Chloe and Jimmy have one of those photo cakes which I totally hate because even though the photo part is edible, it takes like plastic. What's wrong with delicious frosting, America? Not novel enough for you?! Bah.
Jimmy cuts off Sugar Photo Chloe's head. Now that's what I call foreplay.
Lois, ever-the-alcoholic, emerges from her drunken stupor as the only voice of reason. I mean, the sloppy, slutty voice of reason, but the voice of reason all the same. She says that Chimmy ain't soulmates. What? The next thing you'll tell me is that bacon is bad for me. Mmm. Bacon.
"Jimmy Olsen hates puppies. There. I said it. That douchebag." (Also, how effing contrived is that ferris wheel photo?)
ANYWAY, Clark, for some reason, decides that drunk Lois is making a scene and counters all of her very valid, yet slurred, points with gag-worthy platitudes.
Chloe and Jimmy go outside to say goodbye to their guests. Chloe is impressed by how Jimmy isn't jealous of Clark anymore and how that deserves some sexytime. Jimmy's all for it. Unfortunately for Little James, a masked man comes out of nowhere and stuns them! Oh Nos!
Lois wakes up at the Kent farm in Clark's football jersey. He gives her some antacid, not aware that Lois eats pickles for her hang-overs. She tables the antacid, highly concerned that she and Clark slept together. Clark finds this idea laughable. Getting puked on by a drunk girl while having sex isn't his thing. Well, actually, sex isn't his thing.
Tess hasn't been able to find "X." Oliver shows up at the Daily Planet. Tess wants Oliver to move on; Lex taught her that. (Let's hold for a moment while the entire fandom laughs hysterically at the idea of Lex ever moving on from anything.) Oliver asks Mercy out to dinner. "A meal's just a meal," he says. Uh, not when you also send the girl dresses. They plan a dinner date for later that night.
Lois and Clark go to Chloe's apartment. No sign of Chimmy, but there are some furry handcuffs. Lois is turned on. Clark wonders if Jimmy uses them to pin down delinquent cats.
It turns out that Lois drunk dials Chloe. She deletes it before we hear it all.
"...and he's such a gentleman, cos I just showed him my rack. My boooobies! Heehee! BOOBS."
Clark and Lois realize that Chimmy are the latest in a string of couples that have been abducted. All of them went to the same baker, stationary shop, and jewelry vendor (and, you'll notice, Chloe sports a new engagement ring in this episode).
Chimmy are tied up to electric chair lie detectors. Crazy guy says that true lovers have no secrets (uh, sure). Crazy MoFo asks Jimmy if he's cheated on Chloe. Oh, you mean like last week? He says no. Chloe gets shocked. Jimmy freaks out and backtracks. Yeah. Way to pick a winner, Chlo.
Lois comes up with the idea that she and Clark pose as a couple to find whoever is doing this. She proposes marriage. Clark looks constipated.
"Pre-nup condition #1: I keep Shelby."
Jeweler's. Lois and Clark think for some reason that all couples give each other nicknames related to food and small canines. Oliver walks in and is shocked to see Lois and Clark there. When asked for an explanation, they tell Oliver that they're getting married. Ollie doesn't take it well and gives Clark the look of "Man, Bro Code. Bros before hos!" Clark, unfamiliar with the bro code as evidenced by trying to steal his ex-best friend's fiance away from him on their wedding day, looks away awkwardly before Lois leads them out.
Back to Basement of Doom! Crazy Guy asks Chloe if she loves anyone else. She waits for an insanely long moment before saying "no." I feel like we must have been missing a subtext.
"Do you love any other self-involved, skirt-chasing photographers who are so beneath you that the only interaction you should have with them is when they bring you your morning coffee?"
"No. Dammit. I didn't think this engagement out, did I?"
Oliver and Mercy spar with kendo sticks before she pins him against the wall. HOT. Then they make-out. HOTTER.
Lois gets kidnapped by Crazy Guy.
Chloe and Jimmy wake up in the bed of love. Instead of, you know, freaking the hell out because they were just tortured, they decide to kiss fondly first and wax poetic about their "perfect" relationship.
Clark finds Lois in the Basement of Doom! Before Clark can free her, Crazy Mo'Fo stops him with his kryptonite jewelry. He hooks them up to his makeshift killer lie detector. Crazy Mo'Fo asks Lois if she's ever cheated on Clark. She says no. He gets shocked anyway. Uh, why? How could she be lying? See! Lie detectors are the suck and don't work.
Lois confesses that she loves Clark. (Really TPTB? REALLY?) Clark sends Crazy's green bracelet down the drain and saves Lois.
Lois and Chloe talk about how Lois is, basically, the worst person to have at an engagement party. Chloe takes Lois' bottle of crazy insanely well. Lois talks about how torn up she feels because she and Ollie fell apart (but she's NOT in love with him, because she loves Clark. Right? Right?).
Jimmy confesses to Chloe that he is not who she thinks he is...because he's the son of DRUNKS! WHAT?! Chloe briefly entertains angry thoughts but then realizes that she keeps secrets all the effing time and probably has no rationale to judge anyone else for keeping secrets, especially considering she's keeping the secret of where her own father's been since season 3. Jimmy asks Chloe if she wants to break off the engagement because guys like him don't get guys like her. Jimmy, this is SMALLVILLE. The only guys Chloe gets are annoying creeps.
