Recap: Gossip Girl 2x03 "The Dark Night"

Last time on Gossip Girl:
Dan: Wow, I can spend an entire summer banging random chicks and Serena will still hook up with me! I'm made of win!
Marcus: I'm English! Hear my accent! SOO English!
Jenny: Does anyone really care about my storylines?
Vanessa: Nate! U + me = sexy sex?
Nate: Sorry, gotta wait until my gigolo-related STDs are cured.

Back to Manhattan's elite!

GG: It's hot! Notice how glistening everyone's skin is?

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Milord! Sex me?
Marcus: Please. I'm English.

The Gallery
Vanessa: I'm so desperate for a storyline! I'm willing to call Nate for sex!
Nate: GOD. I may be young and virile, but I can't keep the juices pumping 24/7. Get in line behind the woman who's willing to PAY me.

Streets of NYC
Dan: It's hot! Notice the ice cream!
Serena: Let's make out in front of that girl with a camera phone! No one will ever know about our secret relationship!

Nate: Vanessa? Sex?
Vanessa: Are you using my va-jay-jay as a distraction for your family's financial troubles?
Nate: Yours and others. But I'm using yours for free!

Waldorf Apartment
Serena: Pay attention to me, Blair! I'm dating Dan the Douche and you don't care!
Blair: I'm sorry, I'm trying to seduce an Englishman. I have bigger fish and chips to fry.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment
Nate: Me want your money, Chuck.
Chuck: Really, last week you were an asshole and now you want my money? Unless you're planning to service me, get out!

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: Life as an intern sucks! I have good taste despite the crappy unoriginal designs you see me make!

Central Park
GG Groupie #1: Dan! Your brooding and cheating ways are sexy!
GG Groupie #2: Dan! You're better than that coke-dispensing Serena!
GG Groupie #3: Dan! You're a whiny little bitch who doesn't deserve to be part of the show's central couple!

The Gallery
Vanessa: Kiss me!
Nate: I'd rather text message my sugar mommy.
Blair: Look at the cuddly! Come to my party!
Nate: Sounds like a trap.
Blair: Wow. It took two years of dating for you to realize I'm devious. Congrats.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment
Chuck: I can't get hard! Blair has ruined my sex drive!
Serena: If I show you my boobs, will you leave me alone?
Chuck: You be Marcia, I'll be Greg.
Serena: Ew.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: I can't believe the woman I work for can't design her way out of a garbage bag.
Mrs. Waldorf: Surprise! I'm here and you're fired!

Humphrey Apartment
Vanessa: Nate canceled on me!
Rufus: Show up anyway! What could go wrong?

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Hey guests! Have you all heard about how my boyfriend is English? Prince Harry! Oxford! Piccadilly Circus!
Chuck: Let's have sex!
Blair: Uh, excuse you. We're in public. But feel free to erotically grope me.

Bass-Van der Woodsen Apartment into Elevator
Serena: You know we're meant to break up because of our awkward small talk.
Dan: You're so pretty! Pretty pretty! Did I say pretty already?
Serena: And you want to be a writer with that vocabulary? Thank GOD I'm breaking this off.

Waldorf Apartment
Catherine: Nate! Sex! Now!
Nate: Take that fifty out of my man panties!
Vanessa: Nate! Why is this older woman holding your peeper?

BLACKOUT. Fo' sho'.

Nate: Vanessa! I'm having sex with her, but I love YOU.
Vanessa: I didn't sign up to be in some creepy love triangle with you and someone's mom!*

*The actual line. The show is actually that ridiculous and self-aware.

Nate: Understand! She's paying me! And you're a dirt poor, home-schooled outcast, so I know you can't afford my rate!

Elevator
Dan: Phone people! Send help for the future Pulitzer Prize winner Daniel Humphrey!
Serena: A hint: when you name drop, make sure it's someone that people actually care about.

