and his desire to fix his marriage! These are characters to get behind: the ones who are not one-note but change and evolve as the season progresses.

I mean, I suppose Serena falls into that protagonist problem of lacking character but not adventure. But I wonder endlessly why we should accept boring main characters and watch shows for secondary characters only (Smallville, you must admit, stars a pretty lackluster Clark Kent and features pretty awesome backers like Chloe and Lex).

When it comes down to it (although I've articulated this all in a horribly roundabout way), Gossip Girl is not good because it takes us into the world of privilege. It's not good because of the characters. It's certainly not good because of the dialogue ("Little did I know she had a surprise waiting for me..."). But it's because of really well-woven plots with great set-ups and even greater payoffs.

Some examples:

• Eric's suicide attempt and the reveal that he's Jenny's boyfriend's boyfriend.
• Blair/Jenny power rivalry (which Blair owns).
• Serena's real secret and Georgina.
  

When Gossip Girl fails, it's because the show relies too much on the characters alone or doesn't use enough set-up. (It takes really strong characters to build a show around them and not so much the plot; see Psych.)

Examples:

• Nate/Vanessa. Charming? Yes. Believable? No.
• Serena/Dan. Completely fell into the Clark/Lana trap of having a relationship mini-trauma each episode which really made you question why the heck they were together in the first place, minor cute moments aside. You can't rely on the cute moments to pull the viewer through the crap. We remember the crap, especially if you throw it at us every episode.

So! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to watch Season One of Gossip Girl. It's fab and Blair is bringing the headband back in a good way.

On a Disney Channel Note:

Doesn't Taylor Momsen totally look like Aly Michalka from Aly & AJ?