After waking up from their nighttime rendezvous, Ollie is all about sexing up Tess again. He offers her jewelry he picked up after his meeting with Lois and Clark. She scoffs and says that he was just scratching her itch.
Lois and Clark have awkward elevator time where Lois says that she lied and tricked the machine. Lois says she's just glad Clark didn't have to answer. Clark has confused face.
Elevators are like flying!
1. Chimmy?
"I guess Lois left more than her White Snake albums."
It was nice to see cute Chimmy. I did like Chimmy back in season six when they were uncomplicated and cute. But, like all Chimmy-ness, it devolves into painful viewing. This episode was so pointed: Chloe doesn't love Clark anymore! Chimmy 4-eva! Why, oh WHY does every episode have to suddenly be about how strong Chloe's feelings aren't for Clark?
I feel that Lois' concerns she voiced at the engagement party really weren't addressed at all. Chloe has that feeling that she and Jimmy are forever. I also have a feeling that Chloe's being controlled by Brainaic and have stopped associating her looks with her character that I used to love.
And how LAME was that secret? Watch how much I don't care.
2. Clois? Con-fricking-trived. Unbelievable. Too soon. Pushed too hard. I've talked about this before. Just. UGH.
3. Clollie?
The ONLY scene I liked. Absolutely hilarious.
"Wait. You're getting married? But Clark can't have sex."
"He's making an honest woman out of me because I'm having your love child."
"Wait--WHAT?!"
4. Tellie? It's like a mini soap opera, full of good shirtless action! I love their history, I love their banter. I love LOVE LOVE them.
5. What Happened to Plot?
Not that I don't love my soapy shippy goodness. But Smallville actually used to have plots. Adventures. Mysteries. I miss those days. I know most people probably watch this show for Justin Hartley's shirtless moments, but it never hurts to have a great FotW that isn't just a psycho with some electrical tape and pliers.
That was...amazing. Hilarious. I had an incredible time.
ALSO, I totally won the High School Musical 3 soundtrack from JustJared. It only took over 100 comments and an hour of my time, but I totally won. I can't tell you how much that increases my love of the film.
P.S.: The video quality isn't too high on some of these vids. I'll be updating them with better ones when they become available. For the in-theatre ones, the video gives you the gist, although the audio will probably deafen you. Also, some are in French.
Summary:
We open up on the state basketball championship. The Wildcats are getting beaten like scrambled eggs and all mopey. At the time out, Coach Bolton (suffering from the Lizzie McGuire Movie curse of bad movie hair) reminds them that they have only 16 minutes left to play ball as Wildcats. Ever. He then turns it over to the captains. And you think, wait, isn't Troy the captain? And then you remember it's a Disney movie and you can share everything.
Troy and Chad stand at the front. Troy gives an inspiring speech about guts and glory and 16 minutes and Chad just stares blankly ahead before starting a "What Team?!" "Wildcats!" cheer. "Now or Never" starts playing and I'm already bubbling with excitement.
The Wildcats start whooping White Knight ass. Troy gets fouled and the song slows down into his reverie. He doesn't know if he has the strength to do it. BUT WAIT! Gabriella pops out of the crowd like a daisy and sings her support. Troy scores.
After scoring lots of points, they only need to make one more basket. Troy's being ganged up upon, so he suggests bringing in "The Rocket," who turns out to be a boy with incredibly long bangs who seems like he is one step away from saying "DUDE" ala Keanu Reeves. The Rocket scores. WILDCATS WIN!
Party at the Boltons'! Aly and AJ are playing as Troy and Chad get various congratulations.
Troy and Gabriella hide away in his tree house which she's never been in despite over a year of dating. They lament how he's going to University of Albuquerque and she's going to Stanford. Shucks. Long distance sucks. Troy looks down sadly with a face that could only mean "I need to break out in song." The face manifests into "Right Here, Right Now" which is cute, but would be my selection of the Troy/Gabriella duet to cut in order to give other people more screen time. She ends up in his arms and before he can kiss her, she squirms away and makes fun of his robot. Added to the reasons I dislike Gabriella.
School! The Next Day! Sharpay comes to school in her pink pink pink car. (Although, you sort of wonder how Ryan got to school.) Boys faint. She's hot. She asks Troy how the game was before getting distracted and heading out. Zeke is smitten. Well, she IS fabulous.
Sharpay is greeted by new British exchange student Tiara Gold. Other than having a name that I used for my fake princesses in my fourth-grade scribbles, she's more than willing to be Sharpay's personal assistant. Sharpay embraces slave labor and accepts.
Homeroom with Ms. Darbus. Apparently no one signed up for the spring musical, so Kelsi just signed everyone up in order to prevent a Sharpay one-woman show. That's right. Guilt your friends into the musical.
Everyone is pissed off (I wonder why). Gabriella says that they should do the musical because it'll be their last show together. No one agrees. Troy says that they should do the musical because it'll be their last show together. Everyone thinks it's a great idea.
Ms. Darbus loves the idea of everyone being involved, especially since Julliard is coming to see (hahahaha! because that's how Julliard works) four candidates for their scholarship: Sharpay, Ryan, Kelsi...and Troy. Basketball guys laugh. The entire theatre's audience laughs. Troy looks like he's been shot.