Waldorf Apartment
Catherine: Where's Man Bangs?
Blair: Excuse you, like I care, my party blows.
Catherine: Speaking of, you know who you won't be blowing? Marcus. 'Cause he's English. Get yourself an American gigolo while you still have an independent spending account.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: Mrs. Waldorf! Watch me suck in the up direction!
Mrs. Waldorf: Are you still here? Didn't I fire you?
Jenny: I'm like the Friday the 13th movies. I keep coming back despite horrible reviews.

Waldorf Apartment
Blair: Marcus! Sex in my room. Now.
Marcus: Did my accent change back into American? No. So keep your hands away from my junk.
Blair: Whatever. I'm going to pretend you said yes. I'll be in my room. In case anyone in the general listening vicinity wants to see me slut up.

Catherine: I'm rich.
Vanessa: Ooh, I knew I was going to lose this one.

Blair: Marcus? Is that you on the edge of my doorway, despite you being shorter and with way worse fashion sense than you were minutes ago?
Chuck: ENGLISH ACCENT!
Blair: Good enough.

Waldorf Workroom
Jenny: I LOVE YOU, MRS. WALDORF.
Mrs. Waldorf: Don't make any sudden movements, Eleanor, or she'll pounce and use your skin for a trench coat.

Elevator
Serena: You suck, Dan!
Dan: I have arm muscles!
Serena: Aaaaaaaaaaand, you're dumped.

Waldorf Apartment

LIGHTS ON!

Nate: Where's Vanessa?
Catherine: In my special place. Want to check?

Marcus: You're making out with that motherchucker?
Blair: You won't have sex with me!
Marcus: Fine, if you just shut up, I'll do it. *under his breath* Americans.

Nate: Vanessa!
Vanessa: Stay with the mom-pimp for reasons I won't tell you but you probably should have figured out when you told her where your dad was hiding from the government.

Waldorf Workroom
Rufus: Jenny, are you okay?
Mrs. Waldorf: Oh. Maybe I should make sure Blair's alright.
Jenny: Isn't she, like, the mother of the effing year?

Elevator
Serena: The door's open! Sayonara, loser! Go back to your poor friends!

Limo
Chuck: My penis doesn't work!
Girl: Still? Then stop calling me!

Bridge
Dan: Serena and I broke up.
Vanessa: Excuse you. You didn't make out with a man whore.
Dan: At least his man-whore status matches his man bangs.

GG: I like seasons! They're seasonal!

The Shipping News: Janeway and Chakotay

If you know me (or rather, if you just meet me), it's pretty obvious that I'm a romance-a-holic. I started by reading Sweet Valley High books in third grade and I just haven't stopped. The way I interpret most things is by shipping. I posted a master list of my TV ships at my lj, although it hasn't been updated. But a list, dear friends, only covers so much. So, much like my Canceled, But Not Forgotten feature where I educate you on my passions, I will briefly give you the overviews of my favorite ships. There won't be a particular order to them, really just what I feel like analyzing at the moment. But, the honor of the first ship covered must belong to my first ship.

Note: This entry got massively long. Don't expect that in the future. I just really felt like a owed them a good post.

Kathryn Janeway/Chakotay (J/C)
Star Trek: Voyager

A lot of my ships follow patterns: best friends love, geek love, partner love. But the one that I support in a strangely passionate manner is commanding officer/subordinate love. To a very disturbing degree (I support Kate/Gibbs from NCIS, for crying out loud). Let's start with the show and characters, in case you aren't familiar or need a Voyager update.

Star Trek: Voyager

On the brink of the Dominion War (see: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), the new Intrepid class starship Voyager is sent to find a missing Maquis vessel that has a undercover Starfleet agent on it. The Maquis are a guerrilla group that opposes the inhumane acts of the Cardassians and are violating Starfleet's treaty with Cardassia. Both ships are mysteriously transported to the Delta Quadrant, 70,000 light years away from home. Their only chance of making it back is to join together and create a united crew. This means combining the leadership of the two ships: a Starfleet captain and a Maquis first officer.

Captain Kathryn Janeway

Janeway was primarily known not for her command decisions,
but her hair choices. This is her Season 4+ short 'do, which
Katy and I always joked was hairsprayed until it would
not move, even if she shook her head.

