Recap: Smallville 8x05 "Committed"

Summary:

Chloe and Jimmy have one of those photo cakes which I totally hate because even though the photo part is edible, it takes like plastic. What's wrong with delicious frosting, America? Not novel enough for you?! Bah.

Jimmy cuts off Sugar Photo Chloe's head. Now that's what I call foreplay.

Lois, ever-the-alcoholic, emerges from her drunken stupor as the only voice of reason. I mean, the sloppy, slutty voice of reason, but the voice of reason all the same. She says that Chimmy ain't soulmates. What? The next thing you'll tell me is that bacon is bad for me. Mmm. Bacon.

"Jimmy Olsen hates puppies. There. I said it. That douchebag."
(Also, how effing contrived is that ferris wheel photo?)

ANYWAY, Clark, for some reason, decides that drunk Lois is making a scene and counters all of her very valid, yet slurred, points with gag-worthy platitudes.

Chloe and Jimmy go outside to say goodbye to their guests. Chloe is impressed by how Jimmy isn't jealous of Clark anymore and how that deserves some sexytime. Jimmy's all for it. Unfortunately for Little James, a masked man comes out of nowhere and stuns them! Oh Nos!

Lois wakes up at the Kent farm in Clark's football jersey. He gives her some antacid, not aware that Lois eats pickles for her hang-overs. She tables the antacid, highly concerned that she and Clark slept together. Clark finds this idea laughable. Getting puked on by a drunk girl while having sex isn't his thing. Well, actually, sex isn't his thing.

Tess hasn't been able to find "X." Oliver shows up at the Daily Planet. Tess wants Oliver to move on; Lex taught her that. (Let's hold for a moment while the entire fandom laughs hysterically at the idea of Lex ever moving on from anything.) Oliver asks Mercy out to dinner. "A meal's just a meal," he says. Uh, not when you also send the girl dresses. They plan a dinner date for later that night.

Lois and Clark go to Chloe's apartment. No sign of Chimmy, but there are some furry handcuffs. Lois is turned on. Clark wonders if Jimmy uses them to pin down delinquent cats.

It turns out that Lois drunk dials Chloe. She deletes it before we hear it all.

"...and he's such a gentleman, cos I just showed him
my rack. My boooobies! Heehee! BOOBS."

Clark and Lois realize that Chimmy are the latest in a string of couples that have been abducted. All of them went to the same baker, stationary shop, and jewelry vendor (and, you'll notice, Chloe sports a new engagement ring in this episode).

Chimmy are tied up to electric chair lie detectors. Crazy guy says that true lovers have no secrets (uh, sure). Crazy MoFo asks Jimmy if he's cheated on Chloe. Oh, you mean like last week? He says no. Chloe gets shocked. Jimmy freaks out and backtracks. Yeah. Way to pick a winner, Chlo.

Lois comes up with the idea that she and Clark pose as a couple to find whoever is doing this. She proposes marriage. Clark looks constipated.

"Pre-nup condition #1: I keep Shelby."

Jeweler's. Lois and Clark think for some reason that all couples give each other nicknames related to food and small canines. Oliver walks in and is shocked to see Lois and Clark there. When asked for an explanation, they tell Oliver that they're getting married. Ollie doesn't take it well and gives Clark the look of "Man, Bro Code. Bros before hos!" Clark, unfamiliar with the bro code as evidenced by trying to steal his ex-best friend's fiance away from him on their wedding day, looks away awkwardly before Lois leads them out.

Back to Basement of Doom! Crazy Guy asks Chloe if she loves anyone else. She waits for an insanely long moment before saying "no." I feel like we must have been missing a subtext.

"Do you love any other self-involved, skirt-chasing photographers
who are so beneath you that the only interaction you should have with
them is when they bring you your morning coffee?"

"No. Dammit. I didn't think this engagement out, did I?"

Oliver and Mercy spar with kendo sticks before she pins him against the wall. HOT. Then they make-out. HOTTER.

Lois gets kidnapped by Crazy Guy.

Chloe and Jimmy wake up in the bed of love. Instead of, you know, freaking the hell out because they were just tortured, they decide to kiss fondly first and wax poetic about their "perfect" relationship.

Clark finds Lois in the Basement of Doom! Before Clark can free her, Crazy Mo'Fo stops him with his kryptonite jewelry. He hooks them up to his makeshift killer lie detector. Crazy Mo'Fo asks Lois if she's ever cheated on Clark. She says no. He gets shocked anyway. Uh, why? How could she be lying? See! Lie detectors are the suck and don't work.

Lois confesses that she loves Clark. (Really TPTB? REALLY?) Clark sends Crazy's green bracelet down the drain and saves Lois.

Lois and Chloe talk about how Lois is, basically, the worst person to have at an engagement party. Chloe takes Lois' bottle of crazy insanely well. Lois talks about how torn up she feels because she and Ollie fell apart (but she's NOT in love with him, because she loves Clark. Right? Right?).

Jimmy confesses to Chloe that he is not who she thinks he is...because he's the son of DRUNKS! WHAT?! Chloe briefly entertains angry thoughts but then realizes that she keeps secrets all the effing time and probably has no rationale to judge anyone else for keeping secrets, especially considering she's keeping the secret of where her own father's been since season 3. Jimmy asks Chloe if she wants to break off the engagement because guys like him don't get guys like her. Jimmy, this is SMALLVILLE. The only guys Chloe gets are annoying creeps.

After waking up from their nighttime rendezvous, Ollie is all about sexing up Tess again. He offers her jewelry he picked up after his meeting with Lois and Clark. She scoffs and says that he was just scratching her itch.

Lois and Clark have awkward elevator time where Lois says that she lied and tricked the machine. Lois says she's just glad Clark didn't have to answer. Clark has confused face.

Elevators are like flying!

1. Chimmy?

"I guess Lois left more than her White Snake albums."

It was nice to see cute Chimmy. I did like Chimmy back in season six when they were uncomplicated and cute. But, like all Chimmy-ness, it devolves into painful viewing. This episode was so pointed: Chloe doesn't love Clark anymore! Chimmy 4-eva! Why, oh WHY does every episode have to suddenly be about how strong Chloe's feelings aren't for Clark?

I feel that Lois' concerns she voiced at the engagement party really weren't addressed at all. Chloe has that feeling that she and Jimmy are forever. I also have a feeling that Chloe's being controlled by Brainaic and have stopped associating her looks with her character that I used to love.

And how LAME was that secret? Watch how much I don't care.

2. Clois?
Con-fricking-trived. Unbelievable. Too soon. Pushed too hard. I've talked about this before. Just. UGH.

3. Clollie?

The ONLY scene I liked. Absolutely hilarious.

"Wait. You're getting married? But Clark can't have sex."

"He's making an honest woman out of me because
I'm having your love child."

"Wait--WHAT?!"

4. Tellie?
It's like a mini soap opera, full of good shirtless action! I love their history, I love their banter. I love LOVE LOVE them.

5. What Happened to Plot?

Not that I don't love my soapy shippy goodness. But Smallville actually used to have plots. Adventures. Mysteries. I miss those days. I know most people probably watch this show for Justin Hartley's shirtless moments, but it never hurts to have a great FotW that isn't just a psycho with some electrical tape and pliers.