Sharpay is livid. She wants that Julliard scholarship, so she convinces Ryan to help her get ahold of the duet Kelsi's writing for Troy and Gabriella so that they can sing it. (Seriously. Sharpay and Ryan's duets are far too incestuous and not nearly self-aware enough.) They sing "I Want It All" to talk about how their lives will change after they attend Julliard. It's a high-power, flashy number that is theatrical and full of spectacle. My favorite part? Troy being a rabid Sharpay fan, tattoo and all.
The next day, Gabi is all stressed out about how the musical is the same time as the Stanford honor program's summer learning fun program. Troy, oblivious, pulls Gabriella onto the roof where she helps him pick a blazer for prom (uh, don't they usually come with pants? also, all of them except the black one look tacky as hell) in their Rooftop Arboretum of Love. He's worried because he can't waltz, since that's the kind of dancing the kids do at prom. (To quote my AP Euro teacher: "When I was in high school, parents were worried about teens getting pregnant after prom. Now, I'm worried that you'll get pregnant on the dance floor.") Gabriella teaches him how to dance as they sing "Can I Have This Dance," which is one of my favorite, if not my favorite, song from the movie. The dance is over-choreographed and I worry far too often about seeing Vanessa's lower lady bits, but the song is sweet and even a little sexy as they're caught in the rain.
Chad assumes that Taylor is going to prom with him, which, for Taylor, is a not the way she's being asked to prom. Finally, with the"help" of Troy, he asks her out in front of the entire cafeteria with some sad-looking flowers and she says yes.
Prom dress shopping! It's "A Night to Remember." The girls are eager, the boys are panicked. I would also panic. I mean, those dresses are worse than some you see in CW proms. In a fabulous twist, what seems like a dance number in the movie is actually a dance number in the spring musical.
Back to Ryan. Seriously. That boy has barely any screen time and he's my favoritest. Anyway. Ryan. Ryan embarks on Quest "Get Sharpay into Julliard" by cozying up with Kelsi as she's composing. They start singing her duet-in-progress "Just Wanna Be with You" before it morphs into Troy and Gabi singing it at rehearsal. It's a fab song and Ryan, inspired, asks Kelsi to prom. Does this mean he's straight? And what about Jason and Kelsi? Whatever. They're adorable.
Troy's car is a pile of crap, so he and Chad head out to the junkyard where they reminisce about their childhood together during "The Boys Are Back" which features adorable mini Chad and Troy. They rhyme "superhero" with "DeNiro." Chad thinks their duet is evidence for the strength of their teamwork when they go to UofA in the fall. Troy, on the other hand, is trying to suggest that he may go elsewhere, but his uncertainties fall on deaf ears.
Tiara finds out that Gabriella has gotten into the Stanford Awesome Young People of Learning Program and can't star in the musical. She tells Sharpay who tells Troy.
Troy hosts an impromptu picnic in Gabriella's room (because that's why teenagers sneak into each others' rooms) before he confronts her about Young Awesome Program. She's evasive, as usual, and says goodbye. While the audience thinks she's saying goodbye because, um, it's nighttime, apparently her mom thought it would be a great idea to move to California weeks before the end of her senior year. You know, so she can miss her finals and fail out. Gabriella whines in "Walk Away" how her life sucks and how she hates leaving Troy and how she just wants to rip the bandaid off.
Troy, whipped as usual, is angst to the tenth power. Chad and Mr. Bolton try to use logic ("Uh, didn't you know she was going to California? Didn't you guys discuss these issues in, like, your opening duet?";"Shouldn't you think about college?"), but Troy will have none of it. He decides to break into the building and alternate between being emo and shirtless as he sings about how he wants to "Scream." He bounds through the gym, gets attacked by falling basketballs, and then proceeds to go to the theater where he pulls at the ropes on the fly rail (I nearly had a heart attack), before screaming in the middle of the stage. Ms. Darbus is creepily sitting in the audience and tells Troy that she's the one that submitted his application to Julliard. She suggests that theatre may be his calling. Or primal screaming. Whatever.
Gabriella, biking all over Stanford montage-style, calls Troy. He's excited because she promised to fly down for prom. However, Gabriella, in her true let's-break-up-with-my-awesome-boyfriend-just-because-I-can't-put-effort-into-my-relationships style, ends their relationship because she can't take the pain. She tries to comfort him by saying, "I love you, Wildcat," but it comes out awkward and groan-worthy. Further evidence why I don't like Gabi. Seriously. One prom? Wouldn't kill you.
Troy, still whipped, drives out to Stanford and waits for Gabi in a tree. Because he thinks better there. Oh-kay. He's all tuxed out and asks her to dance ("Can I Have This Dance (Reprise)"). They're back together and actually kiss. More than once. Whoa. Scandal.
Back at the musical, Sharpay has been rehearsing Gabriella's parts. Unknown to her, Troy is running late, driving back from California with Gabi. So Troy's understudy, The Rocket, will go on for him. The Rocket attempts to make a move on Sharpay during their duet, but it fails.
The show turns out to be good, although the Julliard people are so stereotypically theatre-y they might as well be wearing berets. Gabi and Troy get back in time to redo their duet. Tiara has taken Sharpay's solo, which she will have none of, and they sing the song together. The final number is a total Waa-Mu rip-off as everyone takes the stage in graduation robes.