Born in rural Indiana, Janeway started as a science officer before switching to command track. She was the captain of Voyager. She had kind of an unholy love of coffee. She was the first Star Trek show to be helmed by a woman (Deep Space Nine before her was under the command of the first black captain...oh! How apropos!), and it really informed a lot of her character.

A point of contention with Janeway's character is how mercurial it was and not nearly as consistent as, say, Picard's was. I say that you can chalk this up to writers having difficulty writing a female character. Despite the fact that she lived in a future that was, ideally, free of racism and sexism, she starred on a show that aired in an era that was still sexist. They would make her a surrogate maternal figure in some senses (Kes, Seven of Nine), but then they would make her equally cut-throat ("Scorpin," "Equinox"). Admittedly, it's the same line that female leaders have to tread all the time, something that resonates more today than it did when Voyager aired. Janeway couldn't be like Picard, who actively tried to detach from his underlings (although, Picard eventually learned better; cue "All Good Things..." and the super-satisfying final poker game). She had to be a friend and a leader, which is a harder line to toe. Janeway couldn't be like Kirk, having sex with every hot thing on each planet they visited because she would be declared a terrible role model and a disgrace.

Romantically, all of these issues led Janeway to be one of the most repressed characters on the show other than the resident Vulcan, Tuvok. Before she found out that her fiance had married in her absence, she used him as a reason to avoid relationships. After, she rarely indulged, and usually if she did, it was on the holodeck or due to memory loss.

The only character with whom she enjoyed a consistent flirtation was her first officer, Chakotay.

Commander Chakotay

Chakotay also had hair issues. Mostly, he was graying very well
(Jack O'Neill well) and then started to dye it. Ew. This was made
even more hilarious when Seska commented in Season Seven
that she liked him older with a little grey and he wasn't grey. At all.

Chakotay grew up on a Native American planet (in the future, instead of reservations, they got planets). The commanding officer of the Maquis vessel, Chakotay was a Starfleet commander before the Cardassians destroyed his home planet and he resigned in order to fight them. Chakotay was essential in melding the two crews together; he served as a moral and spiritual adviser, someone who understood the Starfleet agenda just as well as he understood the rights of all living creatures, regulations be damned.

Chakotay is often accused of being boring as a piece of wood, hence his nickname Oak Yacht (an anagram of Chakotay that I find ridiculously clever). I say the only reason for that is the "OMG, Seven of Nine is so hot and conflicted, let's dedicate four whole seasons of episodes to her!" dilemma that plagued most of the characters (did Tuvok, Neelix, or Harry do anything notable once Seven was on the show?). In the first three seasons, Chakotay is a very rich character as you see him explore his culture and spiritual dilemmas, as well as embark on his anthropological missions (which, to me, always seemed more in character than Picard's).

Despite whatever character degredations that may have occurred, Chakotay never ceased to be Janeway's right-hand man.

"An Ancient Legend"
"Three years ago I didn't even know your name... today I couldn't imagine a day without you."
– Janeway (Scorpion, Part One)

When it came to their actual relationship, Chakotay served as the moral compass and sounding board for Janeway; Voyager was always going to be facing a particularly hazardous two-parter if Janeway and Chakotay disagreed. Together, they were an unbeatable team. It was pretty obvious that the show was setting them up romantically, and many fans were eagerly awaiting a delicious series finale pay-off, despite Kate Mulgrew's (Janeway) assertions that she was not a supporter and that it wouldn't happen because it wasn't appropriate. (Was she not aware of Picard/Crusher during The Next Generation? Sexism, I say!) Thusly, we got Chakotay/Seven instead, the worst pairing since Worf/Troi, possibly even worse due to the fact that there would never be Voyager movies made to rectify it.

Despite the awful ending, looking back, the J/C (or JetC, as it is also commonly referred to) relationship was full of beautiful moments. Here are a few of my favorites.