Ms. Darbus then proceeds to do the most awkward thing ever and puts the seniors on the spot about their futures. Ryan and Kelsi get the Julliard scholarships. Sharpay is going to UofA (??? Because there aren't OTHER good theatre schools) and will help run the drama department at East High (WHY, Ashley Tisdale, WHY?!) Troy, when under the special, confesses that he's going to attend UC Berkeley (because, schools totally let you change where you're going to attend after May 1st). Chad is pissed and leaves the stage. Troy goes to get him and finds him on the basketball court. There's bro-hug. Mr. Bolton then comes out and he and Troy father-son-hug.
Everyone graduates ("We're All In This Together (Graduation Mix)") and celebrates their last year at East High ("High School Musical").
All in all, a fabulous movie.
Additional comments:
1. Where Were Ryan and Sharpay?
In fact, where was the entire cast? The movie was so ridiculously focused on Troy and Gabriella (THREE duets? REALLY?!) that we lost a lot of the great character moments that we got in the previous movies. HSM2, in particular, was a great character movie (if not that good of an actual movie). Where were the moments that added that third dimension to the characters?
Sharpay: I love Sharpay. She's, well, fabulous. But this movie really simplified who Sharpay is. She wants to get into Julliard, so she wants to trade in her SOLO for a DUET? It's still obvious in this movie that Sharpay likes Troy a lot, but I feel without knowing the lengths she will go to in order to sing with him and how much that means to her (HSM2), it seems strange. Also, does she HAVE to to the villain? The end of senior year is plenty of drama without needing Sharpay to sprinkle some fake drama in. Most of her scenes were of her plotting...absolutely nothing. Just plotting. It's really hard to get a fair amount of camp with real emotion, but Sharpay's breakdown in HSM2 is one of my favorite moments of the series, ever. I wish they'd let her evolve in this movie instead of just let her rehash in whatever screentime she could. Also, I hate how in every movie Sharpay ends up being friends with the main gang and then someone, strangely, in the next movie they're barely talking.
Ryan: Where was he? There was a great storyline set-up: seduce and destroy Kelsi and get him and Sharpay the Julliard scholarship. But then we got...uh, a duet? For, like, thirty seconds? And a prom that we never saw? Ryan is such a great character who, unlike most of the characters, I would say has actually evolved throughout the movies. Ryan started the series off as his sister's comic relief sidekick and ended it a star choreographer who tolerated his sister more than he actually entertained her ideas. It's such a shame that he was a background character in this movie. (Although, when he was in the background, he was dancing the girl parts with Troy during rehearsals, so...that was fabulous.)
Chad: How cute was it that we got a BFF song? Troy and Chad usually get great but small friendship moments (the skipping Englishmen from HSM2 comes to mind), but to get an entire song was wonderful. The only problem is that the song was meant to set-up Chad being angry with Troy's decision. And there was practically no pay-off. Come on. Chad would never let Troy get away with that. If we learned anything from the previous two movies, Chad is not very forgiving. He gets angry fast and then, after being catty, calms down and sees the big picture.
Taylor: Didn't hate her. She was still stubborn, but she was much more supportive in this movie than she has been in the past. I really got the feelings that she had matured in some OffScreen Musical in her relationships with the other characters, especially Chad. I still believe that the actress is thinking in every scene, "I graduated from DePaul to do THIS?!"
Kelsi: She's always been a friend of the main gang, but this movie let her be on the inside. I loved her moment with Troy where she tried to comfort him after Gabriella left.
What about the other characters? Zeke? Jason? Zeke has gotten Sharpay at the end of each previous movie; Jason's gotten Kelsi. And now they get...nothing? *Le Sigh* Whatever.
But Melissa! What about the New Cast?
Um...
Uh...
Okay. Diving in.
Tiara: Looks EXACTLY like Billie Piper in a way that is distracting. Eh. She wasn't bitchy enough for me to care for her. British bitchy comes off more pompous than devious/petty.
The Rocket: You CAN NOT base a movie on a STONER. Okay, well, obviously, since it's Disney he's not a stoner. But he's too oblivious to anchor a movie. And I'm afraid he doesn't have the emotional strength and presence that Zac does to ground the movies.
Dion: WHY is everyone on the Wildcats basketball team so short?! Seriously. But I'm excited to see a main cast member being on stage crew.
2. Troy Bolton = Love
On the big screen, Zac Efron's upper arms are, like, the size of a small automobile.
I was recently re-listening to the HSM soundtrack and it was incredibly jarring to hear Drew Seeley's voice instead of Zac's. I love me some baritone.
Anyway. While the first movie was pretty equally split between Gabriella and Troy (even favoring Gabi a little bit), the second and third have been more Troy-focused, following Zac Efron's rising star, giving him the central conflict and solo numbers. The past two movies have really shown us the real Troy, who feels an obligation to help everyone and thusly ends up failing to help himself. He has a good heart that is stretched too thin, and despite his desire to please everyone, someone always gets hurt. I think he's a much more compelling character than Gabriella ever could be and that the refocusing of the movies was a wise choice.
Zac spent most of the movie with his puppy face on and was absolutely adorable. He is charismatic and a natural-born leader, but he also feels everything very deeply. He loves Gabriella more than he should and feels an intense devotion to her and his family and friends. I think Zac did a great job conveying the inner conflict of Troy, as well as his strength.