"Resolutions"

THE J/C episode of all time. Once you watch it, there's no other option. You have to ship it. Janeway and Chakotay are in the most cliche situation ever, stuck on a planet together until they can find a cure for their mysterious illness. So much goodness happens. He makes her a bathtub! He gives her a massage! They garden! But the most important scene is the one where tells her an "ancient legend." Let's set the scene.

Sexy massage!

Wow! That was...wow. I've got, uh, stuff to do. In my bedroom. Right now.

I do give good massage.

Woe! Alack! Notice my distraught hand upon my conflicted forehead!

Okay, buddy. We've got to talk. About us. But in a thinly metaphorical way.

You think I give good massage? I give even better metaphor.

Janeway: I think we have to define some parameters... About us.
Chakotay: I'm not sure I can... define parameters. But I can tell you a story... an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe. A warrior who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he struggled with his discontent. The only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day, he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful, and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace.
Janeway: Is that really an ancient legend?
Chakotay: No, but that made it easier to say.

And then they had sex.

*hits the floor in a gooey mess*

Okay, so they didn't have sex. But they totally wanted to do the deed.

That scene sets up and defines their relationship. Janeway relies on him, but needs to keep everything professional. Chakotay is always there for her, supporting her, waiting for her to finally open up.

"The Q and the Grey"

Chakotay: Have you heard anything more from Q?
Janeway: No. I wish I could believe he's gone for good.
Chakotay: I was wondering just what you meant when you said he made a personal request.
Janeway: He wants me to mate with him.
Chakotay: I see.
Janeway: Obviously, it's out of the question. And I suspect it's a smokescreen. Knowing Q, he's probably got some hidden agenda.
Chakotay: Maybe.

She can't keep her hands off of him! Also, note Janeway's rocking Season Three hair!

Janeway: Chakotay.
Chakotay: I know I don't have any right to feel this way, but this bothers the hell out of me.

John de Lancie! Work your fabulous omnipotent self!

Q: (suddenly appears) I do believe you're jealous. (to Janeway) Why didn't you tell me there was another man?
Janeway: Because there isn't. I'm just not interested in you.
Chakotay: Any more questions?
Q: I was wondering, Kathy. What could anyone possibly see in this big oaf, anyway? Is it the tattoo? Because mine's bigger.

Janeway: Not big enough.

DENIED.

So. Funny.

The Q, for those unaware, are like the Mr. Mxyzptlk of Star Trek, only if he had a concept of universal justice. They can be funny or downright terrifying, but they always make good TV.

"Coda"

Janeway dies and becomes a ghost. Okay, so it's all in her head. But we still get Chakotay giving her CPR and crying his eyes out, even if it's just her imagination.

Effing heartbreaking, y'all.

"Scorpion"

Remember when I was talking about dramatic two-parters? This is the motherload. Okay, so it's not quite as dramatic as "Equinox" where Janeway almost kills a man, but this is the first time Chakotay so openly questions Janeway's judgment and it really wreaks havoc on her.

Janeway: Maybe helping the Borg assimilate them isn't such a bad idea - we may be doing the Delta Quadrant a favor.
Chakotay: I don't think you really believe that. I think you're struggling to justify your plan because your desire to get this crew home is blinding you to other options. I know you, Kathryn. Sometimes... you don't know when to step back.
Janeway: Do you trust me, Chakotay?
Chakotay: That isn't the issue...
Janeway: Oh, but it is. Only yesterday you were saying that we'd face this together - that you'd be at my side.

Chakotay: I still have to tell you what I believe. I'm no good to you if I don't do that.
Janeway: I appreciate your insights, but the time for debate is over. I've made my decision - now... do I have your support?
Chakotay: You're the captain. I'm your first officer. I'll follow your orders, but that doesn't change my belief that we're making a fatal mistake.

Janeway: Then I guess I am alone, after all.

*wibble*

"The Year of Hell"

One of the reasons I love science fiction is because we can have alternate universes and time travel and reap the lovely benefits.

"The Year of Hell" is one of my favorite episodes. It details just that: it shows Voyager over the course of a year as it faces a losing battle against a time-changing villain, played by the dad from That 70's Show. Plus it's J/C-licious (thanks Project Runway's Blayne!).

Chakotay: Happy birthday.
Janeway: Happy what?
Chakotay: Today is May 20th.
Janeway: Is it? I thought we were still in April. Guess I've lost track of the time.
Chakotay: Well, this should help.
Janeway: It's beautiful.

Chakotay: Nineteenth century, mechanical movement. It's a replica of the chronometer worn by Captain Cray of the British Navy. His ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed but eight months later, Cray sailed his ship into London harbor. There wasn't much left of it, a few planks, half a sail, but he got his crew home.
Janeway: I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't keep this. Recycle it. Can't afford to waste energy on non-essentials.
Chakotay: Kathryn, I replicated this months ago. I've been saving it. I wanted you to have it.

Janeway: That watch represents a meal, a hypospray, or a pair of boots. It could mean the difference between life and death one day.

The set-up is sad (just take the watch, Janeway!), but the pay-off makes it even more tear-inducing. After Chakotay has been captured, Janeway searches in Chakotay's quarters.


Janeway: (quietly, to self) You disobeyed orders.
Neelix: Captain?
Janeway: Chakotay gave this to me five months ago. A birthday gift. I ordered him to... (She attaches it to her belt.)

Janeway: What do you think?
Neelix: Handsome.

"Hunters"

After managing contact with the Alpha Quadrant for the first time in four years, Janeway's fiance notifies her that he's gotten married.

Janeway: On top of all that, I got a Dear John letter. It wasn't really a surprise. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me considering the circumstances. It made me realize that I was using him as a safety net, you know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else.
Chakotay: You don't have that safety net anymore.
Janeway: That's right. Then again, my life is far from uneventful here in the Delta Quadrant. It's not like I would have had a chance to pursue a relationship even if I had realized I was alone.

Chakotay: You're hardly alone, and to my way of thinking, there's still plenty of time.
Janeway: Plenty of time.

"You don't have that safety net anymore"? Please. He's totally coming onto her. Why must Janeway deny it? Grr.

"Muse"

They're not even in this scene, but it's wonderful. B'Elanna is on a planet and must tell stories of Voyager in order to get the materials she needs to get back to Voyager. The playwright she's telling the stories to creates this little masterpiece:

Actress!Janeway: Chakotay, why must I be denied what every other female officer on this ship can have?
Actor!Chakotay: Captain?
Actress!Janeway: The privilege of your touch.

I laughed sooooooo hard when I first saw that. Classic!

But what really sells it is B'Elanna's reaction.

I have read fan fiction written by kittens that cut themselves
that are better than this dribble.

"Unimatrix Zero"

Janeway is about to go on a suicide mission.

Janeway: Guess I'd better be going, huh?

Chakotay: Anything you'd like done around here while you're gone? Gravity plating re-calibrated? Carpets cleaned?
Janeway: Surprise me... You have the bridge.

After some thought, I've decided that this is probably my favorite J/C scene. Janeway and Chakotay are at their best when they are just talking to each other because it shows how second nature their relationship is. They're perfectly comfortable with each other and trust each other implicitly. It's her final moment on the bridge and you could swear that the two of them were the only ones on deck.

"Shattered"

Due to a temporal division of the ship, Season Seven Chakotay and Season One Janeway must save the ship. This is one of my favorite episodes of Voyager in general because it's really rewarding to see how far the characters have come. It's also great to get an entire episode cemented in the Janeway and Chakotay relationship. The best part is how Janeway initially doesn't trust Chakotay, not knowing him at all, and by the end of the episode has realized what ridiculous chemistry they have, culminating in this scene.

Janeway; Mind if I ask you one last question?
Chakotay: Will I have to break the Temporal Prime Directive to answer it?
Janeway: Maybe, just a little. For two people who started off as enemies, it seems we get to know each other pretty well. So I've been wondering. Just how close do we get?

Chakotay: Let's just say there are some barriers we never cross.