3. Still Don't Like Gabriella.
For the third movie, Gabriella breaks up with Troy and waxes melodic about it. I like how she never, ever considers putting effort into their relationship. Long distance? Why bother. It's so much better to break up with your boy toy on the phone.
Ugh. Gabriella seems to think herself such a tragic character. Yes, she moves a lot. But maybe the reason she doesn't have friends from anywhere else is because she seems to always think it's better to cut off the attachments than trying to maintain them.
Troy is so much better than Gabriella. He's loyal, hard-working, and passionate. You really get the feeling that he works for everything he gets, unlike Gabriella who is all Serena Van der Woodsen perfect without any effort.
I'm so over Gabriella. The only reason I tolerate her is because I love Troy.
4. The Musical Numbers!
The dresses are so hideous. There are feathers exploding from Sharpay's crouch. *shudder*
There a conceit in movie musicals to make everything grand. Generally, that manifests in placing musical numbers in some nebulous space. But this movie, instead of taking us to that space, placed every number in the theater. The rotating sets, the proscenium-based choreography, the pure spectacle...it was all less movie musical than stage musical and I loved it. I thought it was a truly unique approach to the movie musical that really payed off in the musical-within-a-musical set-up.
5. The End of an Era
High School Musical, HSM2, and HSM3 are really examples of how optimism sells. In a world where everything is dire and the popular literature features battles and vampires and dementors, it's really telling that childhood escapism is just as captivating. When I hit college, there was a very deliberate move on everyone's part toward childhood and remembering the pop culture of the early 90's: Power Rangers, Nickelodeon game shows, and more than anything, Disney movies. There is such an exuberance in the films that is unmatched by what is currently on movie screens. There is a joy of being your true self, of dancing like there's no tomorrow, to borrow a cliche. And I really think that while there eventually will be another form of enthusiastic reminiscence, I don't think it will ever be the same as High School Musical.
I LOVE the delivery of that line. HILARIOUS. Just adds to my over-rationalizing, super-love for Evan.
(Also, ever since I accidentally in a sleepy haze walked in on one of my sister's boyfriends in the shower, any situation involving such a scenario makes me laugh.)
AND
"I know the Sculnit family. You should tease him about his alcoholic mother."
You know, Dan will never be a good guy. But, damn, does he get great dead-pan one-liners.
(Also, later in the episode, he totally drops the "gotta go see my parole officer for my MURDER" in front of the bitchy mom.)
I know, I'm still behind on recaps. But midterms are kicking my ass and since my parents are still under the impression that I'm graduating, I have this crazy impulse to study for them. Well, "study" for them.
So, my promise from ME to YOU, gentle readers: 1. I will get up-to-date on Smallville and Gossip Girl by this upcoming Monday. NCIS fans (being Katy)...I'm sorry, but I think I just can't handle so many shows right now. But Winter Break looks promising for updating. 2. I will also post my High School Musical 3 review. I know. I haven't seen it yet. But I will. And it will be AWESOME.
Preview:
Absolutely GORGEOUS song. I've been listening to it on repeat for the past few days. It's the only thing getting me through exams. Although, the dancing is a bit TOO much. But DUDE. It's Kenny FREAKING Ortega. He had a synchronized crouch thrust done by pubescent boys. He can do whatever he wants. GOD AMONG MEN.
Tess and Awkward Scientist are trying to find out the origins of the crystal. They proceed, instead, to blow the fricking lid off the Luthor Mansion.They also proceed to send a beacon into space, drawing Maxima the Space Slut to Earth.
Seriously. Luthorcorp spends 80% of its budget rebuilding the mansion.
Maxima wants to mate with Clark and comes to look for him. Instead, she just makes out with a creepy guy who can't handle her kisses and dies.
At This Old Farm, Shelby finally makes an appearance. Clark, however, is not as happy as the audience about Shelby (possibly because Shelby is NOT the same dog as before; she's much fluffier). He's too busy thinking about--what else?--Lana. He apparently keeps her old necklace in the kitchen. I'm telling you, Clark is going from pathetic to psycho in two episodes flat. Lois calls, telling him he's late. Clark superspeeds in.
Despite the new actor, Shelby is still adorably pet-able.
Lois is bitching about how Jimmy is moving in to save money for the wedding. Probably because Chloe's dad, Gabe, is totally MIA and isn't helping them pay for it. Also, she's rather fed up with Clark's Lana talk, which leads her to try to be a Gilmore Girl and mash too many pop culture allusions and metaphors into "Nascar mullets eat thirty one flavors while singing the Lana blues, so get into the saddle, Buckaroo." Or something like that.
Lois gives him a story lead on the guy Maxima just macked to death. Apparently, he was in endorphin overload. Clark interprets this as when someone is playing sports. Lois scoffs and makes a really awkward allusion to sex (repetitive motion, builds to a climax...all while chewing on a pencil). Lois, honey? Clark played football for a year. He's had sex twice. His frame of reference is definitely NOT the same as yours.
Jimmy is moving on up! Into the Talon in the sky! Jimmy likes ABBA. Jimmy finds a letter in Chloe's bookcase and reads it. It's the "Fever" letter!
(A brief side-note: I do read spoilers. I love reading spoilers. But the week this aired I was so out of it that I completely forgot that this week was the "Fever" letter episode. Let's just say I got the full shock value of it and shock quickly morphed into disgust.)