What's great about this scene is not Chakotay's answer (which is negative). It's the fact that Janeway asks. Her memory of the past episode will be wiped in minutes and the one question she wants answered is whether she and Chakotay get together. Janeway is notorious for hating time travel and not wanting to know details, but in this one scene, for something not so significant in the universal sense, she wants to know. It's telling, I think, of how attracted she is to him, especially the in the brief disappointment that crosses her face when he answers in the negative.

The final play of this moment is in the final scene of the episode, when Janeway asks what happened. Chakotay responds, "We've been down this road before. You wanting answers to questions you shouldn't ask."

That line kills me every time. There's a bit of defensiveness and bitterness in that line. Season One Janeway's question affected him deeply.

This episode, plus Chakotay's shocked reaction to Janeway's relationship in "Workforce," put the final kibosh on romantic J/C. It's pretty obvious that Chakotay has been waiting seven years for Janeway to show any sign of reciprocation and she's denied him at every turn.

And I think, in a way, Janeway always expected Chakotay to wait. She is very hurt in "Endgame" when she learned about Chakotay and Seven's relationship (how telling is it that her future self uses C/7 as a way to encourage her past self to change the future?) and the way Admiral Janeway visited Chakotay's grave is crackling with emotion.

Post-Endgame, the future wasn't set. I don't think it would be that out-of-the-box crazy to think that Chakotay and Janeway would eventually get together. I just regret that we never got to see it play out on-screen.

Note: While I was looking up screencaps and quotes for this entry, I found out that in a recent Star Trek book, Janeway was killed off and the publishers are treating it as canon. For the rest of Voyager publishing history. Really, all that can be said is WTF. What a stupid idea. When you are given time travel and alternate universes, you pick to make something that stupid book canon? Stupid.

A Special, Final Note

I would not say necessarily that without my supreme love for Janeway/Chakotay I would not be the fangirl today. But it certainly played a huge part. Every fangirl has that moment when she embarks online and looks for people who support her loves, wondering if she is alone in the world and finding out that she that she is far from as crazy as she thought she was. It didn't even occur to me that people actually wrote down what they wished their favorite characters would do. To each other. (C'mon! An essential part of fangirl-ness is when you only read the angsty, NC-17 crap that you can't get enough of and then force yourself out of for the sheer fact that in the future you need to take yourself seriously.) For me, that fangirl moment happened with Janeway/Chakotay.

It's funny how it all evolves. Before embarking on this adventure into fandom, Katy and I would talk about how awesome it was that Tom and B'Elanna were together, or how crazy cool it was when Tom got injured and people had to take care of his basketcase of insecurity. After, we realized that we were shipping and dying for more hurt/comfort. ("What does that say about us?" turned into "Let's write stories! Lots of stories! On school laptops! And get caught! And have our English teacher read them and judge us!"...oh, middle school...)

Tom Paris gets stabbed! Sigh. What a great episode.

This small taste of fandom was before the time where I watched every show known to man. I really just watched Voyager and Digimon. But shortly after the internet gave me the glory that was J/C, I became a TV fanatic, knowing full well that every show must have some semblance of a fandom to support my addiction. For this, Star Trek: Voyager will always be in my heart of hearts, despite a lot of its issues. It's the show that really made all of my crazy fan fun possible by feeding creativity into my viewing. Thank you, Voyager. You rock my socks.

Billie Piper: Singing Sensation?

Did everyone else know that Billie Piper was a hit pop star in Britain? Is this something I should have known? Like if I were on a roof with my friends drinking cocktails, I'd look down at Billie Piper and think "Oh! Look at that British actress/pop star!" Or am I normal for previously being in the dark about this?

Did she and John "Jack Harkness" Barrowman have a sing-off? And if not, WHY NOT?! Not even a Christmas special hosted by Graham Norton?

A Sample:

Day and Night



It's reminiscent of "(You Drive Me) Crazy." She's very late 90's. Slightly robotic/group voice, pulsing beats, dancing like it's everyone's business. I'm a little in love with it. (But again, I went to a Backstreet Boys concert. This summer. 2008.)

I always tell myself I shouldn't be surprised by stuff like this. Like when the West End Marius was being played by the blonde guy from S Club 7. But yet, they always do.

Be Her Captain Picard...

Cruel Intentions (1999)


Mr. Warden, may I just say...

THIS MOVIE ROCKS. The plot is delicious; the cast is wonderful. Sarah Michelle Gellar is a bit of a bitch throwback; her formal language and insincere tone are fabulous. Selma Blair is completely hilarious. For Gossip Girl fans, Ryan Phillippe is Chuck Bass, pre- and post-Blair. Not to mention we have Joshua Jackson and Eric Mabius. ("The man can barely write out a grocery list, let alone a letter. What was I thinking?"). And Sean Patrick Thomas! ("I got you off the streets!"/"I live at 59th and Park." Zing!)

There were only three parts that I really didn't care for. First of all, Annette gives up her virginity pretty quickly; what about Trevor, the backpacking boyfriend? Do we ever find out about him? And for a girl who is pretty adamant about saving it for love and professing that teenagers can't feel love, she hands it to a boy she's barely even kissed without too much resistance. Really? You don't even want to date him once or twice before sleeping with him?

And then, whatever happened to Court? Cecile's life is hardly ruined; she may have a venereal disease, but she's not ruined. And we don't see Court or others dissing her. In fact, we never see him and Cecile together, and one assumes that once Cecile and Ronald are together, Cecile isn't even seeing Court socially. Of all the characters Kathryn wants to manipulate and the only one she out-and-out wants to destroy, Court is the only one who emerges unscathed.

Finally, what was with the ending? Admittedly, the heroic death of Sebastian is a little much for me (although it's in Dangerous Liaisons, so I guess they had to have it), but despite that, who walks out of a funeral en masse, even if there are tawdy rags of gossip outside?

The one thing that I would have wanted to be explored more is Sebastian's love for Kathryn. There's no doubt that she's the one he's talking about when he breaks up with Annette; it is her approval that he seeks for the entire movie and he even writes "My Love" by the photo of her in his journal. While her "I don't f*** losers" was bitchery personified, I think they should have had sex. He won the bet and she really had no grounds for withholding his prize. Also, is there a greater realization that he loves Annette than to have his one dream of having sex with Kathryn be completely underwhelming or even painful?

One last point: Did anyone else kinda adore Kathryn's allusion dropping as much as I did? "I'm the Marcia F***ing Brady of the Upper East Side." "Silly rabbit." And my all time favorite:

Kathryn: "Be her Captain Picard, Valmont...boldly go where no man has gone before."

Priceless.

Miss Melissa on Party Crashing...

It's not classy. It will never be classy, no matter what Vince Vaughn wants you to think.

Especially not classy is crashing a political party's party. Not only does it make you look crazy, but it makes you look rude, selfish, and guerilla-esque. It hurts your point more than it helps and it's just NOT CLASSY. You have outlets for protest thanks to American free speech. If you don't agree with a candidate, use the appropriate channels.

Thank you, John McCain, for showing some bite along with a hefty serving of grace. You might be bonkers for backing Sarah Palin, but you handled the situation well against people who obviously have no common civility:

"My friends, my dear friends ... please, please don't be diverted by the ground noise and the static. I'm going to talk about it some more, but Americans want us to stop yelling at each other."

C'mon, people. Pull yourselves together. Be political, but be classy.

90210: Yay or Nay?

So, I never watched Beverly Hills 90210. Thusly, I can't really say much about it in comparison to the original. I come to this with an unbiased eye. I mean, as unbiased as you can be after staying up past midnight to watch the premiere after it was preempted for lots of baseball.

It was...eh. Alright, I suppose. The people are pretty enough, even if they represent their stereotypes a bit too clearly. I mean, I'm willing to watch it until House and NCIS premiere. But let's face it: I love me some attractive doctors and snarky federal agents over mediocre teen drama. Unless it's Smallville. And that is just a terrible addiction that I need to get over.