Chloe awkwardly tries to explain how it's not significant anymore (nice try, PS3), but Jimmy's insecurities are really grating on us almost more than the the complete sacrilege of the spat-upon "Fever" letter. So Jimmy does what every reasonable person would do, and goes to a bar to hook up with a hot intergalactic space goddess.
Maxima hits on Jimmy and, Jimmy being Jimmy, is totally into talking up pretty girls while his girlfriend spends her time trying to save the world. Maxima initiates a kiss, which Jimmy at least has the decency to break-off millimeters before their lips touch, but Maxima will have none of it and sticks her tongue down his throat.
Jimmy quickly starts dying. Maxima's pissed. Clark enters and super-speeds to save Jimmy and bring him to the hospital. Maxima sees Clark and knows that she's finally found a man to sex up without building up a body count.
Clark and Jimmy talk about how Jimmy TOTALLY CHEATED ON CHLOE. Clark is far too "meh" about it, especially since he gave Chloe hell two years ago about not telling him that Lana was pregnant with Lex's lovechild. Jimmy angsts about the "Fever" letter. Chloe comes to the hospital and gives Jimmy a hug.
Sex Siren from Space finds Clark at the Daily Planet and throws herself at him. Clark, who can't resist a woman's lips (really--has anyone ever noticed that he's never been able to stop a woman from kissing him, when CLEARLY he has the ability to say no/stop them?), finds himself making out in the elevator with Maxima.The elevator opens and Lois sees them making out. For some reason, Clark feels the need to explain this tongue action to Lois. Oh right. It's because he's in love with her and doesn't watch the Lana tape on repeat while fondling her kryptonite necklace.
Effing HOT. Pin me up against an elevator wall, Clark! (Also, very reminiscent of the Chlark elevator scene.)
Maxima is pissed and decides to beat the crap out of Lois because of the Clois "connection." Clark saves Lois and sends Maxima deep into outer space, rejecting her offer of hot supersex. Besides, he's at the point where he doesn't even remember what it's like so he rationalizes that it can't be that good anyway.
Clark finally goes to tell Chloe that Jimmy was drooling into another woman's mouth. Chloe says that she figured it out from his endorphin levels. Clark asks about the letter. Chloe treats it like it meant nothing (even though even CLARK can tell it meant something, and that boy has the deduction skills of Mr. Magoo).
"Is this letter secretly mocking me because I can't fly?"
Clark acts like this is the first time he's ever heard of Chloe having feelings for him (because he wasn't present during "Devoted" or "Vessel," don't you know). Chloe shrugs it off and says that she's with the (gag) perfect person now and asks Clark to give her away at her wedding. Because, as we all know, Chloe doesn't, like, HAVE A FATHER NAMED GABE SULLIVAN who could do that. (Seriously, Smallville. At least explain your plotholes. "Give me away because my dad died a horrible painful death two seasons ago and that's why I've been Pod!Chloe.")
Clark and Lois then have the old time-y loft scene. Clark angsts about how he'll never meet his soulmate because he's been Lana pussy-whipped. Lois reassures him that he will, all while giving him gooey tear eyes.
Immediately after, I scream and vomit repeatedly due to the supersuck of this episode.
1. The "Fever" Letter.
*Okay. Breathe in. Breathe out. Think rational thoughts*
It is not exaggerating to say that the "Fever" letter is holy in the canon of Chlark. It is rife with the Superman imagery that the Smallville writers love while being passionate and heart-felt and honest without being gimmicky. It's the only piece of corny romantic dialogue that TPTB have ever made work, thanks mostly to Allison Mack's beautiful performance. And the writers just crapped on it.
If we are Facebook friends, you'll notice that of all the TV shows that I love and all the quotes from said TV shows, only the "Fever" letter graces my quotes section:
"My dad told me that there are two types of girls: the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter." -Chloe Sullivan, Smallville
So really, she's neither type of girl. She's the girl that Jimmy Olsen (that stalwart exemplar of taste--trust me, I'll get to Jimmy next) takes because Kara was boring as a bowl of Corn Flakes and Lois won't show him her boobs.
PS3 took the letter and made it pimp CLOIS and CHIMMY. Basically, they turn LOIS into the girl that Clark will grow into and JIMMY into the guy Chloe grows into. I can't even begin to say how wrong this all is. I feel like it's such a slap in the face to disregard this letter and treat it as nothing. Chloe's feelings for Clark very actively defined five seasons of the show.
Do you move on from your first huge unrequited crush? Sure. With the right distance, yeah. But with the way Chloe and Clark rely on each other? There's no way that Chloe would feel nothing for him and vice versa. Chloe's line of "I'm not the only person in the world who needs your help" and Clark's angst, reluctant expression following it? Harkens right back to "Arrival" in a good way.
I think bringing back the letter also shows how far the show has come in a bad way. In season two, the characters were consistent and pure in their motivations and they all held such promise for the future. I mean, that letter promised us that Clark would at least FLY. But now, all we get are muddled characters that are used as plot devices and a Clark that is still stuck on the ground-level. I can't even recall what events led us here (probably because they all happened in OffScreenville where Clark got a college degree and has been writing small journalism pieces in the Ledger for the past two years).
I've been so upset about the mistreatment of the letter for so long that now I'm just numb. I can't think about it anymore.
2. Jimmy is the New Dan Humphrey.
"How dare you like other boys! It's not like I have eye-sex with every hot girl that...no wait, I do."