Things to watch for:

1. Dustin Milligan as Ethan Ward. Really, Ethan is written as a complete douche. You first meet him as he's getting a blow job from a girl who is not his girlfriend. Next, he's lying to his lacrosse coach about who was responsible for a fight on the field. He's not pretty enough to get away for being a tool, so you're pretty sure you're never, ever going to like him because there's no way for him to bounce back. And then everything changes. He takes back his lie, gets called out on the cheating, and then has several pleasantly gooey-stomach-inducing scenes with the new Brenda, Annie. It's like Dustin finally takes control of a script that could only make people hate him and turns on the school-boy charm. The best part? When he asks Annie if they're friends at the pool, he's so pseudo-casually earnest. And then when he brings the pentapus they won at a fair two summers previous, only to see Annie macking on her theatre co-star...it was the only moment in the entire episode where I felt even the tiniest bit moved. He's going to be the Nathan Scott of the show, I'm sure: starts douche-y and ends up being one of your favorites through sheepish smiles and romantic gestures.

2. Ryan Eggold as Ryan Matthews. He's your typical cool, young, hip teacher. His delivery and charisma are entrancing. However, just like Ethan, he errs on the side of douche. He is overly judgmental about his students and says things that are waaay off-base that a teacher should never say, like calling out a student on her vapid lifestyle when she's actually struggling financially and is a drug addict. But again. The script is jerkier than the portrayal.
3. The school is the same one from Buffy.
4. Their school musical is Spring Awakening.
5. There is a strong parental storyline. Daddy Wilson has a adult son with the popular girl's mother! Will he contact him?

Okay. So the most of the things I liked are fairly shallow: men and entertainment associations. But that's because 90210 doesn't have the edginess of the elite society with their parties and their fashion like Gossip Girl or a strong initial premise like, well, any other show. "Two kids move to LA from Kansas" is pretty weak, especially if the storylines can no longer shock. But there is a potential for major drama, plus Shannon Doherty (or is that redundant?), so it's worth checking out before everything else premieres.

Gossip Girl Season Premiere!

It was pretty much amazing. Here are my five favorite moments.

5. Dan walking in while Serena and Nate are kissing. Classic teen drama for a reason, and they reaped all the benefits it bestows.

4. When Blair and Serena are gossiping about the summer and Chuck walks by. Because Serena? Is pretty bad at picking up on the not-so-subtle clues Blair often drops.

3. Pretty much anything Erik said. "Yeah. Uh, 'How well do you know Blair Waldorf?' is kinda boring for those of us who actually know Blair Waldorf." Plus his turn as Jenny's gay knight in armor made for an excellent showing for Mr. Van der Woodsen. I'm so happy he's (rumored to be) getting a boy toy this season that's not a douche in the closet.

2. When James/Marcus dropped his American accent and started talking in his English lord British accent mid-sentence to an amazed Blair. ("Milord!") I sincerely hope Ed Westwick will use his real British accent to mock Marcus' at some point. BTW, Patrick Heusinger, who I cannot wait to get more of, is actually American (born in Florida), a graduate of Julliard, and recently finished doing the national tour of Spamalot.

and the best scene?

1. "Give me a reason. And 'I'm Chuck Bass' doesn't count."


Although, you know, there are still questions. Where was Vanessa? Why was PsychoBitch Granny being nice (probably because Kelly Rutherford wasn't available for filming)? Why is Nate with a cougar? Why is there so little backlash from Nate and Blair's break-up (since Chuck feels free to talk about his designs on her in front of Nate)? And why are Dan and Serena back together, especially when Dan has become even more of a judgmental jerk and probably slept with all of NYC over the summer?

But all in all, totally squeal-worthy. This season promises to be just as good, if not better, than last season.

On a One Tree Hill side note? Lucas, you picked wrong. You could have had classy, articulate Lindsay or generous, strong Brooke and you chose whiny-ass Peyton. Like I'm actually going to watch the Lucas and Peyton show. Please.