"Not only do I have eye-sex, I totally make-out with other chicks too!"
Seriously. Chloe had a crush on her best friend SIX YEARS AGO and to punish her you're going to make out with an Intergalatic Sex Goddess? Ladies and gentleman, this is Chloe Sullivan's Perfect Guy.
Let me get one thing clear first. Very rarely do I blame actors for characterization. Especially on Smallville. You have to be an incredible actor to pull off some of the crap the writers on this show spew without looking like a complete idiot or a tool (Rosenbaum, Mack). So I don't blame Aaron Ashmore. He's trying super-hard, but you can't make this Jimmy likable. This Jimmy, who will throw his girlfriend under the bus because he wants to be a super spy. This Jimmy, who acts like a jealous moron half the time. This Jimmy, whose eyes are planted on any exposed cleavage in visual range.
Chloe deserves better, Writers of Smallville. Stop trying to convince us that she should be happy with such an unparalleled loser.
3. Lois is on Crack.
"Get it? I'm talking about sex with a phallic object in my mouth? Yeah. It's a reference to a blow job. What up. Sexual innuendo five!"
I'm sorry. Did no one else watch "Toxic"? You know. That episode that aired, uh, LAST WEEK, where Lois admitted how much she still cared about Oliver? Yeah. That one.
But, of course, the writers (who have no sense of continuity or how to map an arc for an entire season) ignore that emotional moment that nearly made me cry for the Lollie goodness because it's so much better to have Clark and Lois have sudden, inexplicable chemistry! It's Canon! It's Iconic! It's Out of Character!
I have admitted before that I love the stupid Superman references. I really, really do. Back in the first season when Clark pointed to a suit of armor with an "S" on it and looked at it like it was designed by Blayne Walsh? That's FUNNY.
What's NOT funny? Or even entertaining? Is how hard they're pushing Clois. They're not even pushing Clois, really; they're pushing the idea of Clois. The future of Clois. They're waving Carrots of Clois in front of the audience, trying to entice them into loving what isn't currently in their grasp but is in their future. There has been NO build. I mean, sure we've gotten one or two angsty glances. But that is NOTHING compared to how creepy!Clark stalked Lana.
I am a big fan of going where your chemistry is and not where you planned to go before the characters were even developed. Hence my shipping of Brooke/Lucas and Harry/Hermione. I realize that there's little you can do when characters are "Meant to Be," but don't you owe a service to the glory that is Lois and Clark by doing it convincingly?
I wonder if they have just stopped trying to make things believable.Even more than that, I wonder it they just don't care about their characters anymore. Pod!Chloe. Jealous!Jimmy. Underqualified!Clark. And now, Boobilicious, Smack-Talking, Strangely-Emotional Lois.
Whoa. Lois. Someone needs some Valium.
What I love about Lois Lane (and what I've loved about her ever since my Lois and Clark days) is that she is smart and witty and full of integrity. She makes the occasional snide remark to Clark, but it's always obvious that she respects him deeply. The Lois Lane that I love is not the Lois Lane on Smallville. And before this season, that was okay. I even dealt with GroisGate with a grain of salt. But this season has made me completely hate her. She's either so bitchy/whiny that I want to throw my remote control at her head (but don't because we just got HD and my sisters would kill me if I had to explain what happened to the TV) or so emotional that I would rather watch Bambi's mother die than deal with her crocodile tears.
See? I'm sad. Which means I'm in love with you. SEE?!?!?!
I know Smallville has a really hard time writing strong female characters. But someone needs to tell them that there is a difference between chemistry!teasing and enemy!bickering, because they sooo don't get how badly Clois is coming across due to Lois' bitchery.
4. Tess = Love.
So, the first time Ollie sent a girl a dress? Flirty and sexy. The second time? The gay vibes are starting.
I was so anxious about bringing Tess into the mix before this season started. No one could replace the delicious Michael Rosenbaum, right? They'd just hire some hottie with no acting ability and call it a day.
But Cassidy Freeman has completely won me over. I don't know if it's just because everyone else on the show is so lackluster and OOC now, but she is a breath of fresh air. She has a wonderful presence on camera and really sells Tess. Not to mention she has the only storyline worth watching: find Lex. Get his bald head of sexiness back here ASAP. I'd rather watch the adventures of Tess Mercer and The Scientists as they search for Lex for an hour than have Chimmy shoved down my eye sockets.
Not to mention, she and Allison have THE BEST bitch-offs.
"I know everything about you. You used to be a highly motivated reporter who actually posed a threat to Luthorcorp. Now you're a push-over doormat with a slutty fiance."
"And you're a poor little Marine Biologist with a fetish for billionaires. By the way, the smoky eye is out for good, bitch. Get over it."
Also, how funny is it that she has already dealt with the Luthor mansion's made-of-lamesauce security?
At least you haven't been shot yet, Mercy.
5. Hook-Up!
I absolutely loved when Clark lifted her and twirled her against the wall. Gentlemanly AND sexy.
How awesome/awkward would it be to be hired to make-out with guys for an entire episode? I mean, that's what Maxima did for half the episode. I wonder if she had to have a kissing screen test to get the part.
Clark and Chloe are at a party. Chloe is wearing one of those maxi-dresses that I hate, but she still looks cute. Chloe is obviously jealous of Lois and Clark working together. Oliver comes in with some Hottie McWhore and collapses. Oh Nos! Poison!
Chloe calls Davis because Oliver doesn't want to be taken to a hospital. You would think that in his final breath he would say, "Leech me!" (as shown later in the episode) but whatever. Let's go for the angst.
Oliver relives his island days. Oliver eats bugs! After, you know, becoming friends with the them. He tries to get a wild pig by running at it. Then we have a triumphant arrow-making sequence. He has even made rudimentary clothing that is very reminiscent of his current uniform. Training sequence. He dramatically can shoot blindfolded.
You must be swift as a coursing river! With all the strength of a great typhoon!
With all the strength of a raging fire! Mysterious as the dark side of the mooooooon!
Success!
Oliver gets poisoned. He wakes up covered in leeches and Tess Mercer. Apparently, she was a marine biologist and the leeches will suck out the poison; if he went to a hospital, they would treat him with adrenaline and kill him. I have such a hard time buying that (all of that, marine biology included), but whatever. Cassidy Freeman is fabulous.
The leech enzymes? Actually an aphrodisiac.
Ollie and Tess flirt. The captors come in and kill Tess's best friend. Oliver prevents them from killing Tess. Later on, Tess thinks Oliver is seducing her. In reality, he's stealing her hairtie to make a makeshift arrow. They escape!
While Ollie is relieving all of this in a sweaty haze, Lois is having more chemistry with his unconscious body than she ever has with Clark, lamenting her break-up with Ollie. Clark goes to Tess to get the cure. We find out that the one who poisoned Ollie was their captor from the Island. Tess promptly begins to kick his ass before Clark helps her out when the going gets tough. Luckily, Tess totally gets to kill the guy before the episode is out. That bitch ownz!
We also find out that Lionel, more likely than not, killed the Queens. Well, duh. But Ollie angsts over it all the same.
Davis proves to be a creepy stalker type, rummaging around Isis. I guess it goes with psycho murderer. Chloe proceeds to tell Davis more secrets for no apparent reason. Davis tells her that he has a part of him that he's holding beneath the surface. I can't tell if it comes off as creepy or seductive.
1. Lollie!
"Look at us, the noble couple. I let you go and in return, you were supposed to save the world. But this, Ollie. This isn't saving the world, is it? This is you backing out on your end of the deal. You know, maybe we had it wrong...The truth is, sometimes I wonder if I should have ever let you go."
Lois and Ollie have ridiculous, amazing, wonderful chemistry. I'm tempted to say they have the most chemistry out of any canon couple in Smallville. There's such passion and love and heartache that it's hard not to ship them. Lois' speech to Oliver was so moving that I was actually pissed at Clark for ruining it. A side note to the writers: if your "Iconic" couple has less chemistry than a couple where one of them is unconscious, it's a bad sign. It's an even worse sign if the audience wants to watch more of said scene and not your "Iconic" couple.
Also, why ruin the wonderfulness of Lollie by slapping it with Superman metaphors? Calling him the "Man of Tomorrow" and talking about how all she does is write about him? I was so upset that they basically threw out Lollie with this episode. Lois is admitting huge, consuming feelings for Ollie and, what? They mean nothing? Why didn't we get a Lois/Oliver-is-Awake scene? Even an angsty one reaffirming their break-up would have been better than her waxing poetic about kittens.
My final comment has more to do with practicality than shipping:
"Lois, breathe for me"? Uh, how does Davis know if she's qualified in CPR? Also, aren't the breaths being fazed out? Whatever. They probably just wanted to get in a Lollie "kiss" Mulder/Scully style and avoid a Oliver/Davis lip-lock at the same time.
2. Chlark!
"I guess I just always thought that I would be the one circling your typos."
It's really evident that Chloe misses spending time with Clark and, also, spending time on the newspaper. She's also super-jealous of how much time Lois and Clark spend together.
And Clark is so concerned about Chloe-iac. Well, we're all concerned about her.
"Chloe, you're too smart."
"Clark, when you're a Big Dumb Alien, a toaster strudel is smart."
Although, Clark admitting he's watched his "Goodbye Lana" tape more than once? Reeks of pathetic.
3. Tess "Mercy" Mercer.
Don't mess with the best cause the best don't mess.
Can I just say once again how much I LOVE Tess? She's sardonic and dry and confident and ruthless...just wonderful. And this episode really focused on showing what Tess was compared to what she became. She and Justin Hartley have amazing chemistry, and although I love my Lollie, I wouldn't mind seeing these two pursuing some alone time, angst included.
Tellie Tension.
Also, how FAB is her license plate?
And finally,
How cute is it that Clark calls her "Miss Mercer"? It's like she's his teacher.
"Jimmy Olsen hates puppies. There. I said it. That douchebag."
"...and he's such a gentleman, cos I just showed him
"Pre-nup condition #1: I keep Shelby."
"Do you love any other self-involved, skirt-chasing photographers
"No. Dammit. I didn't think this engagement out, did I?"
Elevators are like flying!
"I guess Lois left more than her White Snake albums."
Con-fricking-trived. Unbelievable. Too soon. Pushed too hard. I've talked about this before. Just. UGH.
"Wait. You're getting married? But Clark can't have sex."
"He's making an honest woman out of me because
"Wait--WHAT?!"
It's like a mini soap opera, full of good shirtless action! I love their history, I love their banter. I love LOVE LOVE them.
